Thursday, December 31, 2009


May it be filled with Peace, Love, and Joy
Besos, Es

Monday, December 28, 2009

And so it begins

Now that Christmas is over, we look towards the New Year. Here on the island we still have the New Years celebration and 3 Kings day before the partying yields back to our routines. But as does most of the planet at this time of year, we look back on the past year and contemplate what the new year holds for us.

I have lived in Puerto Rico for four years now. Four years of tropical island/farm living. Nothing like my past city life. I still look back on my New York and Boston life, and it amazes me that I went from fast paced city career girl to my Boricua roots. Oh, how I still miss my old life, but oh , how I have strongly embraced my island home.

It's been a difficult transition, filled with plenty of loss and turmoil. I am ashamed to admit that I let the difficulties and loss define me, more often than I allowed the beauty and wonder to take hold. I am ashamed to admit that I have hit rock bottom way too often. I am ashamed to admit that there have been moments when I felt I truly understood why some people choose to give up or perhaps even take their own life. Overwhelming sadness, grief and tough decisions can make a person lose sight of all that is good. Loneliness and heartache (although at times self imposed) are not conducive to a good night sleep or a positive attitude or good health. I am ashamed to admit that I said "I hate my life" so often I lost count. I am ashamed to admit I lost sight of living only to bask in ugliness. It was not and hasn't been a good way to live. In fact I only "lived" intermittently.

This last year has been the most difficult. All my psychology training and degrees couldn't pick me up off the floor, not that I tried too hard to get up either. But sometimes as you lay in that bathtub full of life's lemons, enjoying the despair, someone or something reminds you that it's not over yet. The gods remind you that the journey although difficult and dark, still manages to hold some glimmers of light. Some little voice reminds you to look around, to search for the joy because it is still there, you have just forgotten where to look. You have forgotten how to live and living is something I use to do with great abandon, I was damn good at it.

So all that being said my only goal for the New Year is to find some peace. To focus on me because you know when it's all said and done, it's really all about me. right? I am making the choice to focus on the positive and to be thankful. I am so very grateful for so many things. (get ready here come the bullets)
  • I live on gorgeous tropical island, whose culture, beaches and food are nothing short of spectacular. How can I not focus on all that beauty? My only real complaint about living here are the countless bad hair days due to the humidity, if that's my major beef I really need to shut up.
  • I have lost what may have been some of the greatest loves of my life, but as the old saying goes "it is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all" Stupid saying but oh so very true. If I lose sight of all that joy and love, I diminish what was some incredible love.
  • I am grateful to all of you who read this blog and take the time to comment or email me. Some of you I have met in person, others I only know in cyber-world but all of you have blessed me with your friendship. Many of you shared your wisdom, and personal stories with me, many of you quietly "held my hand". Thank you, I am humbled by your beauty.
  • My cousins (not the whole gazillion of you, ha!) but those select few who love me so unconditionally. It's a groovy thing that we have all connected. This generation is setting the bar high for those cousins that follow us. I won't name all of you (it would take too long and this post is long enough already) but you know who you are. I love you and I am grateful.
  • Las Comadres! what can I say about you, you take friendship to a whole new level. You understand me, and you still love me, how beautiful is that! You are phenomenal women, 'nuff said.
  • My immediate family, you haven't made life easy for me but I regret nada. You have made me stronger, you have never doubted me, you believed when I didn't. I am proud to live up to our family name. You too have set the bar awfully high, but I will never stray from reaching it.
I am a strong, educated woman. I hold the key to my destiny, only I decide what defines me. If I don't enjoy the journey what beauty will the destination hold? As 2010 nears, I choose to live this new life a whole lot better than I did in 2009. And so it begins ... with me ... because my little huckleberries, it's all about me, a better me.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Feliz Navidad

From my corner of the world to yours
Merry Christmas

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Alive and well

It's been 4 months since I last wrote in this blog. I promised I would write more often ... I lied. I didn't mean to lie it just sort of happened, Life sometimes gets in the way of blogging. Of course, you would think that after all this time I would have something profound, earth shattering, and important to say but I don't. Nope, nada, empty. Well, except for yet another bullet post and some pictures ...

  • The above picture is the back of the U.S. Puerto Rico quarter. We are a United States Colony/territory and we got minted. So go check your pocket change and when you find the Puerto Rico quarter, think of moi.

