Eslocura's Asylum

Ho Ho Ho

2011-12-25T19:08:00.006-04:00

It's hard to believe that it's been almost a whole year since last I posted something here at the asylum. I will not bother to tell why I haven't been in touch, nor will I bore you with promises to keep in touch. I just want you to know that I am thinking of you. I may be back next year, and then again I may not. But For tonight lets just pretend we never broke up, and that all is right in our world, that I never stopped talking to you, that I have been sharing tales of all my adventures, that I told you all about my heartache, that we held hands and cried while missing loved ones, that we shared many laughs and giggles, had one too many drinks and most of all lets pretend I didn't stop writing. And while I ponder coming back or not ... Merry Christmas.

And to "Mr. Chibby" Hope you are well, think of you often, Thanks for always checking in, Besos

Happy Trails to all of you, until we meet again ... maybe.

Tired but a champion

2011-01-21T06:21:00.005-04:00

I have been so tired for the last couple weeks. I am not sure why. It could be that I get up at 4 AM every day. It could be that I have been putting in 12 hour days. It could be that I have aged another year. It could be that my cat seems to find it amusing to jump into bed with me and bring along a toy, insisting it's time to play regardless of the ungodly hour. Perhaps it's the insomnia kicking my ass, maybe it's a vitamin deficiency but whatever the reason I am going to

Anniversary of the day of my birth

2011-01-07T04:15:00.003-04:00

7 things about me:

My favorite flower: Dahlias
My favorite colors: green, purple, and black.
My favorite fruit: mango, strawberries, papaya (not too ripe).
My favorite beverage: coffee and champagne (but not together).
My favorite books: " A prayer for Owen Meany"by John Irving and "Down these mean streets" by Peri Thomas.
My favorite music: way too many to mention, depends on mood, time, and activity.
My favorite activity: hiking and lounging on the beach.

Twenty Eleven

2011-01-03T19:33:00.000-04:00

It's hard to believe that I have once again neglected this blog for as long as I have. The time has flown by, I last posted in May. I keep meaning to write but you know how that goes, sometimes life just gets in the way. Spring came and went, summer ended, fall was just a blur and winter is here. 2010 is gone and 2011 has arrived. Damn, I have been gone a long time. ( but I am still looking mighty fine.)

2010:

Thanks to all the people and situations that gave me pain and grief, because of you I am stronger.
Thanks to all who worried about me, because of you I never felt alone.
Thanks to my comadres (Loli and Yogi) because of you I know unconditional true friendship.
Thanks to my family, we are an odd bunch but because of you I know how much I am loved.
Thanks to my mantra "this too shall pass" because of you I kept what little was left of my sanity.
Thanks to my Huckleberries because of you I still feel encouraged to write.
Thanks heartache because of you I am learning to appreciate the little things.
Thanks Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey because of you I gained a few pounds.
Thanks 2010 because of you I am so damn glad it's 2011.

2011:

I promise to work harder at letting the old pain go.
I promise to try and be happier.
I promise to make more time for the "full expression of my personality".
I promise to not let my hair roots show as often.
I promise to comment on you blogs, answer my email and return your calls more consistently.
~~I promise to stop swearing so much.~~
I promise to stop skipping meals and exercise more.
I promise to be more positive, more appreciative, and more focused.
I promise to blog more.

It will be a better year, I yelled it from the rooftop, it must be true.

