Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Monday, December 24, 2007
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish & Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total -378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes that there’s at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with. This is due to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits/second. That is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has .001 second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.
4) Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles/household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles; not counting stops to do what most of us do at lease once every 31 hours, plus eating etc. So Santa’s sleigh must be moving at 650 miles/second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles/second. A conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles/hour.
5) If every one of the 91.8 million homes with good children were to put out a single chocolate chip cookie and an 8 ounce glass of 2% milk, the total calories (needless to say other vitamins and minerals) would be approximately 225 calories (100 for the cookie, give or take, and 125 for the milk, give or take). Multiplying the number of calories per house by the number of homes (225 x 91.8 x 1000000), we get the total number of calories Santa consumes that night, which is 20,655,000,000 calories. To break it down further, 1 pound is equal to 3500 calories. Dividing our total number of calories by the number of calories in a pound (20655000000 / 3500) and we get the number of pounds Santa gains, 5901428.6, which is 2950.7 tons.
6) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 lb.), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300lb. Even granting that “flying reindeer” (see #1) can pull 10 TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with 8, or even 9, reindeer. We need 214,200. This increases the payload - not counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. This is four times the weight of the ocean-liner Queen Elizabeth.
7) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles/second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within .00426 of a second. Meanwhile, Santa, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 lb. Santa, being very conservative in terms of guessing Santa’s weight, would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 lb. of force. If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.
(Doing my part to keep you informed.)
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
In Your honor, a little Mae West:
"A dame that knows the ropes, isn't likely to get tied up".
"Between two evils I always pick the one I never tried before".
"I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to be sure".
"I'm no model lady, a model is just an imitation of the real thing".
Happy Birthday, wishing you a wonderful day.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Growing up in Brooklyn, getting the tree was the highlight of my year. We almost never got a tree before Christmas eve. They were much cheaper if you waited until the very last minute to buy one. Of course this also meant that what was left in the tree lot was a sad version of a "Charlie Brown tree". Getting a tree was a family affair, we always walked together to the same tree lot on Linden Boulevard. We spent so much time lingering among the little lifeless skinny trees left that by the time we decided we were all shivering. Should we get that scrawny little one or this scrawny little one? The absolute cheapest tree they had, that's the one we got. It was always the ugliest, scrawniest, most pathetic tree on the lot. But to me, it was beautiful and full of magic. We would carry our tree all the way home, singing Christmas carol's all the way.
Where to put the tree once we got it home was never an issue, anywhere in the living that was close to a plug. We didn't need to make room for it as there wasn't anything in the living except a couple kitchen chairs, a black and white TV and a stereo. That stereo was our prize possession. Music has always played in my life. My parents would play typical Puerto Rican music, aguinaldos (folk type carols), plenas (also folkloric music influenced by African and Spanish music), some Ramito, Chuito de Bayamon, and mixed in was a little "white christmas", "We three Kings"and "Jingle bells".
Our decorations were handmade, mostly stuff we had made in school, a construction paper multi-colored chain and sometimes some angel hair. Angel hair made you itch if you touched it for too long but when illuminated by the twinkling lights, it was mesmerizing. The tree topper was an angel my mom had bought, it had a plastic head, with blond hair, and mesh wings, and lights in it's little plastic hands and it cost $1.00. I still have that angel, the lights don't work, it's blond hair is mostly missing, and the mesh has holes, but I still have it.
Our tree was lit every single night and all day long on weekends. We ate dinner sitting near it, in fact if I was home I could always be found near it. We kept it until January 8th. (January 6th was 3 kings day and the 7th my birthday) By January 8th, it was lopsided and had little to no needles. It was a sad day when we said goodbye to it.
As the pretend adult I now am, Christmas trees still excite me. My Christmas tree is a work of art. It is big and tall, expensive and fake. ( I live in the tropics my little huckleberries, a real tree would be dead in minutes.) Every single light and ornament placed in just the perfect spot. Almost every ornament has a reason or meaning for being part of my tree. I spend hours making it look perfect. (of course "perfect" is a relative term). The top still holds an angel, a pretty porcelain one, with delicate features. My childhood angel now retired due to it's fragile condition.
Every time I walk by a Christmas tree, every time I stop to look at one, I am reminded of my family. I can hear us singing, and laughing. I remember that "Charlie Brown tree" of my childhood and marvel at the magic it brought to my house every single Christmas. The magic tree that once it came into our home wasn't scrawny and sad but tall and full and beautiful. The magic tree that shared our love and was an honored guest. I am EsLocura and I love Christmas trees. (I wonder if there's a help group for that).
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
That's the bridge I need to cross to get into town, I had to take the "long" route to town today.
The waterfall that sprouted where once there was none.
At least I still have an internet connection.
Saturday, December 08, 2007
It all started out about me, and it's still all about me. I have shared all sorts of stuff, written about my heartache, my insomnia, stupid people, animals/pets, Puerto Rico, family, friends, fruit, and my childhood. I have done a whole bunch of memes. I have cursed a whole fucking bunch, and been proud of it. I have met my goal of not censoring myself as various friends and family became readers. (this I am even more proud of then the fucking swearing thing). I've touched upon many topics and I've written some filler stuff while my "muse" took a vacation. Blogging has been a fun adventure, a place to vent and be creative.
