Tired but a champion

I have been so tired for the last couple weeks. I am not sure why. It could be that I get up at 4 AM every day. It could be that I have been putting in 12 hour days. It could be that I have aged another year. It could be that my cat seems to find it amusing to jump into bed with me and bring along a toy, insisting it's time to play regardless of the ungodly hour. Perhaps it's the insomnia kicking my ass, maybe it's a vitamin deficiency but whatever the reason I am going to

Twenty Eleven

It's hard to believe that I have once again neglected this blog for as long as I have. The time has flown by, I last posted in May. I keep meaning to write but you know how that goes, sometimes life just gets in the way. Spring came and went, summer ended, fall was just a blur and winter is here. 2010 is gone and 2011 has arrived. Damn, I have been gone a long time. ( but I am still looking mighty fine.)

2010:

Thanks to all the people and situations that gave me pain and grief, because of you I am stronger.
Thanks to all who worried about me, because of you I never felt alone.
Thanks to my comadres (Loli and Yogi) because of you I know unconditional true friendship.
Thanks to my family, we are an odd bunch but because of you I know how much I am loved.
Thanks to my mantra "this too shall pass" because of you I kept what little was left of my sanity.
Thanks to my Huckleberries because of you I still feel encouraged to write.
Thanks heartache because of you I am learning to appreciate the little things.
Thanks Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey because of you I gained a few pounds.
Thanks 2010 because of you I am so damn glad it's 2011.

2011:

I promise to work harder at letting the old pain go.
I promise to try and be happier.
I promise to make more time for the "full expression of my personality".
I promise to not let my hair roots show as often.
I promise to comment on you blogs, answer my email and return your calls more consistently.
I promise to stop swearing so much.
I promise to stop skipping meals and exercise more.
I promise to be more positive, more appreciative, and more focused.
I promise to blog more.


It will be a better year, I yelled it from the rooftop, it must be true.

Besos, Es

another bullet post

• My brother's birthday party was fun, he got plenty of fabulous gifts, and groovy memories.
• My shoulder is healing. I have been going to physical therapy 3 times a week. I dare say I am even starting to use my left arm again. I have a whole lot less pain and can now dress myself independently. Feeling pretty good about my progress.
• Sunday around 1:15 am I felt the earth move. My first reaction was "yeah, he rocks my world", followed by "am I dreaming?" which quickly turned into ... no wait I am wide awake and sleeping alone. It took only seconds to realize it was in fact an earth quake. A moderate earth quake of 5.8. The island sustained minimal structural damage, some rock slides, no deaths or injuries reported. It was an odd sensation to feel my bed rocking, and hear things rumbling.
  
• I have decided to get political, after all I am Puerto Rican and politics is sort of our hobby and national pastime. Am starting in my own community. I am now the "water queen". We have private well water services in our community, which serves about 110 families. Being water queen requires meetings with our mayor, environmental services, local electric company and of course, the 110 families we serve. I dubbed myself water queen, because you know, I am all about the power. First Aguas Buenas, then the world. (insert maniacal laugh here)
• It's mango season, and that my little huckleberries is one of the greatest things about living here. I went to a baseball game this weekend in Ponce. I parked in front of a house with a massive mango tree, and there were mangos everywhere. I asked the home owners if I could help myself to some fruit and they said yes, not only yes, but got me some bags, opened their gate and helped me unto the roof of their house where I proceeded to fill two large garbage bags with delicious mangos. I shared some at the ball game but brought plenty back home. I absolutely love mangos!
• OK, that's it. done. be back soon.
  

Hello Blog, are you there? It's me ...

My Dearest Blog,

I know I have neglected you, I mean really neglected you. If you were a living thing, you would most likely be dead by now and I would be planning your funeral. In my defense I should tell you that I have been very ill in recent months. I have been a walking, one arm disease magnet. Tylenol cold and flu are now my best friends. I am taking mega doses of vitamin C and looking into investment options with the Kleenex company. I am happy to report that in the last couple weeks I seem to be on the mend and taking lesser amounts of drugs to combat the evil germs inside me.

I also have not written much because I injured my left shoulder several months ago. I injured it bad enough that the pain was horrific if I moved my arm. So I stopped moving my arm. I really had no need for a left arm anyway. We have all seen those documentaries, people can do wonderful things without the use of a limb, right? Right. I have become very adept at performing all sorts of mundane daily tasks with only one arm. I should have taken pictures to share with you because I am a lovely sight trying to get dressed in the morning. I didn't know I had the physically agility to put my bra on, and pull on shorts with one arm. But oh baby I do, and I did, well I did until the pain in my useless left arm became constant and ran the entire length of my arm, right into my finger tips. My left arm would not be ignored. Damn, I did so try to ignore it. So after my ripped tendon, and adhesive capsulitis were diagnosed. (the frozen shoulder I am sure a result of my refusal to move my left arm for a few months, yeah, I really am a genius.) I have since had a procedure requiring painful needles, and physical therapy. I will continue the physical therapy for a couple more months. Yes, my dear blog, not only have I been germ infested, but I was stupid enough to ignore a torn shoulder tendon and yet I lived to tell my story. Seriously I know it's hard to believe but I am a genius.

