New Beginnings

This year will soon end and another begins. As I have done every year for as long as I can remember I will make time to review the passing year. I will reminisce, contemplate, laugh and no doubt cry. I will check to see what goals I met and which ones I totally ignored. I will read through past journals and wonder if in fact there is "cosmic plan". I'll surprise myself at what I have accomplished and all the things I have survived in the last year. I will count the things I did with great love (even the small things) and will forgive myself for those things or times when ugly thoughts and feelings were the only vibes I gave to everything around me. But it's soon to be a new year and a new beginning.

I am leaving 2008 in perhaps the worse shape ever. This has not been a very good year, not emotionally, not mentally and not physically. I have felt like I was tittering on the edge of very ugly places more times than I have been willing to admit. I have plummeted to some ugly places more times than I have admitted too as well. I loved hard and my heart broke harder. I made some tough decisions and choices, others were made for me as I kicked and screamed refusing to accept what was ultimately inevitable. Yes, there was plenty of despair in 2008, fate was not kind and the gods were not fair.

Not everything was doom and gloom in 2008 (even if it seemed that way to me most of the time). I have many things to be grateful for. I live on a beautiful island, in a beautiful home, on a gorgeous farm. I am blessed (during these trying times) to not have to worry about working or making ends meet. I have an incredible family, a gazillion cousins and friends who love me unconditionally and who have held me up during my worse times. I have been in a position to help those that needed a helping hand and have done so with an open heart, I am grateful they let me into their lives. I am grateful for the insight, support and concern from all you sweet huckleberries. I am grateful that I am still here, battered and bruised but still standing.

My dad use to say as long as you had "hope, faith and love" everything would be alright. In a way it was his holy trinity. It was how he lived his life and what he tried hard to pass onto me. (of course his faith was a lot more Catholic/religion based than mine will ever be but ...) I do have HOPE for a much brighter new year. HOPE that my karma and the cosmic plan will do good by me in the coming year because I do try so hard to do good by it (most of the time). I have FAITH that perhaps this past year was the one where I learned life's hardest lessons and I am a better person because of it. FAITH that I will continue to grow into the person I dream to be. As for LOVE, Yes, I have LOVE because I do, I can, and I was and that makes me very blessed not to mention lucky. So good bye 2008, hello 2009. But please try and be a little more gentle with me this new year. The past year left me a little frayed, OK a lot frayed around the edges but in hindsight frayed could have been worse, I could have been broken but I'm not, and I am still here, able to see a glimmer of new beginnings.

From the Asylum to all of you "Happy New Year", may it be filled health, happiness and beautiful new beginnings.

Besos, Es

Merry

From my padded cell here at the Asylum ... Have a wonderful Holiday.
(wake me when it's over)

It cost so little and means so much

So I am a "bah humbug" kind of girl. Not sure why because I have fabulous holiday memories. Perhaps it's the commercialism, maybe it's just cynicism. But I was thinking that there are some things I could wish for this Christmas. Things that might make me happy:

• Puerto Rico time to equal my concept of time. If you claim you will be at my house at 9AM then damn it, let it be 9AM. Not 11AM or 2 days later, 9AM! Puerto Ricans are not too concerned with time, bugs the hell out of me.
• Peace on Earth, goodwill to men. 8 full hours of peaceful sleep.
  
• A goat, I would really like a goat. A baby goat.
• A love letter, not the romantic boy/girl kind (although that would be sweet) but the kind that reminds you how fabulous you are and how the decisions and sacrifices of the last 4 years were right even if they cost you a broken heart.
• 3 days alone. All alone, like by myself, just me, not anyone else, get it ... me all about me.
• Running water and electricity for a whole month without interruptions in service. I just want to take a hot shower any fucking time I want with total abandon.
• A chance to make amends.
• Blogger to work right and post pictures where I want them.
  
• A few days in Vegas or a hiking trip.
  
• A few days with old friends. (this doesn't include my up coming Comadres week or cousins reunion)
• This Christmas ornament because it's too fugly not to be cute.
  

• Or this Ornament because, well it's a goat, did I mention I wanted a goat?

• A less tumultuous new year.

What are you wishing for this Christmas?

Cat on the loose

Puerto Rico has a panther on the loose. For the last week a panther has been helping himself to livestock on the island. It has been spotted in 3 areas. (Caimito, Rio Piedras, and Monte Hiedra) Our government is devising a plan to catch him. Of course our government also tried to catch the monkeys that were ruining crops and they failed miserably at that. I think they caught one but alas we still have a monkey problem.

I am thinking catching the panther might be a priority since perhaps he might be a more serious problem to humans than the monkeys. No one knows how a panther (not indigenous to the island) got here. The newspaper claims it got here illegally .... duh, ya think? I for one am sure he didn't get here on his own. Let's just hope there's more luck catching the panther than there was catching the monkeys.