The best part of blogging: all of you. All the little huckleberries who take the time to read the "Asylum", who leave such encouraging, witty and smart comments. Thank you! Thanks for adding some sanity, thanks for adding more craziness, thanks for making me laugh. Thank you to my family and friends, who keep reading and coming back for more. Thank you to my fellow bloggers. Each one of you has in some way become part of the Asylum. I am very grateful. (now is a good time to lift your champagne glass) Here's to "EsLocura's Asylum", all hail the possibilities of the next twelve months!
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Pigeons: I am having a problem with pigeons. Lot's of pigeons. They have taken to hanging out by my back stairs. You can not imagine the amount of pigeon poop outside the back door every single day. It has gotten so bad that some days I think I am better off hurling my self in the air and not actually stepping on the stairs to avoid the pigeon poop. I have tried all sorts of things to be rid of them. I bought a big ugly plastic owl, hung him in a most menacing way and the pigeons basically laughed at the owl and of course by default me. That damn owl cost me $30.00 now he is just an annoyance to my cat. I tried tying black trash bags to the stairs because someone told me the movement and the noise would scare them off. Not! (OK maybe for one day there were less pigeons around) I then resorted to less humane ways. I put down some sticky gooey stuff. This miracle pigeon repellent would make the pigeons little feet stick to the steps (no, not permanently) just long enough to make them hate me and their sad little lives and fly off to someone else's house. This gooey stuff cost $120.00. The pigeons stepped in the goo, pulled their little feet out and then laughed hysterically as lizards got caught in the goo and died a slow death. I love lizards, I hate pigeons so I power washed all the goo away. Last month I am sad to say I resorted to poison ... yes my little huckleberries, my name is EsLocura and I am a pigeon killer. In my defense I must tell you that there is/was tons of pigeon poop on my stairs and it smells, it smells real bad, I was desperate. The poison killed 2 pigeons and the survivors went out and got back up pigeons to fill in the gaps. I bought a pellet gun, not to kill but to scare. The pigeons mocked me. They were afraid the first 2-3 times now they just turn around and stare at me. I think the pigeons are winning.
Dogs: The neighbors dog is driving me nuts. His bark ( I use that term loosely) is a high pitched, cause a noise bleed sort of bark. And he barks constantly. Day and night. It doesn't help that his owners are complete idiots (idiots being the kindest word I can use).The poor dog is tied to a fence with a 4ft leash. Most days he doesn't have water and I don't think he eats too well or too often. I have spoken to the neighbors, asked if they could perhaps move the dog to someplace where I can not hear him. I have offered to buy the dog, find it a good home. I give it water when I know they are not home and food when I can but that fucking barking gives me a pounding headache. And the fucking neighbors just don't care. Yesterday was the last straw, after almost 4 hours of nonstop barking, I went outside determine to tell my neighbors that I was contacting animal control. No one was home so I just set the dog free. Yes, I untied him and let him go. Of course who should come home but the neighbors, who quickly tied the poor dog back up. He's barking as I type!
Cats: I love my cat, he isn't the problem. There is a stray cat who is a problem. This stray showed up as many strays have and I fed him. (big mistake) Next day he was back with a friend. I fed them both. (mistake) This continued for about a month. Then one stray disappeared and the other stray decided that he felt so at home, he was going to come upstairs to my house. (mistake on the cat's part) My cat hangs out on the balcony, the stray tried to steal my cats food, a fight ensued, I run outside, scared the stray away. This lovely scenario has played out for a week. I am now no longer feeding the stray and taking the water hose to it when ever I spot him near my house. I haven't wet him, just scared him. But he just keeps coming back annoying my cat and pissing me off. I am now thinking I need to catch the stray and take him for a scenic long drive to the next town. ( I would of course feed him first)
Roosters: There are too many cocks on the farm. And too many cocks means plenty of fighting. All my chickens are free range, no coops for them except for the sick hens or injured roosters. Roosters like most males of any species are territorial and don't like having competition for the hens attention. Roosters fight to the death. It gets very bloody. Nothing puts a damper on my day like coming across an injured bloody or dead rooster. This problem was solved (for now) by my cousin Jose. Jose came over and caught 6 roosters to lessen the cock population. He used one rooster with a string tied around one leg, to lure other roosters into his trap. There are now only 4 roosters and about 30 hens. Better odds, happier roosters, less fighting.So what's a girl to do? I don't mistreat animals. (I've made peace with the 2 dead pigeons) I don't want to mean and angry. I don't want to become Eslocura the murderer, I so much prefer the Queen title but I am getting desperate. Got any ideas on solutions to my animal conundrums?
Monday, November 26, 2007
Pretty flowers ...huh.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Friday, November 23, 2007
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Of course there are many foul smells in the world but lets not get into those, let's focus on the sweet smells, the smells that remind you of something or someone special. I do believe our sense of smell is essential to our humanity, social interactions, survival, and relationships.
The scent of your lover as you nuzzle his neck, complete sweetness that reminds you how lucky you are. The scent of fresh coffee first thing in the morning, it's a new day. The scent of roast pork in the oven always reminds that I am home. Clothes that were dried outside, I love that clean fresh scent. Aramis cologne always reminds me of my dad. The scent of roses or rose oil as well as lavender reminds me of Yolanda (aka Yogi), a spirited soul who I have been blessed to be friends with. Frying cheese and bacon reminds me of the comadres, and the love we share.
