Time
It's been a long time since I posted. I haven't really felt like saying much. I'm not socializing, keeping up with my email, or my blog comments, in fact I am not doing much of anything. I am still just struggling to get through each day. I have never been very good at sharing my pain or hurt. (although I am better than I use to be) I have this tendency to isolate myself from life when I can't get things to make sense to me. I go through the motions and do what needs to be done but I do as little as is needed to accomplish the task. I talk when I have to, drive when I have to, yeah, basically I just live because it seems I have to. I have been sick a lot in the last 4 months and still feel a non specific physical malaise. If you look at all the signs (and I have) depression seems to have reared it's ugly head. Anger is way up there as well. Yeah and all those other stages of grief have followed. Having loved ones die sucks the juice of pond scum.My cousin Tony says "time heals nothing, you just have to set your mind at healing and do it". I agree it's all a mind thing, an attitude thing but time does allow you the room to start healing. Time allows you the freedom to ponder, reflect, contemplate where you want to go and even why taking certain paths are the wiser choice. My cousin Olga said that when her sister died (my cousin Gilda) the hardest part was realizing that no one understood the depth of her grief. I find that to be true as well. Everyone around me has also suffered a loss but no one understands the magnitude of my loss. (not that they should). It's one of the many pieces which leads to isolation. I need to be alone with my pain because no one feels it like I do, no one lived it like I did or have. I have felt so broken in the last 4 months that I was surprised everyday that I bothered to wake up and get out of bed. Sadly many days I wished I hadn't bothered to get up.
Many years ago I read a quote that I have always held close because it somehow matched how I felt I lived my life. I can't remember who said it ( I could look it up but why bother) it read " When you come to the end of all the light you have known and are about to step into the darkness of the unknown. Faith is knowing that one of two things will happen. There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught how to fly". Through all the trials and tribulations of my life I have found I've always had something solid to stand on. Right now, at this moment in my life I am hoping to learn to fly.
Which brings me back to time ... time is slowly teaching me to fly. I am doing better, each day feels lighter. Each day sucks a little less then the day before. That's progress. I still don't feel physically well but I am sleeping better and that helps. I have managed to go shopping and buy clothes that fit. It's rather surprising how much weight I have lost in four months. Then again maybe it's just as surprising how much I had gained prior to the last 4 months. Either way, I now have pants/shorts that fit and people are constantly commenting about how skinny I have gotten. Time allowed me to realize that losing weight was a good thing, how I went about losing weight was a bad thing.
I am doing better. I need to make some life decisions, find a new direction. I am mentally making note of things I need to do and how it will affect those around me. I've been keeping up with the news. Although I am a U.S. citizen, I am not a resident of the U.S. so I can't vote in presidential elections. If I could vote I would not be voting for the duo that insults my intelligence and stands for taking away my freedom of choice. My body, my choice, 'nuff said. We haven't been in a hurricane's direct path (like in Haiti or Cuba) but the extreme weather did cause us to lose power and water for 5 days. I don't really give a shit about Lesley Lohan and her sexuality. Nor do I care much about who is currently entering rehab and why. I do care that Lawrence Fishburn is joining the cast of CSI.
Time doesn't heal but it compliments the healing process. It's been a slow process and I don't really feel much like "me" right now but I can sense that I am still here, just a little more convoluted then I use to be. I still feel hurt but not as broken. I still want to sleep the day away but not as often. I still want to isolate myself but am starting to miss my family and friends. I still don't feel well but sleeping normal hours and eating daily meals are happening more often. I don't feel like I have something solid to stand on but with time on my side I am learning to fly.
Finally (yeah, bet you thought this post was never gonna end) I must thank each and everyone one of you (again and again) for the emails, comments, texts, phone calls, threats, bribery, and positive energy sent my way. I may be depressed but I never lose sight of the love. Muchas gracias from the bottom of my convoluted corazon. I hope to be back posting more often after a couple more flying lessons.