Soon to return

Dearest Huckleberries,

I have been so neglectful of the asylum and the 3 or 4 million of you that stop in to visit. I haven't felt much like writing. When I do feel like writing it isn't anything pleasant because ya know my mood tends to be foul of late. And lets face it this blog has been a bit of a downer more times than not lately. So I have chosen to be silent rather then continue my downward spiral at the asylum.

My mood isn't much better but I do so love the asylum and have decided that writing is a joyous thing so am going to focus on a little writing, perhaps some remodeling, this place could use a little paint to freshen it up. Just to get me started back on the right track here are some totally useless things to share with you:

• In recent months I bought fresh blueberries and pomegranates. If you're thinking not a big deal, you would be wrong. It is a big deal when those items are imported to the island. I paid $7 for the the pint of blueberries and $17 for the 6 pomegranates. As with most food items that are imported to this island, you buy them when you see them because you may never see them again. You pay exaggerated prices because that's just the way it goes. So I bought them. The blueberries were used to make pancakes, YUM! Worth every penny. I had not eaten a pomegranate since moving here 4 years ago. I love them. They were the biggest ones I have ever seen and were simply scrumptious. Deliciously sweet, almost decadent and worth every incredibly overpriced cent. It made me happy.
• My house is in the process of getting a makeover, roofs were leaking and now have been sealed, painting is progressing at a snails pace due to the constant daily rain. But damn, it's starting to look fabulous.
• The holiday season is here, Bah fucking Humbug, yeah that's my attitude.
  
• Tuesday (Dec. 9th) would have been my parents 53rd wedding anniversary, breaks my heart, fills it with sorrow. Fuck!
• I have a couple memes to do, have been reading your blogs. (promise to start commenting again this week, well maybe) You huckleberries are a creative bunch and greatly amusing.
• Poi is an interesting character from my neighborhood. I have watched him walk up and down our road for the past 4 years. He is always followed by at least 4 dogs. He is disheveled, very dirty looking and hasn't had a haircut for at least the 4 years that I have watched him. He basically ignores everyone, just wanders around, picking things out of trash cans, followed by his trusty pack of dogs. For 4 years I have gone out of my way to greet him, "hello, good morning, Hi, how are you?, good afternoon". At first he ignored me, then he started sticking his tongue out at me, then a couple weeks ago he said hi back. (Progress, after just 4 years) Now he sometimes blows me kisses or waves first. Last week I found out his story. Poi was once married and had a 5 year old son. He also had his own business. About 6 years ago his little son was killed by a passing car. It left Poi and his wife broken, so broken that they each fell apart. their marriage ended, he lost his business, turned to alcohol and slowly became the "man he is today". He no longer has a family, or a home. He isn't always coherent. He relies on people in our neighborhood to feed him, lives where ever he finds cover, always protected by his dogs. He exist a broken crazy man who now takes the time to wave at me. I wonder where my breaking point is. Do we all have one? That place that is so painful and ugly that we break. Kinda makes me want to stop whining about how much this year sucks the juice of pond scum. Kinda but not yet.
• Speaking of whining, this year really fucking sucks, ton's.
• Despite my obvious misery I am still absolutely in awe of the beauty that is this island. The night sky filled with so many stars it becomes a challenge to find specific constellations because I am so distracted by all the twinkling. The incredible burst of color at almost every sunrise and sometimes sunset. The lush vegetation, the island air. Puerto Rico truly is "la isla del encanto".
• I use to be able to flip back and forth between English and Spanish with ease. Completely fluent in both, translations were a breeze. I can't do that lately. My pronunciation in either language is seriously lacking. I get stuck trying to think of a particular word in either language. I sometimes start off in English and end up in Spanish and don't notice until the clerk gives me that blank "I have no clue what you are talking about" look. It's a little crazy.
  
• Tony, there was a Ramito festival in Caguas this weekend. I didn't go but I would have gone in a heart beat had you been in town.
• I am still at war with my loud neighbors and still have a pigeon problem.
• My brother has a new girlfriend, she sings in the church choir, young love, arrgghh.
• I once again for the gazillion time this year must thank you for the concern. Your short notes, comments and texts have been warmly received even if I haven't acknowledged them. Truth be known every month there seems to be another reason why life sucks, why I am sad and miserable. Every month that goes by I have a better understanding about why some people "break". Every month I am still here grasping at the small things, hoping they are enough to get me through another day. Every Month I realize I still have enough strength and humor to get through one more day. Every month I wonder how helpful sleeping pills or anti-depressants might be. But every so often I think "this too shall pass" and I'll be OK. And life does go on ... only it's different than the life I once loved. But I'll grow to love this one too, only differently. So there you have my last "misery" rant, well maybe not my last. I will be back, with a lot less whining, well maybe not a lot less whining but a better attitude, well maybe not that either but I will be back soon. Promise.

Besos, Es
(feed the turtles, it's my attempt at something joyful)