I am feeling better, I am no longer the one armed virus germ magnet. (am about an arm and a half right now) The healing started just as you were starting to cough up blood but before you died altogether. Happy days. Please do stay tuned I have some stories to tell and I promise to feed you more often. (yeah yeah I know I've said that before but I mean it this time, I think, no I do really) Until next time...

Besos, Es

And so it begins

Now that Christmas is over, we look towards the New Year. Here on the island we still have the New Years celebration and 3 Kings day before the partying yields back to our routines. But as does most of the planet at this time of year, we look back on the past year and contemplate what the new year holds for us.

I have lived in Puerto Rico for four years now. Four years of tropical island/farm living. Nothing like my past city life. I still look back on my New York and Boston life, and it amazes me that I went from fast paced city career girl to my Boricua roots. Oh, how I still miss my old life, but oh , how I have strongly embraced my island home.

It's been a difficult transition, filled with plenty of loss and turmoil. I am ashamed to admit that I let the difficulties and loss define me, more often than I allowed the beauty and wonder to take hold. I am ashamed to admit that I have hit rock bottom way too often. I am ashamed to admit that there have been moments when I felt I truly understood why some people choose to give up or perhaps even take their own life. Overwhelming sadness, grief and tough decisions can make a person lose sight of all that is good. Loneliness and heartache (although at times self imposed) are not conducive to a good night sleep or a positive attitude or good health. I am ashamed to admit that I said "I hate my life" so often I lost count. I am ashamed to admit I lost sight of living only to bask in ugliness. It was not and hasn't been a good way to live. In fact I only "lived" intermittently.

This last year has been the most difficult. All my psychology training and degrees couldn't pick me up off the floor, not that I tried too hard to get up either. But sometimes as you lay in that bathtub full of life's lemons, enjoying the despair, someone or something reminds you that it's not over yet. The gods remind you that the journey although difficult and dark, still manages to hold some glimmers of light. Some little voice reminds you to look around, to search for the joy because it is still there, you have just forgotten where to look. You have forgotten how to live and living is something I use to do with great abandon, I was damn good at it.

So all that being said my only goal for the New Year is to find some peace. To focus on me because you know when it's all said and done, it's really all about me. right? I am making the choice to focus on the positive and to be thankful. I am so very grateful for so many things. (get ready here come the bullets)

• I live on gorgeous tropical island, whose culture, beaches and food are nothing short of spectacular. How can I not focus on all that beauty? My only real complaint about living here are the countless bad hair days due to the humidity, if that's my major beef I really need to shut up.
  
• I have lost what may have been some of the greatest loves of my life, but as the old saying goes "it is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all" Stupid saying but oh so very true. If I lose sight of all that joy and love, I diminish what was some incredible love.
  
• I am grateful to all of you who read this blog and take the time to comment or email me. Some of you I have met in person, others I only know in cyber-world but all of you have blessed me with your friendship. Many of you shared your wisdom, and personal stories with me, many of you quietly "held my hand". Thank you, I am humbled by your beauty.
• My cousins (not the whole gazillion of you, ha!) but those select few who love me so unconditionally. It's a groovy thing that we have all connected. This generation is setting the bar high for those cousins that follow us. I won't name all of you (it would take too long and this post is long enough already) but you know who you are. I love you and I am grateful.
• Las Comadres! what can I say about you, you take friendship to a whole new level. You understand me, and you still love me, how beautiful is that! You are phenomenal women, 'nuff said.
• My immediate family, you haven't made life easy for me but I regret nada. You have made me stronger, you have never doubted me, you believed when I didn't. I am proud to live up to our family name. You too have set the bar awfully high, but I will never stray from reaching it.

I am a strong, educated woman. I hold the key to my destiny, only I decide what defines me. If I don't enjoy the journey what beauty will the destination hold? As 2010 nears, I choose to live this new life a whole lot better than I did in 2009. And so it begins ... with me ... because my little huckleberries, it's all about me, a better me.

The great outdoors, part 2

Some more vacation pictures: above picture from Zion in Utah, you should really go there.

Zion Narrows, Jenny and I hiked the Narrows for 7 hours, beautiful hike.

The narrows: it's mostly hiking through rock and water.

