Powers that be ... the end?

Dear Universe,

Again, I must thank you for your quick response. Again, however you didn't exactly give me what I wanted. Did you not read the part in my last post which stated "respond in a more gentle, loving way". Kidney stones ... this was gentle and loving, how? You and I are not on the same page, my friend. Kidney stones! what the fuck!

I woke up on Saturday night with the most horrendous, excruciating pain imaginable. The kind of pain which makes you vomit from the sheer agony. The kind of pain that makes a girl beg to be put out of her misery. The kind of pain that affected my thought process, my ability to speak and even my ability to reason. Did I mention the pain was excruciating, torturous, and agonizing? What the hell have I ever done to you? Granted, I have taken to swearing at you a little, then there was the "machete" threat but really, did any of that warrant kidney stones?

On the up side, the great pain drugs given to me in the emergency room allowed me to sleep for many hours. Pain drugs have the added bonus of not only numbing the pain but the brain as well. I won't go into detail about the emergency room visit but I will tell you that they treated me well and the torturous pain receded back to the depths of hell from whence it came. (before leaving the hospital, I did apologize to all the nurses and doctor's I offended with my bi-lingual swearing and screaming).

Let's try and put any bad blood behind us and work towards a more peaceful co-existence. Forget about the lottery and spa requests. Forget about a whole week of nothingness. I will try and face each day with a better attitude and you try and send a little more peace my way. I'm willing to work with you as long as you lighten up the stress load.

I have always been in awe and wonder at the majesty and splendor that is you. (trying a little ass kissing, can't hurt at this point). Although I don't feel my past requests have been over zealous, I am willing to re-examine my priorities, in return for some less painful attention from you. Don't expect another letter from me any time soon. I will cautiously trust that in the end, you will take care of me, in a much more loving manner than you have in recent weeks.

Sincerely, Eslocura

P.S. Don't misconstrue this more laid back attitude as weakness. The machete is by the nightstand.

Powers that be ... part 2

Dear Universe,

Thank you for your very prompt response to my previous letter. However, you do not play fair. Your response, although quick, was not what I was expecting. I was not at all pleased with the torrential rainstorm that hit the asylum just a mere few hours after my first letter was posted. The rainstorm resulted in loss of power and water here at the Asylum for 28 hours. Did you get that ... 28 hours.

Perhaps you did not take kindly to my previous letter. Perhaps you thought my request was gratuitous. Perhaps you did not like the little naked dance I did on the balcony, while wielding my machete and screaming curse words at the heavens. For whatever reasons, it is apparent I upset you. No power or water for 28 hours.

Your little ploy meant I had no Internet access for 28 hours. What could you have been thinking? No Internet, left me feeling empty and alone, out of contact with the world outside the Asylum. I was experiencing major symptoms of withdrawal prior to the power coming back on. Lack of water meant that I had to use bottled water to brush my teeth, flush the toilet, and shower. Do you have any idea what it's like to shower using gallon jugs of water? trust me, it's not as fun and kinky as it sounds.

The good news is, I did listen to my ipod until the battery died, I did make those phone calls to various friends using my cell phone, until that died and I did have a battery operated lantern to read by, until that died as well. I thank for you allowing me those simple pleasures but I really wish you had gone about it a different way.

I promise to stop swearing at you, (OK, maybe not stop but I will cut down) and I won't do that little naked dance again if you please reconsider my previous request and respond in a more gentle loving manner. Perhaps you can arrange for me to win the lottery or you could make a plane miraculously appear and whisk me away to someplace where I can bask in spa treatments for a few days. These are just suggestions, I am open to other ideas as long as they are pretty much exactly what I wanted in the first place.

In closing, sweet Universe, please understand that I am forever grateful for the life which I have been given. I take nothing for granted. I may be a lot a little crazy but am basically a good person. Thank you again for taking time out of your busy schedule (saving the world must be hard work) to respond to my letter. Next time please try leaving out the power outage and rainstorm with it's resulting chaos.

Sincerely, Eslocura

P.S. Am sharpening my machete, just in case you try that no Internet access shit again.

Powers that be ...

Dear Universe,

What the fuck is up? Why must you torment me? Can't a girl catch a freaking break? I would like to think that there are perhaps "bigger fish to fry" than little old me. However, you apparently have decided that toying with me is your new hobby. I, on the other hand, am not laughing. I have for the most part, taken my share of bullshit in good stride. Most days I am cheerful, patient, and some might even say I possess a positive attitude. But enough already!

It all started with that horrible cold that lasted a month. Now granted, you perhaps had nothing to do with that directly. But, I am convinced that you must have had a hand in placing that germ laden person in front of me at the check out line, knowing I couldn't escape her fucking germs as she sneezed and cough incessantly while completing her purchases.

Then I had a fight with the neighbors about their gift for playing the loudest fucking Reggaeton this side of the island. Sadly, Reggaeton is not music, it sucks and at decibels that cause my windows to shake, it sucks pond scum. Can't you throw a few lightening bolts their way for a change?

Speaking of noise, isn't there anything you can do about the town crier's ungodly hours? How about the pack of horny dogs that have fornicated outside my bedroom window for the last week. They bark, they fornicate, they fight and repeat this process until I start wishing I had a gun. All I want is a good nights sleep, is that so wrong?

Insanity, I accept that living at the asylum, well, does come with some insanity. It may also include some delusional behavior, hallucinations and the occasional nervous breakdown. But why the fuck must all the patients freak at the same time? Can't you spread this lunacy out a little? How about allowing each patient a day to freak out about every 3-4 months instead of daily?

Farming, I've always been a city girl (growing up in NYC and living in Boston, gives me the right to claim that). I knew moving to the mountains of Puerto Rico would be an adjustment. I am very appreciative of the acres of land I own. The beauty of my surrounding property is unbelievable, I don't take that for granted. I even own a personally inscribed machete, which I use for a plethora of farming activities. But why must all the fucking banana plants need to be harvested at the same time? Do you have any idea how much work it is to harvest bananas? I also did not appreciate my encounter with the biggest damn spider on earth last night. He was so big, he scared me and the cat.

There have been many other countless obstacles you have placed in my path in recent weeks/months. (need I remind you of the cuisinart incident?) So I am asking (on bended knee, if that will help) to please let the fuck up already. I want just one week of nothing. One week to listen to my ipod, get a good nights sleep, enjoy the sunshine, perhaps even finish the book I started 3 months ago. I want a week with no appointments, no fighting, no expectations other than happiness. I want a week where I can catch up with my email and return a few calls to my closest friends. I want a week where I am the focus, where I can make an appointment for a manicure and pedicure, get my hair dyed and perhaps even sit alone to ponder my "whatever" for at least an hour (uninterrupted, of course). I think you owe me that, so pay up, damn it.

In closing, let me just say that last thing you need is a pissed off Puerto Rican with her own machete, living in a place called the Asylum, deciding to get even. Your quick response will be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely, Eslocura