Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Powers that be ...

Dear Universe,

What the fuck is up? Why must you torment me? Can't a girl catch a freaking break? I would like to think that there are perhaps "bigger fish to fry" than little old me. However, you apparently have decided that toying with me is your new hobby. I, on the other hand, am not laughing. I have for the most part, taken my share of bullshit in good stride. Most days I am cheerful, patient, and some might even say I possess a positive attitude. But enough already!

It all started with that horrible cold that lasted a month. Now granted, you perhaps had nothing to do with that directly. But, I am convinced that you must have had a hand in placing that germ laden person in front of me at the check out line, knowing I couldn't escape her fucking germs as she sneezed and cough incessantly while completing her purchases.

Then I had a fight with the neighbors about their gift for playing the loudest fucking Reggaeton this side of the island. Sadly, Reggaeton is not music, it sucks and at decibels that cause my windows to shake, it sucks pond scum. Can't you throw a few lightening bolts their way for a change?

Speaking of noise, isn't there anything you can do about the town crier's ungodly hours? How about the pack of horny dogs that have fornicated outside my bedroom window for the last week. They bark, they fornicate, they fight and repeat this process until I start wishing I had a gun. All I want is a good nights sleep, is that so wrong?

Insanity, I accept that living at the asylum, well, does come with some insanity. It may also include some delusional behavior, hallucinations and the occasional nervous breakdown. But why the fuck must all the patients freak at the same time? Can't you spread this lunacy out a little? How about allowing each patient a day to freak out about every 3-4 months instead of daily?

Farming, I've always been a city girl (growing up in NYC and living in Boston, gives me the right to claim that). I knew moving to the mountains of Puerto Rico would be an adjustment. I am very appreciative of the acres of land I own. The beauty of my surrounding property is unbelievable, I don't take that for granted. I even own a personally inscribed machete, which I use for a plethora of farming activities. But why must all the fucking banana plants need to be harvested at the same time? Do you have any idea how much work it is to harvest bananas? I also did not appreciate my encounter with the biggest damn spider on earth last night. He was so big, he scared me and the cat.

There have been many other countless obstacles you have placed in my path in recent weeks/months. (need I remind you of the cuisinart incident?) So I am asking (on bended knee, if that will help) to please let the fuck up already. I want just one week of nothing. One week to listen to my ipod, get a good nights sleep, enjoy the sunshine, perhaps even finish the book I started 3 months ago. I want a week with no appointments, no fighting, no expectations other than happiness. I want a week where I can catch up with my email and return a few calls to my closest friends. I want a week where I am the focus, where I can make an appointment for a manicure and pedicure, get my hair dyed and perhaps even sit alone to ponder my "whatever" for at least an hour (uninterrupted, of course). I think you owe me that, so pay up, damn it.

In closing, let me just say that last thing you need is a pissed off Puerto Rican with her own machete, living in a place called the Asylum, deciding to get even. Your quick response will be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely, Eslocura

24 comments:

jali said...

Will use my influence to correct the universe's folly. This is unacceptable. Expect results in about a week.

EsLocura said...

Jali, I somehow knew you could be counted on. Thanks, will be coming to your house if things don't work out.

Amadeo said...

I would pitch in to help...but looking at all the crazy people I deal with if I open my mouth I'll probably just bring you more drama.

Anonymous said...

Es L, try to figure out what the universe wants you to do, baby.

Obstacles (especially the tiny, annoying ones) are the best indicators of our path. Sounds like the universe wants you to go somewhere else to get your peace and quiet--maybe a small vacay is in order, my love.

D.C. is nice this time of year.

EsLocura said...

amadeo, maybe we should get my crazy people together with your crazy people and see what happens.

Susan said...

Wow. You have a machete?? You're my hero.

EsLocura said...

Susan, I feel better already, being a hero does that to ya.

EsLocura said...

uno, dos, tres, you are too kind. has spring sprung in DC?

Em said...

You want a whole week of nothing?!?! Pretty heavy request of the universe...but I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

EsLocura said...

em, it is a heavy request but it's the universe, they expect that sort of thing.

Kofi said...

I will put in a call to my "people" for you, es... of course... they were supposed to be helping me out and I'm not seeing any results yet... but every little bit helps, right?

Remember to breathe.

heather said...

not just any machete, but a personalized one! yay eslocura!!

some of the best vacations i've taken lately have been all in my head. i've learned the art of selective hearing. *of course it helps that i'm hearing impaired to begin with, simply removing the hearing aid helps tremendously. lol*

EsLocura said...

kofi, deep breaths, I wonder of my lack of breathing accounts for the headaches... thanks for your help.

EsLocura said...

Heather, perhaps investing in a fake hearing aid will help my cause, just a thought ...

Amadeo said...

Try this...I once had a caseload of 160 people. I cursed the universe many times a day during that period.

EsLocura said...

amadeo, does it matter which curse word I use? I suppose desire or degree of intent make a difference.

heather said...

lol, a fake hearing aid. i like it. :-)

Lee said...

The spider thing is the last straw.

Jay said...

I have been asking the universe the same exact thing.
So far, no answer.

Dagromm said...

Bitch slap the universe for me too. If you get the chance.

fringes said...

Can you try not getting out of bed one day? That works for me.

EsLocura said...

Heather,thought you might like that plan.

Lee, damn right, that spider was huge.

Jay, perhaps we are just not asking the right questions, if I get an answer I'll get back to you. thanks for stopping by the asylum.

Dagromm, consider it done.

Fringes,going to try staying in bed and sealing the doors, taking the phone off the hook and playing dead next.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

What do you do with all the bananas? Too bad about the Cuisinart; they're great in smoothies.

I sure hope things improve there, and while you're at it, could you ask the universe to send some Puerto Rican warmth to freezing San Francisco?

Your quick response will be greatly appreciated.

EsLocura said...

heart, we end up sharing with all the neighbors. will work on the warmth thing but I don't have a great track record with the universe.

 
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