  • In October we had a huge explosion at the Gulf Oil refinery. Big massive explosion caused by human error. The explosion included a 3.8 earth tremor and a plume of smoke that could be seen for miles and lasted a week. (and yes Nor, I could see it from my house)
  • In November I attended my brother's Catholic Confirmation. I am not a practicing Catholic, nor am I much of a believer, But Albert is and it was important to him so it was important to me. His girlfriend Dilmaris, was also confirmed that day. I am sometimes in awe that this handsome 17 year old young man is the same little frightened 2 year old boy I met for the first time at social services and as much angst as he sometimes causes me, the joy he brings is far greater.
  • Our little island is besieged in turmoil. The economy sucks, the murder count is greater then several major and much bigger cities in the United States, and our Governor is a complete idiot who thinks that what's important in these trying times is privatization and statehood. Neither of which is wanted by the people of the island.

  • The holiday season is upon us and let me tell you Puerto Ricans know how to party! And we will be partying 'till the cows come home or January 6th. which ever comes first.
Now my little huckleberries, that's all I got for now. I am still here, and I will be back. besos, Es

(Susan, am so doing my naked happy dance about your new house!)

Monday, August 17, 2009

Hurricane Season is upon us

We are currently being drenched by tropical depression Ana. We expect a lot of rain and some windy conditions. Latest reports advise about flooding. I don't mind the rain except this means that getting into town will require me to take an alternate route since my normal road will be under water in a couple hours. I need to get to the grocery store today. damn it.

Hurricane Bill, is heading this way and although earlier reports said it would hit Puerto Rico head on, now it seems it will miss us but again we expect heavy rain and winds by Friday. The national Hurricane center is telling us that it is still too early to say weather Hurricane Bill will miss us or not because it is about 4 days away. In 4 days anything can happen and normally does when speaking "hurricanes".

I am going into Hurricane mode none the less because I don't care to fight the masses for gallons of water or batteries on Thursday. (should Bill decide to pay us a visit on Friday as is predicted)
I will be going to Home depot and the grocery store today during the downpour of Tropical Depression Ana.

The National Hurricane Center offers this helpful tips for Hurricane preparedness . I am going to focus on water, ya gotta have water, food, I gotta eat, making sure my cell phone and Ipod are fully charged at all times, snacks are a must have. I love chips and dip during a storm, and of course Booze because what goes better with chips and dip than an ice cold Medalla? (ice cold as long as there is power, of course) But in case there is no power Red wine can be served at room temperature, keep that in mind when you are getting ready.

Hurricane season last until November. This is the first of many warnings to come my way. I fully understand the devastation a hurricane can leave in its wake and although I do heed the warnings, I can't help but take a lighthearted view in my approach because lets face it, Life is too short to freak out. I can't control Mother Nature, but I can control my hurricane preparedness, so let the games begin ...

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

The great outdoors, part 2

Some more vacation pictures: above picture from Zion in Utah, you should really go there.

Zion Narrows, Jenny and I hiked the Narrows for 7 hours, beautiful hike.

The narrows: it's mostly hiking through rock and water.


Jenny working her way across the water, to that mud area in the background.

Bryce Canyon, you really should go there too.

Dead tree, crow, Grand Canyon.

As you were, am done for now.

Monday, August 03, 2009

I am ...

Reading: Last exit to Brooklyn by Hubert Selby, Jr.

Listening: my ipod, Spearhead, all rebel rockers.

Watching: nada.

Eating: Fruity Cheerios.

Drinking: Strong black coffee/water/lemonade (not together).

Making: a list of everything I need to get done this week.

Waiting: for the other shoe to drop, or miracles to happen.

Wondering: If there is any truth to "a fine line between genius and insanity"?.

Wanting: To relive one moment of my choice.

Y tu? Que haces?

Monday, July 27, 2009

The great outdoors

I took a little vacation, I was gone 12 days. 12 Days where I did nothing but focus on me (and a little bit on my travel companion.) I spent a lot of time listening to my ipod, sleeping long hours, a deep restful sleep, I read, had a manicure and pedicure and I hiked. I went to Arizona and Utah and Nevada. Now I know it was a bit crazy to leave this tropical island paradise for that dry desert heat that numbered in the triple digits every single day I was there but I am crazy that way. Anyone who knows me knows that my greatest joy is being in nature, surrounded by sunlight and walking/hiking.

I came back feeling a little more "together" and a little more focused and a lot more content. I won't go into detail about the couple times I cried or held back tears . The times I longed for things the way they use to be, or even the overwhelming sadness. I will tell you that this trip was a bit cathartic, I purged some negativity, accepted a few things, renewed my spirit and even found time to basked in the familiar.

I hiked the Grand Canyon, Bryce Canyon and Zion, then I topped it off with a side trip to Vegas. I went with my cousin Jenny (she's one of my gazillion cousins). She was the perfect travel partner, smart, witty and yet fully aware of my need to "mend" from the last year, she left me plenty of alone time.