Yes, my little huckleberries this time of year is filled with scents that evoke some sort of emotion or memory. What scents give you that warm and fuzzy feeling, or remind you of a person or moment from the past?
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
The word Jibaro is commonly used in Puerto Rico to refer to mountain peasants. The jibaro has come to represent the Puerto Rican people in all their historic, ethnic and cultural complexity. The image of a jíbaro is used in all forms of Puerto Rican art, including this monument in Cayey.
On September 25, 1493, Christopher Columbus set sail on his second voyage to the new world with 17 ships and around 1,200-1,500 men. Columbus landed on this island on November 19, 1493. He named it San Juan Bautista (in honor of the John the baptist). During the 1520s, the island took the name of Puerto Rico which means "rich port". The island was inhabited before it's discovery by the Taino and Arawak Indians. Who were eventually all defeated in battle and subjugated. Badly mistreated by the Spaniards, they died out as a labor force and the role of the Indian was taken over by the African slaves.The discovery of Puerto Rico is an official island holiday, which was celebrated yesterday (Nov. 19th), all government offices were closed and there was no school. Today almost all the schools are having celebrations in honor of our discovery. These celebrations honor the Jibaro, our food, our history and our culture. Children dress up as Indians, and Jibaros. (I have yet to see anyone dress up as Columbus). There is a pot luck luncheon with everyone bringing food that represents our origins. I watched today as kids proudly wore clothes representing our history, carrying Puerto Rican flags, and carrying food, whose aroma made me hungry for something other than cereal this morning.
I have plenty to say about our commonwealth status and our conflicts in keeping culture alive despite the influence of the United States but I'll save that for another time. For today I am rejoicing in the discovery of my island, my home.
Monday, November 19, 2007
"Eslocura at Eslocura's Asylum would wear baby doll pajamas in wine silk with matching ashtray for that ubiquitous cigar."
Now you have to admit that's pretty funny. Heart is like that, very funny. (when she isn't on her death bed, and frankly, even then she cracks me up).
So lets talk about pajamas, shall we? I don't wear pajamas to bed, I'm a sleep naked kinda girl. But I love pajamas. I wear them around the house, out on the farm, while cooking, reading, listening to music, showering, (OK not when I am showering, just checking to see if you were paying attention.) I have had meetings in my pajamas and many deep philosophical conversations. I also have been known to use pajamas as a lead in for other "extra curricular activity". (wink wink nudge nudge, know what I mean) I wear boxer shorts and t shirts, silky sexy pj's, I have even worn flannel pajamas with feet. I do wear baby doll pajamas and yes, of course I have ashtrays to match. Duh, where else would I flick that ubiquitous ash? (ubiquitous, say it with me ... ubiquitous, it's a groovy word).
Did you know that pajamas were introduced in England as lounging attire in the 17th century, making the scene around the 1880's in the western world as sleeping attire for men and the word pajama was originally spelled pyjama? (You can thank me later for that little bit of trivia.)
Thank you "Heart" for the award, I do appreciate it, you are the "cat's pyjamas".
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Six guilty pleasures no one would suspect me of having:
- I love Hostess white powdered donettes and Hostess cupcakes.
- My love of writing. (until this blog, of course)
- I have to touch things. Information is never complete until I add the sense of touch.
- I buy items/food for people in need and drop them off, anonymously.
- Being naked, sleeping naked, naked.
- Starbucks, iced caramel nonfat macchiato.
- Scuba diving or sky diving.
- An entire week (or 2) alone.
- Putting my own needs ahead of everyone else's.
- Sharing my poetry.
- Sailing around the Caribbean.
- 100 uninterrupted days with "you know who you are".
- Premarital anything.
- Not participating in any organized religion.
- Lazy days spent doing nothing but napping.
- Swearing a whole lot, in 2 languages.
- Drinking and smoking when I feel like it.
- Fighting the system.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Friday, November 16, 2007
Thursday, November 15, 2007
The love of your life has left the building and you did nothing to stop him?
Chocolate is a health food?
The one thing you have been searching for, was never within reach?
Ice cream has anti-aging properties?
There is no God?
Butterflies are reincarnated love ones?
PETA dropped off the face of the earth?
Money really does buy happiness?
You have to pick between doing the right thing and losing your best friend?
President Bush is an evil troll in disguise?
They opted for truthful concerned conversation instead of silent snubbing?
Everyone has a twin?
Purple and Yellow polka dots are your colors?
Bill Gates takes over the world and we are all forced to use Microsoft shit?
Your iPod blows up?
Ghosts do exist?
Pepsi wins the cola wars?
You can go home again?
Sex is the only road to true enlightenment?
The freedom for full expression of your personality was the norm?
Rum is the elixir of the gods?
A peaceful, nurturing planet is light years away?
My fucked up noisy neighbors became decent, quiet, thoughtful people?
I had a chance to meet each and everyone of you?
The love of my vida and I lived happily ever after and no one rejoiced?
Everyone took a turn helping someone less fortunate?
There was an end to world hunger/Aids/genocide?
Happiness was easily achieved?
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Last I remember it was Thursday, November 8th. It was a bright, sunny, lovely morning. Perfect day for picking citrus. I put on my farm clothes and headed to the finca. (finca=farm) I think I had already filled a large sack with grapefruits, and another with tangerines and was working my way towards the lemons, when I saw the first flash of light. This is where things get a little cloudy. It was as if a large oval shape shiny flying object had landed on my farm. I couldn't move, I wanted to move, perhaps even scream, but I couldn't. It was as if someone or perhaps something had control of my body.