Besos, Es

another bullet post

2010-05-17T17:46:00.006-04:00

My brother's birthday party was fun, he got plenty of fabulous gifts, and groovy memories.
My shoulder is healing. I have been going to physical therapy 3 times a week. I dare say I am even starting to use my left arm again. I have a whole lot less pain and can now dress myself independently. Feeling pretty good about my progress.
Sunday around 1:15 am I felt the earth move. My first reaction was "yeah, he rocks my world", followed by "am I dreaming?" which quickly turned into ... no wait I am wide awake and sleeping alone. It took only seconds to realize it was in fact an earth quake. A moderate earth quake of 5.8. The island sustained minimal structural damage, some rock slides, no deaths or injuries reported. It was an odd sensation to feel my bed rocking, and hear things rumbling.
I have decided to get political, after all I am Puerto Rican and politics is sort of our hobby and national pastime. Am starting in my own community. I am now the "water queen". We have private well water services in our community, which serves about 110 families. Being water queen requires meetings with our mayor, environmental services, local electric company and of course, the 110 families we serve. I dubbed myself water queen, because you know, I am all about the power. First Aguas Buenas, then the world. (insert maniacal laugh here)
It's mango season, and that my little huckleberries is one of the greatest things about living here. I went to a baseball game this weekend in Ponce. I parked in front of a house with a massive mango tree, and there were mangos everywhere. I asked the home owners if I could help myself to some fruit and they said yes, not only yes, but got me some bags, opened their gate and helped me unto the roof of their house where I proceeded to fill two large garbage bags with delicious mangos. I shared some at the ball game but brought plenty back home. I absolutely love mangos!
OK, that's it. done. be back soon.

I love you

2010-04-24T05:08:00.002-04:00

Dearest Albert,

We met when you were 2 years old. I still shudder when I think about how sad, frightening and painful the first 2 years of your life had been. I hope you always remember as terrible as those years may have been, those bad things do not define the man you are. They are just there to reinforce the strength of the man you are becoming. But that was then and this is now. Today is April 24th, the day you have been counting down for an entire year, your 18th birthday ( Yeah, yeah I bought you that new car... NOT!) In your honor, I am sharing some sisterly wisdom and some memories of our life together. These pictures remind me of all the reasons why I love you.

The above picture was our first trip to Puerto Rico, I think you were 4. You carried 11 coconuts up that hill, I don't know why but you were determined. Don't be a quitter. Follow through with things. Determination is a great quality to have.

Our first trip to Disney World, you were 5, maybe 6. You walked around with that autograph book and had everyone sign it. You were fearless. Everything made you laugh. There was magic in everything. Keep your inner child happy, it will keep the adult in you healthy.

Last year, the family Caribbean cruise. You love a good laugh. We share lots of laughter. You have a great sense of humor, remember to use that when times get tough. Don't lose the laughter.

You and dad, in Puerto Rico, besides your love of carrying coconuts, I discovered your love of the beach and the ocean this trip. You were carefree, unafraid and learned to swim on your own. You have become an impressive athlete. You play baseball, basketball, volleyball, and run like the wind. Stay active, you've got an awesome body now but someday 18 will be a memory and 60 will knocking at your door.

This was about 3 years ago, you and Papa. You are so compassionate. You were so wonderful to him. It made my heart soar when ever I watched you interact with him. Always be compassionate, remember to be kind to those less fortunate. Remember to always make time to help others, it is one of life's wonderful rewards. It takes so little and means so much, I know it sounds corny but it's true.

You and Mama during the family cruise. You have an innate ability to make everyone love you. It's an incredible skill to be able to relate to all kinds of peoples, from all walks of life. On the last day of the cruise you were surrounded by people you had met along the week. Someone asked us if you were famous because of the commotion. You always make a lasting impression. Don't abuse that skill. Use it for good and not evil.

You were once an alter boy. That's you, up front and center. We have had many discussions about religion. It's a wonderful thing that you believe in God. We couldn't be further apart in our beliefs but you have always shown me respect even in light of those differences. Respect others beliefs in the same way that you respect mine. Always respect the differences in people. Respect is essential in life.

This is you on drugs. Not that you do drugs, but if you did, this would be you. DON'T DO DRUGS! You don't ever want to be this ugly. And if I find out you are doing drugs, I will kick your ass, and you know that I can. 'nuff said.

You and your cousin Edwin. Family and friends are important. Be loyal to them. Be true to your word. Always make time for them. Always be sincere. Remember forgiveness is important in all relationships. ( I forgive you for wearing those white crocs)

You were 16 in this picture, looking cool, and it cracks me up that you made sure to match your clothes to your vehicle. You love clothes and shoes, in fact your love of shoes rivals my own. Always take pride in yourself. Always be kind to yourself. Always keep your priorities in check.