Jenny

Jenny working her way across the water, to that mud area in the background.

Bryce Canyon, you really should go there too.

Dead tree, crow, Grand Canyon.

As you were, am done for now.

The great outdoors

I took a little vacation, I was gone 12 days. 12 Days where I did nothing but focus on me (and a little bit on my travel companion.) I spent a lot of time listening to my ipod, sleeping long hours, a deep restful sleep, I read, had a manicure and pedicure and I hiked. I went to Arizona and Utah and Nevada. Now I know it was a bit crazy to leave this tropical island paradise for that dry desert heat that numbered in the triple digits every single day I was there but I am crazy that way. Anyone who knows me knows that my greatest joy is being in nature, surrounded by sunlight and walking/hiking.

I came back feeling a little more "together" and a little more focused and a lot more content. I won't go into detail about the couple times I cried or held back tears . The times I longed for things the way they use to be, or even the overwhelming sadness. I will tell you that this trip was a bit cathartic, I purged some negativity, accepted a few things, renewed my spirit and even found time to basked in the familiar.

I hiked the Grand Canyon, Bryce Canyon and Zion, then I topped it off with a side trip to Vegas. I went with my cousin Jenny (she's one of my gazillion cousins). She was the perfect travel partner, smart, witty and yet fully aware of my need to "mend" from the last year, she left me plenty of alone time.

Grand Canyon, absolute splendor.

Me at Bryce, contemplating the end of a 4 hour hike.

Zion Narrows

Grand canyon, Free from worry, I should have taken a leap and clicked my heels together but it was a long way down.

Bryce Canyon

Grand Canyon, dead tree

Working on pushing that damn boulder I've been carrying around away, far away.

Jenny and I, taken by some strange guy that followed us around for a bit.

Jenny after a long day of hiking.

Another dead tree, but it was pretty.

I have many more pictures to share but blogger is giving me a headache and taking way too long to upload pictures so this is the end ... for now.

Slow resurgence

Yeah, yeah, so I claim to be back and then I write nada for several weeks. Damn me. I have many things I want to tell you and many things to write about, a wide variety of topics from politics to life on "the island" to sex but ... most days am too tired to put it all together so again with the bullet post:

• I made it through another Fathers day, did a little pondering at the cemetery, I fucking hate holidays, always have, hate them now more than ever.
• It's mango season soon to become avocado season, am ever so happy about the farm this time of year.
• My mental and physical health really suck but am working on "fixing" both of those.
• The governor of Puerto Rico is Luis Fortuno and he is an absolute idiot who has no idea what the people of Puerto Rico need and want. He (as do many politicians) made promises based on lies which he promptly broke the second he made it into office. He is currently in the USA asking/begging congress to allow a vote for Puerto Rico to vote on a possible vote on our status. Yeah, it makes no sense and it's stupid, a waste of time but he thinks it's important ... more on the politics of my island soon.
• I am completely done with unpacking and organizing, hard to believe it took me 4 years to "settle in".
• My 17 year old brother may be the spawn of Satan when he isn't one of the grooviest teens I know. Teenage drama surrounds him now that he thinks he is madly in love, argghhh.
• Stupid people shouldn't breed, there really should be a law about that.
• Speaking of kids, I hate pregnant women. Yes, you got knocked up but NO you do not deserve special treatment because of it. I took your parking spot, I don't care that it annoyed you, it's a mall courtesy not a law.
• I really need to buy clothes that fit, I hate shopping.
• Looking for a new hair style and hair color, the quest so far sucks.
• Thanks to all of you that keep checking in on me, it's appreciated more than you know.
• My lovely friend Loli had surgery on Monday, heal quickly, love you comadre.

There you have it ... a bunch of randomness. Whats random in your life?

It's been a while

I have been missing for a long, long while from the world of blogging as well as the world at large. Why? well it's a long story, long and convoluted so let me give it to you in bullets :

• I was kidnapped by a chupacabra and only recently managed to escape.
• I have been in such a foul mood that I could only write negative, vile things and frankly even I tired of my "pity parties".
• Petulance (not to be confused with flatulence)
  
• My writing muse took an extended vacation, leaving me high and dry.
• I've been too busy.
• Grief and overwhelming sadness
• health issues, relationship issues, friendship issues, lot's of fucking issues.
• I ran away and married Angelina Jolie Raul Julia Benicio Del Toro and being his sex slave wife leaves no time for blogging.
• Soul searching.
• I had eight babies, and have been avoiding the media circus that surrounds such a blessed event.
• I just needed a break because of my mental break.
  