I can't remember most of the last 6 days but I can share with you the few bits and pieces that seem to be a part of where I may have been for the last 6 days (instead of fulfilling my duty to NaBloPoMo). I remember little green men, I think they had foreign accents, although I don't recall seeing their lips move. I remember a hallway of
The little green men led me through the hallway and into a conference room. I think the chupacabra was there, as was the Pillsbury dough boy( I seem to recall a look of angst on his little dough face, what is it with aliens and anal probes?), the Michelin tire man, that big marshmallow guy from the ghostbuster movie, a wookie and Sigourney Weaver. Everyone was in various "probing positions". Again my memory seems to fail me somewhat here. I do recall reaching for my switchblade, because duh ... I am Puerto Rican, I never leave home without it. Then before I knew it I woke up today in my bed surrounded by sacks of fruit. go figure ...
The good news is I am back, the bad news is I can't figure out how to get all this marshmallow out of my hair.
In comments, how goes it with you? miss me? ever been abducted by little green men?
Thursday, November 08, 2007
I will try almost any kind of food once, twice if I am unsure. I love most vegetables and almost all fruits. I don't care for red meat much but I can eat fish everyday. I've taken a few cooking classes. I've learned to make Sushi, Sicilian specialties, and vegetarian meals. I am not so good at making deserts except for a killer New York style cheesecake.
I do think that fresh ingredients are always best. I do think there is a big difference between expensive olive oil and cheap olive oil. I feel the same way about balsamic vinegar. I do think the more "natural" the better. I am not a fan of processed foods, or fast food.
I am not able to get somethings here but luckily friends and family are always willing to ship things to me. My cousin Tony supplies me with Italian cold cuts, and my cousin Olga has made sure I don't run out of Orzo and acini de pepe. (for my chicken soup)
I love bread and I am rather fond of crackers so all those diets that claim I should not have bread can kiss my butt. I don't care for anything peanut butter flavored but I do like peanut butter. I love jelly bellies. I love cheap chocolate bars (twix bars are my favorite) but I don't like chocolate deserts. I love flan and creme brulee.
I enjoy going to nice restaurants and ordering appetizers. I love pizza. I love salads. (along with a nice glass of wine, red, I don't care much for white.) I've eaten alligator, rattlesnake and crickets. I've tired parts of animals that should be thrown away. (sometimes that "when in Rome" thing doesn't work in your favor)
I love rice and potatoes. I don't like turnips or parsnips. I love a good Barbecue, grilling is another of my cooking skills. I can also fillet fish like a pro. I am allergic to scallops but eat all other shellfish. I love octopus and squid especially grilled or in a salad. Roast Pork ala Puerto Rican is to die for.
I love eggs Benedict, and real maple syrup, but not together. I once ate my way through New Orleans and drank bloody Mary's served with a plethora of garnishes. I don't buy any fruit in supermarkets except for apples because nothing tastes as good as what I grow, sadly I don't grow apples.
I'm done rambling for now, I've got chickens to feed, tangerines and grapefruit to pick, talk among yourselves ...
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
I am most times surprised at the closeness of such a large extended family as mine. I ponder how so many people, who are so vastly different from one another, united by a bloodline, have forged such lasting relationships. Our history started here on this island and through out the years many of us have returned, determined to continue where the last generation left off.
There are few aunts and uncles left but the cousins ... the cousins number in the gazillions (if you include both first and second cousins and all their kids). We, this generation are picking up the torch. We are all well versed in our culture and traditions. We can name most, if not all of our ancestors and what part of Puerto Rico they came from. We still cook and crave traditional Puerto Rican food, no matter what part of the world we find ourselves in. We revel in each other's triumphs and share in each other's sorrows. We are family.
My cousin Tony was here for a visit in October. He lives in Connecticut. He could have gone on a cruise with his wife Michelle and instead came to Puerto Rico with his 4 kids because he wanted them to "see" where he came from. He wanted them to experience their roots. (OK, maybe there were times during the trip when he wished he was cruising without the kids but still his heart was here.) He took them everywhere on the island. They went to all the sights, and they spent time with family. They checked out the pigs and livestock, they walked round the farm and picked fruit. Tony wanted to keep that connection to our culture alive in yet another generation.
My cousins reunion in Vegas is yet another example of our family ties. Some of the cousins had not seen each other in close to 30 years, yet from the moment we all arrived to the moment we said our good-byes, we were family. We talked endlessly about our lives and our culture. We filled each other in on family history. We spoke of the diversity of who we are, and the different paths some have chosen. We discussed (for hours) the craziness of belonging to this family.
Today, while I watched the last surviving aunts and uncles, I realized we had come full circle. From the aunts and uncles to Tony's visit to the cousins reunion, we loved and we laughed. Each generation doing their part to keep family and culture alive.
I am blessed and proud to be Boricua and carry this family name.
Monday, November 05, 2007
Sunday, November 04, 2007
What my fashion sense tells me:
- If you weigh over 200 lbs. you are NOT a size 6, stop trying to pretend you are.
- Unless you have 6 pack abs, shirts that expose your midriff are a definite fashion DON'T.