You and Dilmaris, your girlfriend. Your first love. This past year has been filled with drama in the relationship department as the two of you learn the in's and out's of this whole love thing. Respect and trust the women you have relationships with. Be honest, be romantic, and practice safe sex. ALWAYS. Remember that an unwanted/unplanned pregnancy will change your life forever and more than likely in negative ways. Besides the pregnancy thing, there are bad, nasty diseases which will attach themselves to your penis and never let go. Safe sex ... wear a condom, other wise your penis will exhibit nasty, gross sores and warts and it will shrivel up and fall off, trust me, I wouldn't lie to you.

17, healthy, strong, great smile, wonderful personality, bad temper. You worse fault is your bad temper. Learn to control it. It will ruin your life. Not everything is worth freaking out about. Not everything is life or death. Anger can be a good thing, healthy even but not if it seriously injures those you love. Learn to express your anger in healthier ways, you will be better for it.

Your first school picture. You are beautiful in many ways. Inside and out. I love you dear brother, siempre, sin condiciones. Happy Birthday, looking forward to seeing your future unfold.

Besos, Es

Puerto Rican tales

2010-04-21T17:53:00.001-04:00

I was born in Puerto Rico. I am a United States citizen, everyone born on the island is, it's one of the benefits of my island being a colony of the USA. When I first moved back to mi isla I had reason to obtain a copy of my birth certificate. It seems here on the island we need a birth certificate to do a whole bunch of things including opening a bank account. To get a copy of my birth certificate I had to stand on huge lines, show 62 pieces of identification, fill out a very long application form and pay a $20 fee. Imagine my surprise when recently our government informed it's people that as of July 1st, all our birth certificates will be null and void. Yes, my old birth certificate will no longer be valid and I must apply for a new one. WTF.

Due to the current craziness in global immigration issues, Puerto Rican birth certificates reportedly account for 40% of passport and identification fraud. Nefarious people are willing to pay upwards of $10,000 for one. OK maybe they aren't all nefarious, perhaps some are just illegal aliens looking to score naturalized citizenship but whatever the reason, as of July 1st, I must go back into ~~the depths of hell~~ my local demographics office and obtain a new certificate.

There will be millions of Boricuas here on the island and in the United States trying to replace their useless birth certificate for a new one. There has been no news as to how the new certificate will be enhanced to prevent identity theft and no news as to what will prevent me from selling the new one for a quick $10,000. In the mean time I currently have not one but two legal copies of my birth certificate up for grabs. I will only entertain serious offers, cash only, throw in a pair of Manolo Blahniks and you win. Please hurry July 1st is quickly approaching.

In other Puerto Rican news fronts, it appears Republicans are throwing around the name of our governor Luis Fortuño as possible vice presidential material. (Seriously, lets all pause for a moment while I stop laughing) I am absolutely a proud Boricua, I love my island, it's people and my culture. I also come from a long line of politically active family. But Luis Fortuño for vice president? The man is a complete moron. An elitist with little regard for the islands people whose main concern is his own political life and agenda. Perhaps that is exactly what qualifies him as Republican vice president material pero no puede ser. Seriously, I don't think it will ever happen, it's just talk, even just rumor. I shall be having nightmares for at least a month now. Damn those political rumor mills to hell.

The Department of Natural and Environmental Resources has informed us that Lionfish have invaded the northern coast of Puerto Rico. The troublesome invasion of these beautiful yet dangerous fish are threatening our native reefs. The speed at which the Lionfish reproduces as well as it massive appetite could spell disaster for our northern coast. Environmental Resources is pursuing ways to get this problem under control by posting a hot line phone number for Lionfish sightings and offering fishermen $2 or $3 a piece for species turned over to them. I wonder if Lionfish born in Puerto Rico need to apply for the new birth certificate? Perhaps we can ask our governor to jump in to the waters off the northern coast and pet a few. Can Lionfish count as constituents?

