Asylum tour

Sleep - those little slices of death, how I loathe them. ~Edgar Allen Poe

Mr. Sandman and I have never had a good relationship. Sleep and I have never been very good friends. For as long as I can remember a good nights sleep is a rare occurrence. I am a restless sleeper. I have very vivid dreams. Nightmares are frequent and insomnia plagues me more often then should be allowed. I have a reoccurring nightmare of a man lurking in the shadows, I never see his face and there is never any contact but the ominous feeling of doom is always prevalent. That feeling of uneasiness and lingering memory sometimes follows me throughout the day. Last night I had that nightmare, this morning I feel tired and aloof. I can relate this nightmare to something that happened when I was 7.

We lived in Brooklyn on Vernon Street, in a tenement building that was 6 stories high and had 4 apartments on each floor. There were no elevators, you walked up the stairs. Behind the first landing of the stairs was a dark alcove. It was sort of a dark corner behind the stairs, against a back wall, there were no apartments near that corner. A long hallway lead from the entrance to our building to the back where the stairs were located. We lived on the fourth floor.

I remember it was warm and sunny, I had been outside playing. At some point I decided to go home and have water. I walked inside and headed to the stairs. I heard a small noise, it sounded like an animal, perhaps a puppy. I slowly peeked around the banister to the dark corner behind the stairs and in a flash, but what now in my minds eye appears to have happened in slow motion, a man grabbed me. I remember my feet in the air, his breath on my neck his hand over my mouth and still to this day I swear I can sometimes remember the sound of his whisper. "don't scream, I'll kill you". As I type this, I feel anxious, strange how a memory of so long ago can still cause an obvious physical reaction.

As I was being carried down the long hallway leading to the front door of the building, the man who lived in the apartment closest to the front door was leaving for work. I was friends with his daughter. When he saw me being carried off by someone not my father he said something, I don't recall what. He ran towards the man who attempted to push past him, with me still in his arms. In the scuffle/chaos that ensued, I was dropped on the floor and the man fled out the front door. I got up and ran as fast as I could to our apartment, followed the whole time by my neighbor. I am sure I made it to our fourth floor apartment in record time.

Two days later, the news carried reports of a 6 year abducted and killed. She lived in the building next door to mine. We use to play together. We were on rival double dutch teams. I don't recall how I reacted to the news but I remember my parents crying. I also remember that I never again walked in and out of that building alone. Shortly after, perhaps months later we moved to Euclid Avenue.

There is no doubt my nightmare of the man in the shadows is somehow related to that one day back on Vernon Street. Until last night I had not had this nightmare in a very long time, maybe even a couple years. I'm not sure what precipitated it's return. Perhaps just my recent bout with insomnia, perhaps stress, perhaps I spent way to much time before bed pondering the ways of the planet, or maybe it was just the bowl of ramen noodles I had before bed.

Knowledge is Power

Breast cancer is a topic I have first hand experience with. My sidebar has that pink button, placed there as a reminder that breast cancer can touch our lives at any time. "Why Mommy" over at Toddler Planet has been diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer. Bet you never heard of it. Bet you thought breast cancer only happened with lumps. WRONG. Inflammatory breast cancer (IBC) Go and educate yourself here and here. It's fast and furious and sneaky. Go visit Why Mommy over at her site. With great courage she is kicking ass and sharing her journey. Show her some love, say a few prayers, let her know she isn't alone and above all share the knowledge because if while battling inflammatory breast cancer Why Mommy is blogging to share and educate, the least you can do is spread the word to everyone you know.

Simple pleasures and gratefulness

I have been trying to make nice with the universe lately. I haven't gone off on a rant, my swearing is minimal, and I've been thinking a lot about pleasure. It's been a difficult and emotional time the last few months. I have felt torn about my priorities and where my loyalties should be. I have repeatedly had to deal with familia stuff, and the fucking idiot rude neighbors next door among other things. So this week I am trying to spend a little time focusing on pleasure, things that I enjoy, things that make me happy. I'm trying to release the bile that sometimes makes me feel completely toxic. Ahh pleasure, things that please, the things that have helped to keep me a little bit sane, and helped wash away some of that iniquitous bullshit that at times makes me a not so happy person.

• The beach: I have laid in the sun, enjoyed the warmness of the Caribbean sea. Eaten seafood fritters and had several ice cold beers. Stepped on a dead sea urchin, got sand in some not so pleasant places but it was all good. Sun worshiping pleasure.
  
• The Finca: my farm, sometimes I whine about the work involved in keeping this place thriving but when we bring in our crops, prideful sweetness. From the bananas to the panas, to the avocados, the pineapples, the acerolas, delicious pleasure.
• Music: my iPod is my savior. I can flip from salsa to hip hop to the blues in moments. Prince's Planet Earth is presently bringing me pleasure.
• The beast of Bayamoncito: my cat, there is something seriously wrong with his circuits but damn he cracks me up. Pleasurable furriness.
• My cousins: Jose, for always coming to work when I need help. Aury, because she loves and hugs so unconditionally, Tony, he never fails to call. Daisy, Nancy and Olga because my childhood memories are filled with their joy and my adult life is blessed because we are family. Related pleasures.
  
• Las Comadres: Loli and Yolanda, not a day goes by when I don't have your words of love and support echo in my head. Friendship pleasures.
  
• T: Absolute goodness in one very far away package. Loving Pleasure.
• Blog readers/writers: you make me laugh, you encourage my writing, your talents are vast, the community impressive. Creative pleasures.

What brings you pleasure lately? What are you grateful for? What adds a little bit of sweetness to your bad day? Go ahead tell me, I need a little vicarious pleasure.