- Try to age gracefully, dress your age.
- Low rise jeans are great but butt cracks are exclusively for plumbers.
- Pick a season and go with it, you really don't need to wear boots with your bathing suit.
- Trying matching colors or go monochromatic. Some of you really should fear color.
- Not everyone should wear thongs.
- There is a thin line (perhaps even a thick line) between sexy and slutty. A lot of women don't seem to know that or maybe they don't care.
- Super long nails are just plain ugly and scary.
- Cracked heels and dry feet, should be hidden at all times.
- There is a difference between being a free spirit and a fashion disaster.
- Not all fashion trends are meant to be worn by all people.
Saturday, November 03, 2007
- John, Paul, Ringo or George? Why? (I'm thinking lifestyle and reputation, not just looks) I would have to say John because he appeared to live as he wished. I am all for having that ability to truly enjoy the freedom to be yourself. Even if it means naked pictures.
- What was the last book you finished reading? What did you like/dislike about it? Did it make you think or was it purely for enjoyment? The last book I read was "Chango's Fire" by Ernesto Quinonez. ( I am currently reading: Collected Stories by Gabriel Garcia Marquez) "Chango's Fire" was a great read, and I enjoyed it for it's use of cultural references and it was well written. It was purely for enjoyment purposes but any good book always makes me think. I wondered about the writer, the development of characters and the lives they led. Get it, read it, you'll be glad you did.
- Your neighbor has passed out in the driveway again, but this time he's in your driveway. Do you wake him up and tell him to move or write "loser" in magic marker on his forehead? I wouldn't write anything on him because I would fear the toxic smells emanating from his being. I would however grab a broom and attempt to sweep him all the way to his driveway.
- You're having a booming year for avocados, after shipping a few dozen to me, what would you do with the rest? What do you make with the ones you keep for personal use? I would sell them for lot's of cash that I would then spend on new electronic toys and shoes, plenty of new shoes. The ones for personal use would find their way into my salads, I'd make guacamole and the really ripe ones make excellent hair conditioner. (just don't forget to rinse, otherwise people look at you funny).
- As the Queen of Puerto Rico, you have been asked to a conference of world leaders. What would you like to say to them? Anything specific for anyone in particular? First I would be very grateful and polite. (Manners do count.) Then I would use my time to explain the meaning and use of "common sense". I would hope to be eloquent enough to speak for and represent the true thoughts and feelings of those that do not have an opportunity to "bitch slap" those in power. Lastly I would specifically address President Bush and ask him why he hasn't learned to speak English correctly?. English is my second language, and I speak it well. Then I would trip him and laugh as he fell. The end.
Friday, November 02, 2007
In Puerto Rico it never snows. It rains. It rains for days. And then it rains some more. The last storm brought with it 8 days of rain. Rain that fluctuates from heavy to light showers but it doesn't stop completely for days. Rain. Children love to hear the word. Torrential rain means no school. It means we may lose power, well ... we'll likely lose power. If we lose power we also have no water, since the well is powered by electricity. No power = no water = no school. My internet connection is via satellite, on rainy days my connection slows to crawl, if I have a connection at all. Lot's of rain means the farm goes unattended. Our soil is like red clay and it becomes slippery and almost treacherous when wet. Rain means the free range chickens look for dry hiding spots, like the shed, the balcony, and under the car. Rain means my cat can't play outside as much as he wants, and that in turn means I have to stop whatever I am doing every few minutes to let him back in or back out. Extended periods of rain mean that due to the warmth and humidity everything feels wet (clothes, furniture, even the walls) and everything starts to smell musty and old. But yet ... I love rainy days. I accept the "cons" as part of life here in the tropics.
I live on a mountain top and one of the sights I am always amazed by is being able to sit on my balcony and see the rain working it's way over to my house. I can see it (and sometimes hear it) in the distance. I sit and watch it slowly work it's way to me. I can watch as torrential rain can become a river flowing down from our mountain along the street. I marvel at the sound of thunder that roars with a fierceness that always makes me shiver a little. Lot's of rain means I'll spot another rainbow. It means it's a good day to read and relax. I sleep best during rain storms, something about that rhythmic soothing sound that lulls me into such a secure state that my insomnia seems a thing of the past.
After the rain, Puerto Rico is even more beautiful. The lushness of my island is spectacular. Every rainy spell is followed by the most glorious beautiful sunny days. It is as if the rain truly has cleansed my little part of the planet. The droplets of water still lingering on the trees as I walk through the farm, the fruits and vegetables glistening in the sun, waiting to be picked. The smell of freshness in the air. The warmth of the sun as it drys all the wetness from my balcony and my cat can finally lounge outdoors for as long as he wants. The rain and I are good friends.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain" ( I have no clue who said this, but someone did)
Thursday, November 01, 2007
- The really cool prizes enticed me.
- I was suffering a momentary lapse in logic.
- I sometimes succumb to peer pressure even if that peer pressure is coming from people I never actually met. (but have sent fruit to)
- Blogging everyday is something I always wanted to do but never seem to make time for, now I will be "forced" to.
- I have a whole lot of "stuff" to write about and this is my excuse.
- I'm just learning to type with all 10 fingers and I don't want to let that skill slip.
- I have too much time on my hands after 12 hours of working the farm and running errands all day.
- I look forward to the challenge and am secretly excited about it.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
In comments, "what up" with you since last we spoke?