In news closer to my corazon, my little brother turns 18 on Saturday. Be still my heart, more on that monumental occasion to come.

Hello Blog, are you there? It's me ...

2010-04-18T16:17:00.008-04:00

My Dearest Blog,

I know I have neglected you, I mean really neglected you. If you were a living thing, you would most likely be dead by now and I would be planning your funeral. In my defense I should tell you that I have been very ill in recent months. I have been a walking, one arm disease magnet. Tylenol cold and flu are now my best friends. I am taking mega doses of vitamin C and looking into investment options with the Kleenex company. I am happy to report that in the last couple weeks I seem to be on the mend and taking lesser amounts of drugs to combat the evil germs inside me.

I also have not written much because I injured my left shoulder several months ago. I injured it bad enough that the pain was horrific if I moved my arm. So I stopped moving my arm. I really had no need for a left arm anyway. We have all seen those documentaries, people can do wonderful things without the use of a limb, right? Right. I have become very adept at performing all sorts of mundane daily tasks with only one arm. I should have taken pictures to share with you because I am a lovely sight trying to get dressed in the morning. I didn't know I had the physically agility to put my bra on, and pull on shorts with one arm. But oh baby I do, and I did, well I did until the pain in my useless left arm became constant and ran the entire length of my arm, right into my finger tips. My left arm would not be ignored. Damn, I did so try to ignore it. So after my ripped tendon, and adhesive capsulitis were diagnosed. (the frozen shoulder I am sure a result of my refusal to move my left arm for a few months, yeah, I really am a genius.) I have since had a procedure requiring painful needles, and physical therapy. I will continue the physical therapy for a couple more months. Yes, my dear blog, not only have I been germ infested, but I was stupid enough to ignore a torn shoulder tendon and yet I lived to tell my story. Seriously I know it's hard to believe but I am a genius.

I am feeling better, I am no longer the one armed virus germ magnet. (am about an arm and a half right now) The healing started just as you were starting to cough up blood but before you died altogether. Happy days. Please do stay tuned I have some stories to tell and I promise to feed you more often. (yeah yeah I know I've said that before but I mean it this time, I think, no I do really) Until next time...

Besos, Es

advertising

2010-02-08T06:45:00.004-04:00

While I was in Santo Domingo my beverage choices varied, beer, rum, Dansani flavored water (toronja bliss was my favorite) and Diet coke also known as Coca Cola Light. Coca Cola light didn't really taste the same as diet coke, a little flat tasting in fact. But "light" sounds somehow better than diet.

Pollos Victorino is a chain of fast food chicken places, I spotted them in numerous locations on my travels in Santo Domingo. During the week there never seemed to be anyone buying chicken there, but on weekends they were packed. "Sabor a ti" loosely translates into "taste like you". Now I have no doubt that I taste damn fabulous but am not sure I want my chicken to taste like me because I like my chicken to taste ...well, like chicken. Also how do I know that said chicken will in fact taste like me and not you? Not that you taste terrible but do you taste like chicken? This sign sort of reminded me of "Soylent Green" hence why I never ate there.

A little vacation

2010-02-06T02:32:00.000-04:00

As I have told you a few times I have a gazillion cousins. Some are not so nice, some are nice and some are down right scary. One of the nice ones, is my cousin Olga. Back when we lived in Brooklyn, Olga use to babysit me during summer school vacations. She was a great babysitter. She recently reminded me that as a child I refused to drink any beverage that didn't have crushed ice, she of course always crushed my ice, she spoiled me. Until about 8 months ago Olga lived in Texas now she lives here in Puerto Rico. She moved to help care for her mom, my tia Francis. Olga happens to own a timeshare in Santo Domingo, and since we both needed a little break from our caregiver/caretaker jobs, the Dominican Republic seemed like a nice escape ... and it was.

