Stillness

It's that holly jolly, hustle and bustle time of year and I am longing for stillness. That quiet time not invaded by Christmas stuff, the crazed shoppers, the traffic, the multiple lists of things that need to get done.(which I still haven't done but swear I will get done today, OK, maybe not today but eventually.) December seems to be the embodiment of all things not still, not quiet. I've spent the last 2 years running on empty, frazzled, crazed, with little sleep and minimal time alone, minimal stillness. I don't regret this new life, it was the right choice, the only choice, but I can't help but have moments, or even whole days when I lament the passing of my old life. This time of year intensifies my needs, my wants, my desires.

There have been pauses where the world stood still long enough for me to breathe deeply. I regret not having enough of those moments. The kinds of moments where you can clear your mind, perhaps even your heart, and just breathe. Sometimes those moments are quiet reprieves from chaos in the middle of the day. Sometimes they happen minutes before I drift off to sleep. I lay in bed relishing the quiet, the stillness of mind and body, remembering past moments of bliss or imagining new ones. And then the sandman takes over.

A deep breath, basking in sunlight, closing my eyes, laughter, the sound of rain, the purring of my cat while he falls asleep in my lap, my ipod, a full moon or a starry night, long hot showers, stolen seconds of solitude = my stillness.