Sunday, October 07, 2007
Yeah, well, Dagromm, whatever ... but since I am still on my quest for the interview crown, I am willing to risk spiritual enlightenment or Al Roker to win. So behold my answers:
1) The world is made up of "haves" and "have-nots", but even the "haves" don't have everything, or even half of some things. Please explain. Well, um, see it all started with the egg, I mean the chicken but then Bill Gates got involved and now he has everything thus becoming the "haves" which meant that the rest of us became the "have-nots". But since even the "haves" as you claim don't have everything, Bill Gates must be missing something, but damn if I know what it is. The end.
2) If you could slip out of your castle undetected for a few days to live as a commoner, how would you accomplish this and what in the world were you thinking? Are you kidding me? why the hell would I want to live as a commoner?
3) Colors are often used to represent emotions and also flavors. Which color best represents you? Peach (Tera says it's a color, go with me on this one) with a smattering of purple, aqua and black.
4) A tornado wrecks havoc on Puerto Rico and sweeps you off to an island with a dozen other stranded people. They all speak the same language, but not one that you speak. How long does it take for you to kill them? Duh, we have hurricanes not tornado's, you must be thinking of Texas. Go ask Q that question.
5) What would you warn someone about that wanted to visit Puerto Rico? Don't forget to bow and avoid eye contact with the queen and bring bug spray, Dengue fever is one the rise.
6) Why did you send Q mangoes? He's been a real snob about it. He keeps them on display so that he can show them to us when ever we're around. They haven't held up well since it's been over six months and he mounted them in the first week to a plaque that says "Bequeathed by the Queen of Puerto Rico". I sent them because I really like fringes and by default Q, or because it does my heart good to know how it torments the rest of you, or because it was cheaper then sending livestock (sorry Q, I would have sent that donkey if I could have found a box big enough) or because I am really getting into this whole "Queen" thing and I knew Q was weak enough to buy into the whole story line.
7) You are a very good writer that puts most of the blog community to shame. Besides myself who else do you find to be an exceptionally impressive blogger? I couldn't think of anyone else either. I am meditating on this one, will get back to you. ( while we wait, I'd say everyone whose blog I take the time to read.)
8) I am fascinated by the requests people make for a last meal when they face execution. What would your's be? Ripe fried platanos, bacon, rellenos de pana, empanadillas de pollo, vanilla flan, a pint of Ben and Jerry's "cherry Garcia", Loli's mangu and a six pack of Medalla light.
9) If you were to go back in time and write your own birth announcement, what would it say? EsLocura was born! (yeah not very creative but to the point)
10) When you were younger I'm sure you were told you were too young to do some things you wanted to do. At some point do you think you might be told you're too old to do something that you want to do? What will the activity be? The only time I expect to be too old to do something I want to do, is when I'm dead.
11) As royalty you have some significant influence. What is the one thing that you would like to make legal and what is the one thing that you would like to make illegal? I'd make marijuana legal and I'd out law stupid people breeding. And of course I would make "Dagromm day" a national holiday.
12) What personal possession have you held onto the longest and why? There are actually 2 things. I still have the paycheck stub from my very first job because it reminds me that I will always have the power to never be hungry again. I also still have every journal I ever wrote in, because it chronicles all the reasons for the human I continue to evolve into.
13) When was the last time you were embarrassed to ask for help or admit you did not know something? I am always quick to admit I don't know something, knowledge is power and I like learning. However asking for help is not something I do well. I have always been someone who would rather muddle through and figure it out then ask for help.
14) You are going out on the town and finally splurge on those skin tight leather pants you've always wanted. What top do you wear with it? none, I don't want anything distracting from the fine tight leather.
15) Gyuss likes to point out that 40 is the new 20. Q says that 15 is the new 18. Cyber D maintains that millionaires are the new middle class. I'm not sure if there's a question in there somewhere ... but ... a little help please? I hear gray is the new black, Met's are out and the Yankees are in (sort of, tonight they be be out), It's "Breast Cancer Awareness month", ladies make time to schedule your mammograms and don't forget self exams, men feel free to lend a caring hand.
Thank you all for playing. This concludes my interviews. Did you get to know me better? Did I win the interview crown? (I bet my crown will look great with those leather pants)
Friday, October 05, 2007
1) Poof! You've been transformed into a fruit. What fruit are you? What characteristics do you share with this fruit? What dish are you best served with? Mango's have been described as sweet, juicy, succulent, and sensual, that's me in a nutshell. Best served alone, no need to taint perfection.
2) What is your favorite time of day? Why? 4 AM, It's when the world seems to stand still and quiet. I sit on my balcony, drinking coffee, watching the sunrise and relishing the moment before the chaos of my day starts.
3) As the "Queen of Puerto Rico" your days are filled with duties and endless tasks. When you have an evening off, though, what do you like to do? Who do you like to do it with?( Boy, haven't I left myself open for a bad answer there?) As Queen a day off is nearly impossible but every so often I lock the castle gates and after practicing my naked happy dance, count my blessings and drink plenty of red wine. As for who I do it with, inquiring minds want to know ... tough.