Let me tell you my little huckleberries, I slept ( a whole lot) I watched TV, I ate and I drank and sunbathed and went sightseeing. It was a heavenly vacation. The weather was great the entire week we were there. Santo Domingo is filled with many historic sights, colonial times have been preserved and the architecture is impressive. The people were wonderfully friendly, the food phenomenal and the beer, well the beer was damn tasty. (the rum wasn't too shabby either but I have to admit it isn't as good as PR rum) Thank you Cuz for the love, the stories shared, and our vacation to Santo Domingo, it was great fun. And I won't tell anyone how you were a little grumpy on the flight home because you couldn't nap due to the fact that R.K.M. & Ken-Y were sitting right behind us on the plane and I had to show you their picture on my IPOD and tell you who they were because I am so hip and have a 17 year old brother who keeps me up on these things. I love that among the gazillion cousins you are one of the good ones.

Columbus or maybe it was his son, slept here.

Colonial Plaza Church

inside the church

Plaza outside the church

Coastline near our condo

Street musicians enjoyed while having a beer at a sidewalk cafe

Olga at the National Aquarium

These lizards were everywhere, and they were big.

Stairways like this one can found all over older parts of the city

Our Transportation to and from Saona Island

Saona Island

Same island, another view

I have more pictures to share at another time, blogger is taking too long to upload and I have things to do. Enjoy the weekend, be back soon.

Another Milestone

2010-01-07T08:57:00.005-04:00

So the party continues, it's my birthday. In honor of such an auspicious occasion, am having a few girls over to celebrate. Nothing too extravagant just the usual cigars, rum and of course, plenty of hair adornment. Oh and 7 birthday related things:

Am a Capricorn and if I were to believe in horoscopes, I am a true Capricorn. sad but true.
My most favorite birthday ever was at L'Auberge, balloons, champagne, tuxedo strawberries, followed by 2nd most favorite: Vegas baby!
My most favorite birthday outing as a kid was going to "flame Steaks" in Times Square. My parents always made it a goal to embarrass me by putting lettuce on their noses, yep, those were good times.
There has only been one year where I secretly wished for a specific birthday gift. I never told anyone, and hence didn't get what I had wished for, how stupid was that?
I don't recall ever having a birthday party or traditional type birthday cake. I'm OK with that, those things never appealed to me.
By 8AM today I had received 4 birthday texts, 6 birthday emails, 2 birthday gifts, and the day is still young.
The anniversary of the day of my birth, means I made it to another year, another chance to live up to my potential, another year to count my wrinkles, to stare in the mirror and wonder "how come body parts seem to be going south?" , another year to squander away the day without guilt because it is my birthday, another year to feel good about who I am, another year to "Find freedom for the full expression of my personality".

Dia de los Reyes

2010-01-04T18:00:00.005-04:00

While most of you are getting back into your post holiday routines, here on the island we are still in party mode. Today is 3 kings day. El dia de los Reyes is one of our most important holidays. All the islands children spent last night finding boxes and filling them with hay, so the camels would have something to eat when the 3 kings dropped off a whole plethora of gifts. Los Reyes trump santa here on the island.

Nothing goes back to normal until January 12th, when at long last kids go back to school and people go back to work and the holiday season is officially over. It's a damn long holiday season. We start the party on Thanksgiving and almost 2 months later it ends.

The holiday season is filled with traditions, fabulous food and wonderful music. For some it's a highly spiritual time, there are midnight masses, re-enactments, and candle lit processions. For others (like me) it's the food and drink and music that fills me with awe. I have eaten more roast pork in the last 2 months than I did all year. I drank coquito (our rum laced coconut eggnog) and moonshine, oh baby, you haven't lived until you drink our moonshine, it's smooth, fruity and ever so deadly, gotta love that in your holiday beverages. And the music, incredible Christmas carols that have been sung for generations, some spiritual, others just joyful.

So today while you go about your average day, I'll be checking out my hay filled box for baubles left by the 3 kings, eating roast pork, and drinking moonshine, all the while listening to los troubadours sing farewell to this holiday season. Feliz dia de los Reyes.

