Powers that be ...

Dear Universe,

What the fuck is up? Why must you torment me? Can't a girl catch a freaking break? I would like to think that there are perhaps "bigger fish to fry" than little old me. However, you apparently have decided that toying with me is your new hobby. I, on the other hand, am not laughing. I have for the most part, taken my share of bullshit in good stride. Most days I am cheerful, patient, and some might even say I possess a positive attitude. But enough already!

It all started with that horrible cold that lasted a month. Now granted, you perhaps had nothing to do with that directly. But, I am convinced that you must have had a hand in placing that germ laden person in front of me at the check out line, knowing I couldn't escape her fucking germs as she sneezed and cough incessantly while completing her purchases.

Then I had a fight with the neighbors about their gift for playing the loudest fucking Reggaeton this side of the island. Sadly, Reggaeton is not music, it sucks and at decibels that cause my windows to shake, it sucks pond scum. Can't you throw a few lightening bolts their way for a change?

Speaking of noise, isn't there anything you can do about the town crier's ungodly hours? How about the pack of horny dogs that have fornicated outside my bedroom window for the last week. They bark, they fornicate, they fight and repeat this process until I start wishing I had a gun. All I want is a good nights sleep, is that so wrong?

Insanity, I accept that living at the asylum, well, does come with some insanity. It may also include some delusional behavior, hallucinations and the occasional nervous breakdown. But why the fuck must all the patients freak at the same time? Can't you spread this lunacy out a little? How about allowing each patient a day to freak out about every 3-4 months instead of daily?

Farming, I've always been a city girl (growing up in NYC and living in Boston, gives me the right to claim that). I knew moving to the mountains of Puerto Rico would be an adjustment. I am very appreciative of the acres of land I own. The beauty of my surrounding property is unbelievable, I don't take that for granted. I even own a personally inscribed machete, which I use for a plethora of farming activities. But why must all the fucking banana plants need to be harvested at the same time? Do you have any idea how much work it is to harvest bananas? I also did not appreciate my encounter with the biggest damn spider on earth last night. He was so big, he scared me and the cat.

There have been many other countless obstacles you have placed in my path in recent weeks/months. (need I remind you of the cuisinart incident?) So I am asking (on bended knee, if that will help) to please let the fuck up already. I want just one week of nothing. One week to listen to my ipod, get a good nights sleep, enjoy the sunshine, perhaps even finish the book I started 3 months ago. I want a week with no appointments, no fighting, no expectations other than happiness. I want a week where I can catch up with my email and return a few calls to my closest friends. I want a week where I am the focus, where I can make an appointment for a manicure and pedicure, get my hair dyed and perhaps even sit alone to ponder my "whatever" for at least an hour (uninterrupted, of course). I think you owe me that, so pay up, damn it.

In closing, let me just say that last thing you need is a pissed off Puerto Rican with her own machete, living in a place called the Asylum, deciding to get even. Your quick response will be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely, Eslocura