4) I'm in jail! You, out of the unbelievable kindness of your heart, have decided to pay my bail. What do you have to sell to get me out of jail? Exactly what did I do to land myself there? Once you get me out, what conversation do we have? I had to sell 3 chickens, 2 goats and 2 pigs along with my vintage "Alice in wonderland" watch. You were arrested for displaying your "wares" in public, while ranting "Do you think these boobs are awesome?" Upon your release we both start laughing hysterically and I ask for the final count. You reply "32, yes those are awesome and one look of confusion". (of course the look of confusion came from the old man I had the garage incident with so he doesn't count). Still laughing, we drive off
5) We've miraculously evolved and can now live on any planet. What planet do you choose? why? Mars, the red planet. For the following reasons : it was named after the God of war, which is kinda cool, I enjoyed " The war of the worlds" by H.G. Wells, Mars has polar caps like Earth, containing frozen carbon dioxide (and a small amount of water), The largest volcano in the solar system is on Mars (called Olympus Mons), Mars has seasons like Earth. This is caused by the tilt of the planet's axis, at a similar angle to the tilt of Earth axis, and lastly, I like the color red.
Please stayed tuned part 3 is yet to come.
Thursday, October 04, 2007
2) You are a living legend and are going to be globally recognized in 3 days ... write your speech.
Gracias, muchas gracias, por acceptar que yo soy la unica persona que puedo conquistar el mundo. Free drinks for everyone.
3) The old man that had the discussion about the parking spot with you in the garage weeks ago is in the elevator with you and you two recognize each other ... do you say anything to him? I say " Hey, You look a little older then last time we met ... Get out! I found this elevator first!".
4) No one has read your blog in weeks (I know rare, but run with me on this one) as soon as you become a bit puzzled, what is your next post about? It's about my wild week of sex, sharing every small detail and of course, plenty of pictures, nothing brings the hoards of huckleberries out like sex.
5) Tell me about your first love, any regrets? still communicate? lessons learned? It was J in high school. He was sweet, funny and thoughtful. My first "real boyfriend". Our families were concerned about our differences mostly that I was poor and lived in a bad neighborhood, he was not poor and lived in a nice neighborhood. Either his parents or older brother always drove him to my house and picked him up because they feared for his safety. Lesson learned: despite their concerns, his family always welcomed me with open arms, always tried to feed me, and with J, I never felt poor, or different. Compassion, understanding and an open mind go a long way. I also learned how to kiss with J, he was a damn great kisser. We lost track of each other when he got a baseball scholarship and I moved from New York to Massachusetts. (Hey J, if you happen upon my blog, thank you, it was a lovely ride and you did set the bar pretty high for future boyfriends.)
Please stay tuned, Susan's interview questions coming up next.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Hearts over at "Guilty with an explanation" sent me a meme over a week ago and although I swore to get right on it, I am just getting to it now. Heart's blog is among my favorites. She is smart, witty and insightful. Now to the meme before I get distracted. It's an interview, 5 questions kind. (Heart's questions and my answers.)
1) I would like to know all the reasons you moved to Puerto Rico, besides the incredible staggering beauty of the place. This property was purchased close to 10 years ago as an investment, a possible retirement getaway and for sentimental reasons. This is where my dad grew up, in fact he went to grade school just down the road. About 3 years ago I came here on vacation for what was suppose to be a 2 week stay and stayed for a month. Shortly there after I came back to deal with a family crisis and I have been here ever since. In the process of being the fabulous problem solver/care giver that I am, I rediscovered my roots. (not that I had ever left them behind, just that my focus was different.) I found that my culture, and my island held my history and perhaps my future. The activism and beliefs my parents instilled in me, came to flourish here. I am here, choosing to speak for those who can't, taking care of those who need a helping hand, and living a much more selfless life. Of course, why I am here is much more convoluted and complicated than I am stating but the bottom line is that I love my homeland and had always planed on returning. Fate just had a way of getting me here sooner than I had anticipated.
2) If you could meet one famous person from any era, who would it be, and what would you want to ask him or her? I'd would like to meet Albert Einstein. I'd want to ask him how he managed to use his genius for good not evil and still have the courage to be himself. How does one stay true to himself and yet cope with the ideals and expectations of the planet? (that may be 2 questions but so) Yes, Albert Einstein because I admire those who were told they couldn't but did.
3) If you were assured the wildest success in any career of your choice, what would it be? I'd have to say it would be in the only career I enjoyed (and was damn good in, she said modestly), the field of psychology. The success would be to understand human behavior enough to alter it in a way that would allow for more happiness. The ability to teach the skills needed so that everyone gets an equal chance at living the best life they can. Since it's my "wildest success" to help conquer mental illness, now that would be wild.
4) If you were given 10 million dollars, free and clear, how would you spend it? I'd spend 5 million making my family and friends a little more comfortable and 5 million I would give to charity. The charities would be : Susan G komen foundation, Heifer International, Kiva, and the International Aids Alliance.
5) What quality of character do you most want to be remembered for by your loved ones? Sincerity.
1) If you would like to be interviewed leave me a comment saying "interview me".
2) I will respond by emailing you 5 questions, I get to pick the questions.
3) Update your blog with a post containing the answers.
4) Include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5) When others comment asking to be interviewed, you ask them 5 questions.