Grand Canyon, absolute splendor.

Me at Bryce, contemplating the end of a 4 hour hike.

Zion Narrows

Grand canyon, Free from worry, I should have taken a leap and clicked my heels together but it was a long way down.

Bryce Canyon

Grand Canyon, dead tree

Working on pushing that damn boulder I've been carrying around away, far away.

Jenny and I, taken by some strange guy that followed us around for a bit.

Jenny after a long day of hiking.

Another dead tree, but it was pretty.

I have many more pictures to share but blogger is giving me a headache and taking way too long to upload pictures so this is the end ... for now.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Oink Oink

I have been away for the last couple weeks but this post isn't about what a joyous time that was (that's the next post) this is about the damn swine flu. We on the island are at Level 5. level 6 being "we are more than likely in big trouble" pandemic level.

Now if you read the news there are a plethora of conflicting reports. According to news sources Puerto Rico has had anywhere from 1-8 deaths and 100-800 confirmed cases.

Let me tell you how it's playing out here on the "isla del encanto": We have had 8 deaths, 300 confirmed cases and about another 600 unconfirmed. A whole lot of people are walking around in full pandemic regalia. (surgical masks, gloves, and vats of alcohol based hand sanitizer.)

Our government (which is run by a bunch of stupid, greedy people who make all decisions based on their own personal agendas and not at all in the best interest of the country) have been on TV daily, warning us about our up coming doom yet telling us not to worry, it's all under control. The media of course has also done it's best to fuel the pandemic panic fires.

We really have no idea about the real facts since our government is stupid, but I think I already told you they were stupid, right? As of today meetings are being held behind closed doors to decide if in fact a level 6 will be declared today. In the mean time, we have been told to cancel all activities that involve large groups and several municipalities have shut down operations for the next week. There is a possibility that all government offices will close but I don't really know if that's true because well, our government is stupid.

The governor while making his daily news briefs has warned the public not to hug, or kiss or shake hands with anyone, not anyone, for any reason. Hellooooo this is Puerto Rico, does he have any idea that as a culture, as Puerto Ricans, physical touch is a must, it's an instinct, it's what makes us Puerto Rican. So as you can guess "the people" have gotten very creative to meet this new challenge. I saw people today touch elbows (because you know elbows can't spread germs), some throw kisses at each other, others touch finger tips and then pull out the vats of disinfectant to smear all over each other. Which if you ask me could be fun if done naked with the right person.

As for me, I am not doing anything except my same old routine, while constantly disinfecting my hands when ever I touch something that perhaps some human or some swine may have touch prior to me. I open a door somewhere public, I clean my hands, close a public door, clean my hands, touch money, clean hands, you get the picture? My hands are dry and chapped because using an alcohol based disinfectant on them and washing them 300 times daily has managed to destroy the natural softness and beauty that were once my hands. It is however a small price to pay to show my patriotic loyalty, or to prevent the spread of swine flu depending on which news report you follow.

If all hell doesn't break out today, I'll be back soon to tell you all about my vacation. Right now ,I am off to wash my hands because I don't know what swine might have touched this keyboard while I was away. (you can click on the Pooh pic to enlarge if you can't read it)

Update: we now have 9 confirmed deaths, 22 unconfirmed and so far still a level 5, school should start Aug 5 but media claims that will be delayed, more baloney, little facts. that is all ...

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Slow resurgence

Yeah, yeah, so I claim to be back and then I write nada for several weeks. Damn me. I have many things I want to tell you and many things to write about, a wide variety of topics from politics to life on "the island" to sex but ... most days am too tired to put it all together so again with the bullet post:

  • I made it through another Fathers day, did a little pondering at the cemetery, I fucking hate holidays, always have, hate them now more than ever.
  • It's mango season soon to become avocado season, am ever so happy about the farm this time of year.
  • My mental and physical health really suck but am working on "fixing" both of those.
  • The governor of Puerto Rico is Luis Fortuno and he is an absolute idiot who has no idea what the people of Puerto Rico need and want. He (as do many politicians) made promises based on lies which he promptly broke the second he made it into office. He is currently in the USA asking/begging congress to allow a vote for Puerto Rico to vote on a possible vote on our status. Yeah, it makes no sense and it's stupid, a waste of time but he thinks it's important ... more on the politics of my island soon.
  • I am completely done with unpacking and organizing, hard to believe it took me 4 years to "settle in".
  • My 17 year old brother may be the spawn of Satan when he isn't one of the grooviest teens I know. Teenage drama surrounds him now that he thinks he is madly in love, argghhh.
  • Stupid people shouldn't breed, there really should be a law about that.
  • Speaking of kids, I hate pregnant women. Yes, you got knocked up but NO you do not deserve special treatment because of it. I took your parking spot, I don't care that it annoyed you, it's a mall courtesy not a law.
  • I really need to buy clothes that fit, I hate shopping.
  • Looking for a new hair style and hair color, the quest so far sucks.
  • Thanks to all of you that keep checking in on me, it's appreciated more than you know.
  • My lovely friend Loli had surgery on Monday, heal quickly, love you comadre.
There you have it ... a bunch of randomness. Whats random in your life?

