It's All Relative

I was talking to my cousin Daisy. As always it was a quick catching up session, in between her getting to work and me waiting at the doctors office. While waiting for other things to happen, is when we have time to chat. It was a multi-tasking moment. Later in the day, I got to thinking about the gazillion cousins I have. No, seriously, it's a gazillion. (if you do the math). My dad was one of 16 siblings, my mom one of 8. Some of their siblings had vast amounts of children. By vast, I mean one aunt had 22 kids, another had 24 and yet another had 18. You get the picture ... a gazillion cousins. Most of these aunts and uncles were born in the 1920's/1930's. No one had televisions or radio. (not that they needed T.V., given the number of children they had, we all know how they spent their time) Indoor plumbing and electricity were luxuries few of them knew until much later in life, if at all. Most were illiterate, there wasn't time for school, when the priority was trying to eat and have a roof over your head. There were many multiple births, Lot's of twins, many triplets and one set of quadruplets. You know that "six degrees of separation" Kevin Beacon thing, well here, it is six degrees of me. I have yet to go anywhere on this island where I didn't run into a relative or someone who knows a relative of mine or dated a relative of mine or knows someone who knows someone who is a relative of mine. I can't begin to list all my cousins by name because that would take until the end of time and I have other things to do, like floss, shower, and feed the cat. So in the interest of saving time, I have taken the liberty of putting them into categories.

• The Aberrant: I place the transvestites (sadly good fashion sense isn't genetic), the addicted and the con's into this category. Alcoholism and drug abuse run rampant. Jail time has been served for all sorts of illegal activity, racketeering, jay walking, murder, etc. Also in this group are the cousins that would make Jerry Springer proud.
  
• The Whacked: when Cary Grant said "insanity doesn't run in my family, it gallops" he was talking about my family. We can recite every mental illness and it's symptoms by the age of 5. By age 6 we know where all the closest mental hospitals are located and who has been there as well as how many times. By age 10, we start taking side bets on whose "mind" will go next.
  
• The Talented: There are absolutely incredibly gifted musicians and artists among the cousins. There are a plethora of instruments and voices. Sadly some of these cousins fall into the first 2 categories and never did much with their talent. Others perform where/when they can and make family parties pretty groovy.
  
• The Givers: this is perhaps the largest group. Loyal to family and whatever God they believe in. Unconditionally sacrificing everything for those they love. One particular cousin, is the queen of this group (I mean that figuratively not due to sexual orientation) She is close to 70 and takes care of a very ill husband and mother while making enough time for all her kids/grand kids/great grand kids and every single other living person to cross her path. She brightens my day and always makes me smile.
  
• The Useless: also known as the stupid, these are the cousins that feel the world owes them something. (just because they are stupid, I suppose) They do nothing, go no where, They just take up space, sort of like a chia pet only not as fun. These cousins may swing back and forth between this and the first category.
  
• The Recovering: these cousins are always recovering from something, drugs, alcohol, illness, the plague, life, in grown toenails ... anything and everything, perhaps I should call them the whiners, or maybe I should just meld this group with the useless bunch.
  
• The Exceptions: by far the smallest group, (mostly all females, with a male cousin thrown in for good measure). They have worked hard, are educated, have careers, families ( 3 children or less, they did birth control research). They have retirement funds, own homes, cars and big screen T.V.'s. They are passionate about life. They are the elite group, who have managed to avoid all the other groupings, despite the odds against them.

I think I have everyone covered. If any of my cousins are reading this and think I left you out ... I didn't, trust me, you are in one of those groups. If any of my cousins are offended by my "sorting", HELLO, look around you. Like my dad use to say "I mean no offense, I am just being honest". Belonging to a family this large doesn't come without plenty of baggage but they are my family, the good, the bad, and the ugly (start humming that theme song here). And you know what they say "Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." Our fudge is just a little more chewy ... it's all relative.