bedside
Dearest Huckleberries,
I am currently maintaining a bedside vigil. Just waiting for things to end. We have heard from the doctors that this journey could be over any day. (of course I have heard that since last week.) We wait, and sit and wait. I ponder all the "why is this happening?" and all the "what if's" and all the "then what". I have no answers.
I am frustrated and have many moments of overwhelming grief.
Sometimes we are given a glimmer of hope and then it's quickly taken away. Then we just sit and wait some more. I find I am more quiet now, sometimes just refusing to speak because I fear the wail that might escape my lips before I can stop it. Sometimes I just keep my words to a minimum, idle chit chat at best. Sleep is becoming a distant memory. A wrong number in the middle of the night, makes my body shake uncontrollably and mother fucker has become my choice response.
I am frustrated and have many moments of overwhelming grief.
Sometimes we are given a glimmer of hope and then it's quickly taken away. Then we just sit and wait some more. I find I am more quiet now, sometimes just refusing to speak because I fear the wail that might escape my lips before I can stop it. Sometimes I just keep my words to a minimum, idle chit chat at best. Sleep is becoming a distant memory. A wrong number in the middle of the night, makes my body shake uncontrollably and mother fucker has become my choice response.
I am now entering the numb stage of my emotions but before completely caving in to that desire to feel nada, I want to thank you. Gracias for keeping me company. The warm loving thoughts, the positive energy, the emails, comments, phone calls, and text messages, muchas gracias. I am truly touched by your kindness. You have proven once again that each and every one of you is simply fabulous.
To those of you who are my blog pals, talk about fabulous berries! You crack me up and I do feel the love. I am astounded by the kindness of strangers (let's face it, you are all a bit strange). I am truly grateful for your friendship.
To my comadres del alma, who would have thought that meeting all those years ago in "latino Leaders" would bring us to this sisterhood. Gracias, estaran siempre en mi corazon, las adoro.
To my cousins, Virginia and Aury, coming back from the hospital to a clean house and home cooked meals is a gift. Gracias, I have no idea how I will ever repay all those random acts of kindness you have both constantly given. To Tony and Daisy, what can I say about both of you. You have no idea how much help you have been from far away. I love you.
To the love of my vida (you know who you are) You are constantly picking up the pieces of my broken heart, so unselfishly standing by and loving me unconditionally. Knowing you are standing on the sidelines waiting to catch me, brings me peace.
I look forward to all you hugs and love, to the promises of vodka, and the silly thoughts. I look forward to the positive words, it's what keeps me a little sane right now. I am grateful beyond words.
Besos, Es
To those of you who are my blog pals, talk about fabulous berries! You crack me up and I do feel the love. I am astounded by the kindness of strangers (let's face it, you are all a bit strange). I am truly grateful for your friendship.
To my comadres del alma, who would have thought that meeting all those years ago in "latino Leaders" would bring us to this sisterhood. Gracias, estaran siempre en mi corazon, las adoro.
To my cousins, Virginia and Aury, coming back from the hospital to a clean house and home cooked meals is a gift. Gracias, I have no idea how I will ever repay all those random acts of kindness you have both constantly given. To Tony and Daisy, what can I say about both of you. You have no idea how much help you have been from far away. I love you.
To the love of my vida (you know who you are) You are constantly picking up the pieces of my broken heart, so unselfishly standing by and loving me unconditionally. Knowing you are standing on the sidelines waiting to catch me, brings me peace.
I look forward to all you hugs and love, to the promises of vodka, and the silly thoughts. I look forward to the positive words, it's what keeps me a little sane right now. I am grateful beyond words.
Besos, Es
13 comments:
Thank you for the update and so sorry you are going through this. I'd text you but I think the number I have is wrong... Imagine being the person receiving weird supporting texts. Though that might be a nice random act of kindness! :-) I'm virtually making you meals and cleaning your house. I hope restful sleep comes occasionally.
Paz de Cristo, Es.
You're in my thoughts.
Es, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for finding the time to post this.
(((Hugs)))
Waiting can be so hard. But a sudden ending can also be devastating. There seems to be no "good" way to say goodbye...but the opportunity to at least try is welcomed.
Your heart is much too kind to even thank us-we love you and only wish we could do more during this difficult time> Your pain is my pain....
I haven't stopped sending the positive vibes. Hoping you get some rest and peace whenever you can, as best you can.
I came over here because I though I coudl tempt you to post with the promise of ginger pear vodka - I'm making my own infusions now - and I find this beautiful post.
Please know that I think about you and try to send good vibes to you each day. You are thought of and prayed for and you have vodka and hugs waiting for you when you're ready.
I pray
You're a daisy.
I'm glad you have good support. Hang in there.
Hi Es, I got you a little something. It's over at my blog whenever you want to pick it up.
I'm so sorry for your pain. It's especially cruel when it's dragged out over time, but then that also means more time with your loved one.
Sending the warmest thoughts I have to you and yours.
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