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

It's been a while

I have been missing for a long, long while from the world of blogging as well as the world at large. Why? well it's a long story, long and convoluted so let me give it to you in bullets :

  • I was kidnapped by a chupacabra and only recently managed to escape.
  • I have been in such a foul mood that I could only write negative, vile things and frankly even I tired of my "pity parties".
  • Petulance (not to be confused with flatulence)
  • My writing muse took an extended vacation, leaving me high and dry.
  • I've been too busy.
  • Grief and overwhelming sadness
  • health issues, relationship issues, friendship issues, lot's of fucking issues.
  • I ran away and married Angelina Jolie Raul Julia Benicio Del Toro and being his sex slave wife leaves no time for blogging.
  • Soul searching.
  • I had eight babies, and have been avoiding the media circus that surrounds such a blessed event.
  • I just needed a break because of my mental break.
  • Due to my chronic insomnia have been hallucinating too much to write something clever.
  • Am so freaking tired, sick and tired.
  • Grief ... did I mention grief?
  • been training for a triathlon (can't even type that with a straight face.)
  • Been traveling the world using my powers for good and not evil.
  • No time to write, a Nuyorican (aka a Puerto Rican) is headed to the supreme court.
  • Procrastination, putting off till maƱana what I could have written about today.
  • sad, lonely, miserable, too many headaches.
  • No internet connection in my padded cell.
There you have it my little huckleberries, reasons why I have been gone, some are true, some are not. Feel free to add your own reasons for my disappearance.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Life stages

I have spent a little time looking at old pictures while waiting for my wounds to heal and since I have nothing to really blog about I thought I would give you a glimpse at how I developed into the gorgeous beauty queen you see above.

I was a bald baby, didn't grow hair until I was almost 2 or maybe 3.
(OK, I think that's a picture of my mother but I looked just like her when I was that age.)

Once I grew hair, grow it I did. My hair and I, we have always had a love/hate thing going.

I had a thing for milking cows, if I saw a cow, I milked it, OK, I was a little freaky that way. (well, in other ways too but that's another blog post) This was obviously before my love of pigs, which by the way, I never tried to milk.

My mother made that dress. It started my love of frilly flowery dresses. OK, truth is I thought that dress was hideous but my mom made it, so I wore it, once. Those white socks and pointy shoes complete that dashing ensemble. I would probably wear those pointy shoes today but not with white socks.

Army pants, green shiny belt, black tube top, long hair tied back, can you say "HAWT"? yeah, me neither.

I know, I know, What the fuck happened to my bangs? It also looks like something is wrong with one of my eyes. And how about that long hair curl on my shoulder? Once you stop focusing on all that, I was pretty cute, huh? Little did I know that the red bow in my hair would be a precursor to my current love of all hair adornment. (refer back to current picture, top of post)

So there you have it, a little bit of me. A sample of who I was then which led to the beauty that is me now. I have a few more pictures which I may or may not post. Depends on who begs and how many of you looked past the bangs and saw the cuteness.

Saturday, January 03, 2009

Starting off with a bang

As you may know 2008 was a year I would like to forget. But being the optimist I would like to think I am , I was looking forward to "new beginnings" in 2009. New Years eve was filled with "happy new year" wishes and someone went as far as to tell me that with 2009 I had "nowhere to go but up". Bullshit I thought but my optimism responded, with "yeah, I am sure it will be better". Bullshit.

2 days into the new year and I am starting off with a bang. Well it was actually a fall, yep, I fell, down the stairs. Yep, I had nowhere to go but down. And down I went. (it wasn't "going down" in a good way either!) I am cut, scrapped and bruised. I also have a lovely bump on my head. And damn, I ache all over.Thats my knee, which faired pretty well because I was wearing jeans at the time. This morning the beginning's of a lovely bruise is in the development stage. And it hurts to put pressure on it.
This lovely picture is my forearm. It's also bruised and swollen this morning.