There you have it, I'm back, meme style.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Parking is in a building garage, a good thing since in this heat, shade is always nice. The garage was full but there are no other parking options at this place and I had plenty of time, so I decided to just drive around the garage until a spot became available. 35 minutes later (now normally after 15 minutes, I would be swearing and screaming all sorts of evilness but since I am on a beauty kick, I was calm, secure in the knowledge that I had plenty of time.) I spotted a man exiting the elevator, I sped up, opened my window, asked if he was leaving ... "yes", he says, and motions for me to follow him. He was parked just a few spaces away from the elevator. What joy, how lucky am I, right near the elevator.
There is a long line of cars behind me, I proudly turn on my blinker, smugly letting everyone behind me know I got a spot. As I glance in my rear view mirror, I see a car (2 cars behind me) start to pull out of the pack. I think "man, is that guy impatient". He starts to pull up beside me and of course I think he is about to pass me because he can't wait for the one guy to pull out of the parking spot so I can pull in.
As the first guy pulls out of the parking spot, the car next to me pulls in. For a moment I viewed life in slow motion... he didn't just steal my parking spot, no, he couldn't have, yes, damn it, yes, he fucking just stole my spot! I honk my horn ( a lot), I open my window and try to get his attention ... nada ... he ignores me.
I get out of my car and walk right up to his car, now parked in "my" spot. There sits an old man, who I swear must have been 80 years old! He looks up at me and says "what do you want?". The following conversation ensues:
Me: you just stole my parking spot.
Me: I was right there next to you, the first car with the blinker on waiting for this spot.
Old man: but I'm old.
Me: yeah and your point is what? you stole my spot.
Old man: don't you respect your elders?
Me: with all due respect sir, you obviously showed little respect when you stole my spot.
Old man: but I'm old.
Me: I want my spot.
Old man: what do you want me to do?, I have an appointment.
Me: I have an appointment too, I drove around for 35 minutes waiting for a spot and you stole it, and I want it back, so I want you to leave so I can park.
Old man: I'm old and you are being a bully.
Me: you aren't so old that you didn't know you were stealing my spot.
Old man: I didn't see you, sometimes I don't notice things, I'm old.
Me: you shouldn't be driving if you don't notice things but that's a personal problem, now get out of my spot!.
Old man: Are you going to make an old man keep driving around and miss his appointment? That's just rude and disrespectful.
Me: Stop playing the "old man card". I understand you have things to do, but so do I, now get out of my parking space. I'll wait here all day if I have to.
The rest of the day, I am left pondering what effects todays event will have on my karma. Yes, my little huckleberries, today I bullied an old man with big sad eyes out of a parking spot. Now obviously, I feel bad (I'm still thinking about) but seriously, is old age an excuse for not doing the right thing? Should he get away with bad manners because of age? Should I learn to be more respectful of the elderly? Did I open the door to a ton of bad karma?
Monday, September 03, 2007
Natures beauty is a great high for me. The above banner is a picture I took one morning while having coffee on the balcony. Sunrise, it was almost magical. Nature is amazing. Sometimes I get so tied up with the things that keep me busy that I almost lose sight of the fact that I live on a gorgeouse tropical island, where finding beauty means just looking outside. Don't we all get so busy sometimes we forget to look around, take in our surroundings and feel grateful?
Tasteful beauty, there is nothing like the food of this island. Seeing all the fruits and veggies grow, is pretty groovy. The beauty starts at the plant and ends with something delicious to eat. The bakeries here provide sweets, breads, and sandwiches that make you forget the calories and just refuse to step on the scale for a month.
Shoes, talk about beauty. I just bought a pair of flip flops that are fabulous. (I know, I read the news, flip flops are bad for my feet but so what). I paid $3.99 for them, on sale, 75% off, beautiful! Shoes of any kind, damn beautiful.
Friends and family, beautiful. (
Music is beautiful. It doesn't matter what mood I'm in or how frazzled I get, music does indeed make life better. (except for reggaeton, that never makes anything better). Certain sounds are beautiful, like laughter, and sweet whisperings. One of my favorites is the coqui's after a heavy rain.
Love is a beautiful thing. Finding the time to pause and admire the love we sometimes take for granted, not an easy task but so worth it. Isn't it sad that sometimes we recall the beauty of love when it's too late ? Love, savor it, bask in it, roll around in it, before it's too late.
I have spent a lot of time recently finding beauty, re-discovering it, and reminding myself of it's existence. I had forgotten that beauty was right here, always surrounding me, waiting patiently to be noticed. We should all make an attempt to stop ignoring beauty. It's not that difficult to find. Perhaps the planet would be a sweeter place if we were to embrace more beauty. Beauty in the simple things, a smile, a warm embrace, a silly conversation, a good cup of coffee with a decadent dessert, or even a great pair of flip flops.
Share the beauty, where do you find it, what's beautiful to you? I need to know.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
- I am trying to film my naked happy dance for posterity.
- I am spending all my free time testing new hair products.
- I fell, scraped my knee and am wallowing.
- I have a serious case of d.t.'s due to the lack of bp's.
- I'm dealing with some family illness/issues.
- my cat ate yet another lizard.
- I am greatly saddened by Owen Wilson's mental health issues, and let's not even talk about Lindsey or Britney.
- the heat, humidity and rain have caused me to constantly rant "I'm melting, I'm melting" and frankly that takes up huge portions of my day.
- I'm farming, cooking and taking care of business.
- The new padded cell is way too cozy.
- I've run away and joined the circus. (on my upward climb to cirque du soleil).
- I'm plotting, plotting lot's of stuff.