Dear Huckleberries
Dearest Huckleberries,
This horrible journey continues. This week we were faced with more internal bleeding and the need for yet another pint of blood. The double pneumonia is worse. There is an infection just about every where, and the body just keeps laboring on. Almost on a daily basis the doctors remind us that "today could be the day, the end". Every day we wait and watch someone we adore slowly die.
Almost every day I am faced with more decisions that need to be made, and more papers to sign. And every night as I say goodnight, I wonder if this is last time I'll witness the labored breathing, if while I lay sleepless and crying in bed the phone will ring and it will be "the call". Everyday I wonder if I'll make it through the day without wailing like a banshee. Everyday I wonder why. Everyday I wonder how much stronger I can or need to be.
I stand strong and silent most of the time. I understand that I set the mood for all the other family members. If I fall apart so shall they. I am most impressive when dealing with doctors and having to explain to the rest of the family what is happening. I am concise, keeping my words simple and I have mastered my "poker face". Alone in bed or in the shower it's my chance to whimper. I find I also cry at the strangest times. Like when asked "would you like fries with that?", or when a nurse recently said "what a lovely t shirt", or the morning the mechanic asked me to sign my bill, and of course the day the sales clerk asked if he could help, I whimpered and just walked away.
I am tired. Tired emotionally and physically. I want to sleep for hours, that deep undisturbed sleep. I am tired of forcing myself to eat at least one meal a day. I have lost 18 pounds. I am tired of being strong. I am tired of driving. I am tired of hearing about God and her abilities to heal, decide ones fate and of the comfort I should be feeling if I focus on God. I am tired. Tired.
On a brighter note, I have at long last been given the "balls of steel" I have been looking for. The lovely WNG as awarded me some. I am going to carry those around proudly today, gracias you made me chuckle which beats the hell of of whimpering.
Lastly, thank you (again and again) for all the love and kindness. I am humbled by how you manage to consistently check up on me, thank you for taking the time to be here.
Besos, Es
Almost every day I am faced with more decisions that need to be made, and more papers to sign. And every night as I say goodnight, I wonder if this is last time I'll witness the labored breathing, if while I lay sleepless and crying in bed the phone will ring and it will be "the call". Everyday I wonder if I'll make it through the day without wailing like a banshee. Everyday I wonder why. Everyday I wonder how much stronger I can or need to be.
I stand strong and silent most of the time. I understand that I set the mood for all the other family members. If I fall apart so shall they. I am most impressive when dealing with doctors and having to explain to the rest of the family what is happening. I am concise, keeping my words simple and I have mastered my "poker face". Alone in bed or in the shower it's my chance to whimper. I find I also cry at the strangest times. Like when asked "would you like fries with that?", or when a nurse recently said "what a lovely t shirt", or the morning the mechanic asked me to sign my bill, and of course the day the sales clerk asked if he could help, I whimpered and just walked away.
I am tired. Tired emotionally and physically. I want to sleep for hours, that deep undisturbed sleep. I am tired of forcing myself to eat at least one meal a day. I have lost 18 pounds. I am tired of being strong. I am tired of driving. I am tired of hearing about God and her abilities to heal, decide ones fate and of the comfort I should be feeling if I focus on God. I am tired. Tired.
On a brighter note, I have at long last been given the "balls of steel" I have been looking for. The lovely WNG as awarded me some. I am going to carry those around proudly today, gracias you made me chuckle which beats the hell of of whimpering.Lastly, thank you (again and again) for all the love and kindness. I am humbled by how you manage to consistently check up on me, thank you for taking the time to be here.
Besos, Es
12 comments:
and we wait to hear from you, to hear about his condition and suffer your pain just the same. Hang in there.
{hug}
Here, as always, if you need me. You're in my thoughts.
The hardest thing is trying to live a 'normal' life while something like that is going on. The tears do need to come out, and I'm glad they are. It's a heavy burden, but please take care. Not a good way to lose weight.
{Big hug} i'm praying for your balls to remain steeled as you face this.
It can be straining being that person. My family has alot of them, but I was amazed by my aunt...as she was dying (she was a Nurse) she was the strong one. She explained alot to us and made decisions. I can't imagine being in the hospital and everyone is frantic, yet you understand all of the terminology so you understand exactly what's happening. To add to the whole situation...she worked at so many hospitals that some of the doctors and nurses there knew her. She inspired the hell out of me.
You are so loved by your internet family because of your sweetness and humor, your intelligence and your appreciation of the smallest things, so no, don't be humbled by the love. You are deserving of every bit shown you, and much, much more.
Sending a big hug.
Those balls of steel definitely belong on you, Girl.
Sending more hugs. You are so very strong, but it's sad that you have to be.
I know that your presence is a huge comfort to your entire family.
Hang in there Es...I'm sure you can do it like no one else can.
((HUGS))
I forgot to comment on the balls in colorful sacs!!! Nice!
As time goes on, which color do the balls turn? Hope you are taking care of yourself.
Sending you love and whatever you need. You are being held up by all our good thoughts and wishes, and you are missed.
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