• Due to my chronic insomnia have been hallucinating too much to write something clever.
• Am so freaking tired, sick and tired.
• Grief ... did I mention grief?
• been training for a triathlon (can't even type that with a straight face.)
• Been traveling the world using my powers for good and not evil.
  
• No time to write, a Nuyorican (aka a Puerto Rican) is headed to the supreme court.
• Procrastination, putting off till mañana what I could have written about today.
• sad, lonely, miserable, too many headaches.
• No internet connection in my padded cell.

There you have it my little huckleberries, reasons why I have been gone, some are true, some are not. Feel free to add your own reasons for my disappearance.

It cost so little and means so much

So I am a "bah humbug" kind of girl. Not sure why because I have fabulous holiday memories. Perhaps it's the commercialism, maybe it's just cynicism. But I was thinking that there are some things I could wish for this Christmas. Things that might make me happy:

• Puerto Rico time to equal my concept of time. If you claim you will be at my house at 9AM then damn it, let it be 9AM. Not 11AM or 2 days later, 9AM! Puerto Ricans are not too concerned with time, bugs the hell out of me.
• Peace on Earth, goodwill to men. 8 full hours of peaceful sleep.
  
• A goat, I would really like a goat. A baby goat.
• A love letter, not the romantic boy/girl kind (although that would be sweet) but the kind that reminds you how fabulous you are and how the decisions and sacrifices of the last 4 years were right even if they cost you a broken heart.
• 3 days alone. All alone, like by myself, just me, not anyone else, get it ... me all about me.
• Running water and electricity for a whole month without interruptions in service. I just want to take a hot shower any fucking time I want with total abandon.
• A chance to make amends.
• Blogger to work right and post pictures where I want them.
  
• A few days in Vegas or a hiking trip.
  
• A few days with old friends. (this doesn't include my up coming Comadres week or cousins reunion)
• This Christmas ornament because it's too fugly not to be cute.
  

• Or this Ornament because, well it's a goat, did I mention I wanted a goat?

• A less tumultuous new year.

What are you wishing for this Christmas?

Beliefs

In the 3 years I have lived in Puerto Rico, I have seen many rainbows, many incredible sunrises and many firefly's. Last night as I watched my cat chase a firefly, the annual Good Friday procession was slowly working it's way up the mountain. There must have been about 50 people, each walking with candles, swaying back and forth, working their way up the mountain to church. It struck me rather funny, that they looked like fireflys (really big ones) in the darkness of the country road.

My isla has been virtually at a stand still this week, in honor of Holy week. (Even my idiot neighbors have been quiet) At night there has been an strange stillness, except for the sound of hymns being sung in the night. Living on this mountain top, in the country, evenings are very dark. Illumination comes from either the moon, or the street lamp outside my house, that only works on some nights. In the darkness, every time I hear the sounds of hymns or chanting going past my house, I have gone outside to watch "the masses" make their way towards the church that sits roughly a mile from my house.

I don't relate to the rituals that encompass so much of the island at this time of year but I do respect and admire the devotion and the celebration that takes place. I don't speak much about religion on this blog. It's such a multi-faceted topic that it would require it's own blog. This week I have quietly watched as those around me celebrate Easter with much religious fervor and I sit quietly, not participating, eating my easter candy.

I was brought up a good Catholic girl. I don't remember when I stopped being a good Catholic girl but I do know I have not participated in any Catholic church for a great many years. In recent years once in while I attend mass, and then quickly regret doing so. The Catholic church and I do not see eye to eye on many things. Sex, abortion, and homosexuality to name just a few. Rather than be hypocritical, I don't go to church. My views on organized religion maybe a tad agnostic and perhaps even a little on the atheist side but I certainly to not hold anything against anyone's right to practice their faith.

I won't go into my disdain or opinion on people who use religion to justify hurting others, or those zealots who think killing for a deity is OK, or even tell you my feelings about Tibet and China. Those thoughts I'll leave for another day. Today the focus is me because well, it's my blog and most things here are always about me. (ha)

This island is primarily Catholic. This week has been filled with rituals. I've watched several of them from my balcony. I've had complete strangers "bless me". I've smiled as many family members question why I don't go to church. I've tried explaining in short simple sentences not because I doubt their intelligence to understand my explanation but because who wants to bring to question someones "god" during holy week? Not I, because even a non believer plays it safe this week.

So what do I believe? I believe in being the best human I can be. I believe in compassion, charity, and unconditional love. I believe in respect for others and the planet, laughter and joy. I believe in not taking life for granted, good, bad, or indifferent, it's the only life we have. I believe in my right choose, and the freedoms I am afforded by living here. I believe there is a lesson to be learned around every corner. I believe that despite any grief, pain or injustice I may have suffered, I am fortunate to be here. And I believe in Easter candy.

Because I know you've been wondering