Eslocura's Asylum: July 2008

I haven't been here in a while. The last few weeks have moved at a snails pace and often times I have felt I was watching from a distance. Watching from far away but not too far, just far enough to stay engaged yet not let on to how I really feel. Know what I mean? The hives are better, yet the grief is worse. The energy involved in day to day living is exhausting. I'm tired. The insomnia is kicking my ass. If I sleep it's for short spurts. I toss and turn, my mind wanders. I ponder the last 4 months, the last year, the last 4 years and so on until I fall asleep again. Not the flowers in my hair nor my favorite red pants are helping to get me out of this funk.

Ever have one of those moments in life when you question all the whys? Why did he have to die? Why are people so stupid? Why does my cat think he can get his big fat ass into that small round space? Why are the lizards in the back of the house bright green and the ones in the front of the house brownish? Why do I feel so alone lately? Why am I here? Why are life's lessons so fucking hard? Why can't I find shorts I like? Why are my ~~boobs~~ breasts standing between me and that great t shirt that doesn't come in my size because I happen to have ~~boobs~~ breasts.? Why do some women insist on wearing clothes that are 2 sizes too small? Why do these women think they look sexy? Why can't these same women get a fucking pedicure before they squeeze those ugly cracked feet into too small sandals? Why do I find myself weeping at the most inopportune times? Why do I feel I should rant to you about all this shit? Because I am having one of those moments where I question the whys. And I'm miserable and you know what they say, "misery loves company" and I just invited you to my "misery party". Lucky little huckleberries.

My party decor will be brown, I hate the color brown. I'm adding a little splash of some bright cheerful color (like red or purple) because well, I'm miserable not suicidal. There is a guest register, be sure to sign in. Otherwise I may not remember you were here. Misery = forgetful, your mind gets a little cloudy from sadness and lack of sleep. What about misery party food? I'm supplying mangoes and avocados (they are fabulous not miserable) but they are in season right now and I can't give those things away. We'll add a few rotten ones just to take the misery down a notch. We have plenty of bananas as well, take some on your way out. There will be several Jello molds, nothing like 3 or 4 Jello molds to bring a party down. As for beverages ... hell yeah, plenty of that. only the alcoholic kind allowed. Alcohol fuels misery, don't ya know. How about drugs, you ask? Drugs, sure, bring your own. Just keep it on the "low" those are illegal, and I would never do anything illegal. (wink wink, nudge nudge). Party favors? Absolutely! Misery loves presents. Your "Misery party bag" comes in your choice of colors, brown and another shade of brown, both festooned with gravestones and the grim reaper in a glittery beige hue. Copies of Silvia Plath's (aka Victoria Lucas) "The bell jar", and " The Stranger" by Albert Camus will be among the fabulous gifts inside. I'm including some gummy bears and chocolate (because again we are miserable not suicidal) and lastly one of those rubber/plastic bracelets to commemorate the miserable occasion. It will read "Resistance is futile, you will be assimilated" (quote stolen from the Borg). Please feel free to bring me a gift worthy of my sadness. Party on my little huckleberries.

In comments please RSVP and let me know if you are bringing anything or what you're wearing for such an inauspicious occasion.

Things I haven't yet told you about:

We had a presidential primary here. Mr. and Mrs. Obama were here, as were the Clintons. I did not vote. What?! Why?! Because I am not allowed to vote in a presidential election. Our commonwealth status forbids it. So I can vote in a primary but not in the presidential election. WTF. Sorry, I'm an all or nothing kind of girl. That's just how I roll.

It's summer and we are already doing "hurricane prep". Checking lanterns, generators, cutting back any trees that can/may fall on the house, placing extra reading material and board games in easy to find locations, stocking up on candles, water. etc.

Speaking of summer time, I don't care how bad chancletas may be for my feet, I gotta have 'em. Perhaps when I'm old and lamenting my fallen arches, I'll think differently but not now.

I have been nursing a bad case of hives this week. They itch, they look yucky. I have tried all sorts of remedies, so far all I've manage to do is relieve some of the itch. Sucks really.

I'm not sleeping well and continue to vacillate between feeling OK emotionally and being depressed. I guess losing a loved one does that.

I need to buy new clothes. I hate everything I see. I'm not sure when flat chested, anorexic styles came into play but I am neither of those. woe is me.

This article cracks me up. I wonder how different the English speaking me and the Spanish speaking me are. Do we get along? If you met me, which personality would you like more?

I'm still having pigeon problems. We have about 20 baby chicks roaming the land, apparently the roosters have been very busy.

The neighbor's dog is no longer a problem but the neighbors are. They are loud, obnoxious, inconsiderate jerks. They need me to allow the town access to my property so a dead tree, behind their house (which could fall on their house during a storm) can be cut down. Yeah, I am going to do that ... NOT. Sorry, I am not going to play nice. Respect and kindness go a long. Perhaps you should try that and then maybe I'll reciprocate.