2010

2009-12-31T13:55:00.000-04:00

May it be filled with Peace, Love, and Joy
Besos, Es

And so it begins

2009-12-28T07:36:00.006-04:00

Now that Christmas is over, we look towards the New Year. Here on the island we still have the New Years celebration and 3 Kings day before the partying yields back to our routines. But as does most of the planet at this time of year, we look back on the past year and contemplate what the new year holds for us.

I have lived in Puerto Rico for four years now. Four years of tropical island/farm living. Nothing like my past city life. I still look back on my New York and Boston life, and it amazes me that I went from fast paced city career girl to my Boricua roots. Oh, how I still miss my old life, but oh , how I have strongly embraced my island home.

It's been a difficult transition, filled with plenty of loss and turmoil. I am ashamed to admit that I let the difficulties and loss define me, more often than I allowed the beauty and wonder to take hold. I am ashamed to admit that I have hit rock bottom way too often. I am ashamed to admit that there have been moments when I felt I truly understood why some people choose to give up or perhaps even take their own life. Overwhelming sadness, grief and tough decisions can make a person lose sight of all that is good. Loneliness and heartache (although at times self imposed) are not conducive to a good night sleep or a positive attitude or good health. I am ashamed to admit that I said "I hate my life" so often I lost count. I am ashamed to admit I lost sight of living only to bask in ugliness. It was not and hasn't been a good way to live. In fact I only "lived" intermittently.

This last year has been the most difficult. All my psychology training and degrees couldn't pick me up off the floor, not that I tried too hard to get up either. But sometimes as you lay in that bathtub full of life's lemons, enjoying the despair, someone or something reminds you that it's not over yet. The gods remind you that the journey although difficult and dark, still manages to hold some glimmers of light. Some little voice reminds you to look around, to search for the joy because it is still there, you have just forgotten where to look. You have forgotten how to live and living is something I use to do with great abandon, I was damn good at it.

So all that being said my only goal for the New Year is to find some peace. To focus on me because you know when it's all said and done, it's really all about me. right? I am making the choice to focus on the positive and to be thankful. I am so very grateful for so many things. (get ready here come the bullets)

I live on gorgeous tropical island, whose culture, beaches and food are nothing short of spectacular. How can I not focus on all that beauty? My only real complaint about living here are the countless bad hair days due to the humidity, if that's my major beef I really need to shut up.
I have lost what may have been some of the greatest loves of my life, but as the old saying goes "it is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all" Stupid saying but oh so very true. If I lose sight of all that joy and love, I diminish what was some incredible love.
I am grateful to all of you who read this blog and take the time to comment or email me. Some of you I have met in person, others I only know in cyber-world but all of you have blessed me with your friendship. Many of you shared your wisdom, and personal stories with me, many of you quietly "held my hand". Thank you, I am humbled by your beauty.
My cousins (not the whole gazillion of you, ha!) but those select few who love me so unconditionally. It's a groovy thing that we have all connected. This generation is setting the bar high for those cousins that follow us. I won't name all of you (it would take too long and this post is long enough already) but you know who you are. I love you and I am grateful.
Las Comadres! what can I say about you, you take friendship to a whole new level. You understand me, and you still love me, how beautiful is that! You are phenomenal women, 'nuff said.
My immediate family, you haven't made life easy for me but I regret nada. You have made me stronger, you have never doubted me, you believed when I didn't. I am proud to live up to our family name. You too have set the bar awfully high, but I will never stray from reaching it.

I am a strong, educated woman. I hold the key to my destiny, only I decide what defines me. If I don't enjoy the journey what beauty will the destination hold? As 2010 nears, I choose to live this new life a whole lot better than I did in 2009. And so it begins ... with me ... because my little huckleberries, it's all about me, a better me.

Feliz Navidad

2009-12-24T19:10:00.000-04:00

From my corner of the world to yours

Merry Christmas
Besos

Alive and well

2009-12-16T04:13:00.005-04:00

It's been 4 months since I last wrote in this blog. I promised I would write more often ... I lied. I didn't mean to lie it just sort of happened, Life sometimes gets in the way of blogging. Of course, you would think that after all this time I would have something profound, earth shattering, and important to say but I don't. Nope, nada, empty. Well, except for yet another bullet post and some pictures ...

