And so it begins

Now that Christmas is over, we look towards the New Year. Here on the island we still have the New Years celebration and 3 Kings day before the partying yields back to our routines. But as does most of the planet at this time of year, we look back on the past year and contemplate what the new year holds for us.

I have lived in Puerto Rico for four years now. Four years of tropical island/farm living. Nothing like my past city life. I still look back on my New York and Boston life, and it amazes me that I went from fast paced city career girl to my Boricua roots. Oh, how I still miss my old life, but oh , how I have strongly embraced my island home.

It's been a difficult transition, filled with plenty of loss and turmoil. I am ashamed to admit that I let the difficulties and loss define me, more often than I allowed the beauty and wonder to take hold. I am ashamed to admit that I have hit rock bottom way too often. I am ashamed to admit that there have been moments when I felt I truly understood why some people choose to give up or perhaps even take their own life. Overwhelming sadness, grief and tough decisions can make a person lose sight of all that is good. Loneliness and heartache (although at times self imposed) are not conducive to a good night sleep or a positive attitude or good health. I am ashamed to admit that I said "I hate my life" so often I lost count. I am ashamed to admit I lost sight of living only to bask in ugliness. It was not and hasn't been a good way to live. In fact I only "lived" intermittently.

This last year has been the most difficult. All my psychology training and degrees couldn't pick me up off the floor, not that I tried too hard to get up either. But sometimes as you lay in that bathtub full of life's lemons, enjoying the despair, someone or something reminds you that it's not over yet. The gods remind you that the journey although difficult and dark, still manages to hold some glimmers of light. Some little voice reminds you to look around, to search for the joy because it is still there, you have just forgotten where to look. You have forgotten how to live and living is something I use to do with great abandon, I was damn good at it.

So all that being said my only goal for the New Year is to find some peace. To focus on me because you know when it's all said and done, it's really all about me. right? I am making the choice to focus on the positive and to be thankful. I am so very grateful for so many things. (get ready here come the bullets)

• I live on gorgeous tropical island, whose culture, beaches and food are nothing short of spectacular. How can I not focus on all that beauty? My only real complaint about living here are the countless bad hair days due to the humidity, if that's my major beef I really need to shut up.
  
• I have lost what may have been some of the greatest loves of my life, but as the old saying goes "it is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all" Stupid saying but oh so very true. If I lose sight of all that joy and love, I diminish what was some incredible love.
  
• I am grateful to all of you who read this blog and take the time to comment or email me. Some of you I have met in person, others I only know in cyber-world but all of you have blessed me with your friendship. Many of you shared your wisdom, and personal stories with me, many of you quietly "held my hand". Thank you, I am humbled by your beauty.
• My cousins (not the whole gazillion of you, ha!) but those select few who love me so unconditionally. It's a groovy thing that we have all connected. This generation is setting the bar high for those cousins that follow us. I won't name all of you (it would take too long and this post is long enough already) but you know who you are. I love you and I am grateful.
• Las Comadres! what can I say about you, you take friendship to a whole new level. You understand me, and you still love me, how beautiful is that! You are phenomenal women, 'nuff said.
• My immediate family, you haven't made life easy for me but I regret nada. You have made me stronger, you have never doubted me, you believed when I didn't. I am proud to live up to our family name. You too have set the bar awfully high, but I will never stray from reaching it.

I am a strong, educated woman. I hold the key to my destiny, only I decide what defines me. If I don't enjoy the journey what beauty will the destination hold? As 2010 nears, I choose to live this new life a whole lot better than I did in 2009. And so it begins ... with me ... because my little huckleberries, it's all about me, a better me.