16 comments:
Aw, so glad you posted. I completely understand you. And I'm so glad it's getting better, bit by bit. The world, whatever it my be for you, is out there waiting for you. Love, NoR
I love that quote. I'm keeping it for my bad days.
"I do care that Lawrence Fishburn is joining the cast of CSI."
Me too, honey, me too.
I can't feel your pain but I know exactly how that pain can almost break your soul.I have been there too. He knows your sadness and is hoping you can kick ass and come out laughing once again.You will miss him forever but his laughter will carry on in your heart for a lifetime & that alone should motivate you to "smile"
Nor, thanks for always checking up on me, you are the berries (huckleberry that is)
Susan, don't ya just wish we could call each other to come on over and watch Mr. Fishburn together? damn, I do.
Spunky, love ya 'nuff said. : )
You've missed me talking about flying to your part of the world. Sometimes a gal needs to get away.
thanks for checking in with us. you're missed and thought of often.
There's one kind of sadness which comes from not being able to be with one you love because that person is no longer there; and we all experience that at one time or another. But there's another unfathomable sadness which comes from not being able to be with one you love when that person withdraws from you, but you know she's there. . .somewhere. We need you.
I'm still recommending the movie, "Life as a House." Let me know what you think of it.
And I just want to say that was a perfect choice of a picture to go with the post.
great to hear from you, as always.
I was getting worried...glad you posted. Keep your head up Es (yeah that's hard coming from one depressed person to another)...Faith is key...you wouldn't be brought TO it if you will not also be brought THROUGH it. Just believe.
And remember...in just 2 days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
Besos!
Beautifully rendered! I love that quote too, and I'm praying for your ability to fly.
I cried reading this. Sitting with grief and getting up each day are HARD, and you capture in this piece just how difficult it can be.
But the grace that exudes from you here is powerful, too, and it is that grace and the gift of time that will allow the healing to go deep.
So many people skip this process you describe and later it catches up with them.
You are well on your way to flying.
Love.
Susan, come on down or is it up? well whatever, you know how to reach me.
Heather, thank you for always checking in on me.
Lit, will be checking it out "life as a house" as soon as I can figure out how to get it or where to find it. thanks for all your kind words.
Nor, gracias
Kofi, ditto
Tera, you still crack me up, besos back at ya!
She, you are way too kind and it fills my heart thank you.
You always could fly. It just wasn't necessary before.
The fact that nobody shares your pain is only evidence that of everyone on earth, you were closest to your father. And as horrible and endless as your suffering is, at least he was spared the sorrow of losing you as there can't be anything worse than outliving your own child. You are bearing this pain for him, if that makes sense.
I hope very much that healing comes to you soon, and a measure of peace so that you can begin to relive all the years of joy you shared with him in a calm happiness without being sliced to ribbons by every memory.
Sending many hugs your way, my friend. You are loved.
hearts, you are sweet. and I am grateful for your friendship. (and btw, I wear my pig shirt to bed, it makes me smile.)
That makes me smile, too. I'm glad to know you as well.
Sweet dreams.
Essie, so sorry for all the sorrow you are having to endure. I am with you in thought and extend love to you.
I feel bonded to you to think that you are also attracted to Dali's "the persistence of time". Yep, Essie, we do have something in common.
Since I was in high school, I have felt a strange attraction to this very surreal image of melting clocks. Many years later, I can still, on occasion, ponder this strange painting for a good stretch of time, sometimes without thinking a thought...if that can be considered pondering. Was Dali unwittingly predicting the future? He calls his painting the persistence of time, but perhaps it should be called the melting of time, not of clocks.
Hundreds of years ago, the Mayans predicted 12.21.2012 at 11:11 in the morning as the end of time. Could this be the way that clocks will appear on 12.22.2012 the day after the "end of time" ?
It is said that the Mayan calendar is more perfect than our Gregorian calendar, so who knows?
Thank you for placing this image in front of me to ponder again.
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