This is my elbow, taken last night before it started sporting a lovely shade of purple, it's swollen and uglier than this picture shows.

I also have a few other scrapes and bruises. Including one nice round bruise on my very nice round ass. Which I tried taking a picture of but frankly I am just not ready to share pictures of my nice bruised ass with you. Not that I don't trust you or anything. It's just that since you have yet to see my Happy naked dance (which I haven't done in a while for obvious reasons) then I don't think you should be privy to pictures of my nice bruised ass. You have to see the whole me before you can put the ass part in perspective. Maybe after a few shots of Puerto Rican moonshine you can talk me into it, but for now, you just have to take my word for how badly bruised my ass is. And my back, did I mention that my back is also scrapped and bruised? I am walking slowly because everything hurts. Trying to stand from a sitting position takes a moment because I can't put much pressure on my knee. Yeah 2009 , nowhere to go but up, fucking bullshit. Not that I'm bitter or anything ...

The optimist in me keeps whispering that this is just a minor set back, the accident could have been much worse, I have no broken bones, I still have the ability to swear, it could have been worse. And as I bandaged up all the bleeding parts last night (I didn't want to get blood on my sheets, I am so practical that way) I kept thinking yes, it could have been worse, I am just starting the year off with a bang, perhaps just getting the bad out of the way early. There's nowhere to go but up. Optimism ... my nice bruised ass, what bullshit! Please tune in tomorrow my optimism might be back by then.

Friday, January 02, 2009

We Three Kings

As most of you are now winding down from all the holiday festivities, I am still stuck in holiday hell. In Puerto Rico the party continues until 3 kings day. (January 6) Supposedly our best gifts are yet to come. Ya see santa only brings the small stuff to the island but the 3 Kings they bring the good stuff. The gifts and wishes we really long for. (maybe that's when my goat arrives)

El dia the los Reyes as it is known here in Puerto Rico is also known as the feast of the Epiphany. Epiphany derived from the Greek word epiphania meaning revelation is based on the biblical story that tells of the Magi or 3 kings (Caspar, Melchoir and Balthasar) who saw a bright light on the night Christ was born and followed it to Bethlehem. There they found the Christ child and presented him with gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. 3 kings day is also known as little Christmas, and the Twelfth night. 3 Kings day is the official end of the holiday season's "twelve days" of Christmas, counting from Christmas December 25th to the Epiphany on January 6th.

Because you know I love keeping you informed here's a little info on the 3 Kings:

El Rey Melchoir was the Sultan of Arabia. He was the oldest of the Magi and was considered a small and gentle man. Melchor had a long white beard and wore elegant crimson robes. His gift was gold which was much used by the Hebrews for the Temple and was plentiful in the time of David and Solomon. Gold was not coined until after the reign of King David, was an article of commerce and was sold by weight. Saint Melchor's feast day is January 7th. Saint Melchor's figure always goes before the other Kings in a manger scene.

El Rey Baltazar was a Nubian King and ruler of Ethiopia. Baltazar was dressed in exquisite robes. As were all the Kings. His gift was myrrh, a precious and aromatic resin that comes from the bark of thorny African trees and symbolized suffering. Myrrh was a precious commodity in the Middle East. It was one of the ingredients of the holy ointment, (Exodus 30:23), and an embalming substance. (John19:39) It is also used in medicine and as a perfume. Legend tells us that Baltazar died soon after seeing the Christ child, in the presence of the other Wise Men. Saint Baltazar's feast day is January 8th.

El Rey Gaspar was Emperor of the Orient and ruled over all oriental lands. His clothes were gilded in gold. King Caspars gift was frankincense, an exceedingly aromatic gum used as sacred incense for temple services. It is distilled from a tree in Arabia. Frankincense was priceless, the "in" gift for kings and symbolized prayer. It was burned in temples to honor God. It is said the Gaspar traveled the furthest to visit the Christ child. Saint Gaspar's feast day is January 6th.

Traditionally kids all over the island will be searching for boxes, will be filling them with hay, camels (as happens with reindeer) do get hungry on long journeys, placing the box under their bed on January 5th. Then they will go to sleep because as with Santa, if you have to be asleep for the 3 Kings to show up. The next morning the hay is gone and in it's place presents! I'm on a quest to find a box perfect in size for a baby goat, I just have to figure out how to get the damn thing under my bed.

There will be plenty of merriment, roasted pork, arroz con gandules, a hell of a lot of moonshine and music so loud you can't hear yourself think. But at days end the holidays will be over, officially. Well almost over because on January 7th it's my birthday and no holiday season is complete without celebrating the day of my birth.

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