The above picture is the back of the U.S. Puerto Rico quarter. We are a United States Colony/territory and we got minted. So go check your pocket change and when you find the Puerto Rico quarter, think of moi.

In October we had a huge explosion at the Gulf Oil refinery. Big massive explosion caused by human error. The explosion included a 3.8 earth tremor and a plume of smoke that could be seen for miles and lasted a week. (and yes Nor, I could see it from my house)

In November I attended my brother's Catholic Confirmation. I am not a practicing Catholic, nor am I much of a believer, But Albert is and it was important to him so it was important to me. His girlfriend Dilmaris, was also confirmed that day. I am sometimes in awe that this handsome 17 year old young man is the same little frightened 2 year old boy I met for the first time at social services and as much angst as he sometimes causes me, the joy he brings is far greater.
Our little island is besieged in turmoil. The economy sucks, the murder count is greater then several major and much bigger cities in the United States, and our Governor is a complete idiot who thinks that what's important in these trying times is privatization and statehood. Neither of which is wanted by the people of the island.

The holiday season is upon us and let me tell you Puerto Ricans know how to party! And we will be partying 'till the cows come home or January 6th. which ever comes first.

Now my little huckleberries, that's all I got for now. I am still here, and I will be back. besos, Es

(Susan, am so doing my naked happy dance about your new house!)

Hurricane Season is upon us

2009-08-17T06:13:00.008-04:00

We are currently being drenched by tropical depression Ana. We expect a lot of rain and some windy conditions. Latest reports advise about flooding. I don't mind the rain except this means that getting into town will require me to take an alternate route since my normal road will be under water in a couple hours. I need to get to the grocery store today. damn it.

Hurricane Bill, is heading this way and although earlier reports said it would hit Puerto Rico head on, now it seems it will miss us but again we expect heavy rain and winds by Friday. The national Hurricane center is telling us that it is still too early to say weather Hurricane Bill will miss us or not because it is about 4 days away. In 4 days anything can happen and normally does when speaking "hurricanes".

I am going into Hurricane mode none the less because I don't care to fight the masses for gallons of water or batteries on Thursday. (should Bill decide to pay us a visit on Friday as is predicted)
I will be going to Home depot and the grocery store today during the downpour of Tropical Depression Ana.

The National Hurricane Center offers this helpful tips for Hurricane preparedness . I am going to focus on water, ya gotta have water, food, I gotta eat, making sure my cell phone and Ipod are fully charged at all times, snacks are a must have. I love chips and dip during a storm, and of course Booze because what goes better with chips and dip than an ice cold Medalla? (ice cold as long as there is power, of course) But in case there is no power Red wine can be served at room temperature, keep that in mind when you are getting ready.

Hurricane season last until November. This is the first of many warnings to come my way. I fully understand the devastation a hurricane can leave in its wake and although I do heed the warnings, I can't help but take a lighthearted view in my approach because lets face it, Life is too short to freak out. I can't control Mother Nature, but I can control my hurricane preparedness, so let the games begin ...

The great outdoors, part 2

2009-08-12T10:09:00.000-04:00

Some more vacation pictures: above picture from Zion in Utah, you should really go there.

Zion Narrows, Jenny and I hiked the Narrows for 7 hours, beautiful hike.

The narrows: it's mostly hiking through rock and water.

Jenny

Jenny working her way across the water, to that mud area in the background.

Bryce Canyon, you really should go there too.

Dead tree, crow, Grand Canyon.

As you were, am done for now.

I am ...

2009-08-03T07:17:00.006-04:00

Reading: Last exit to Brooklyn by Hubert Selby, Jr.

Listening: my ipod, Spearhead, all rebel rockers.

Watching: nada.

Eating: Fruity Cheerios.

Drinking: Strong black coffee/water/lemonade (not together).

Making: a list of everything I need to get done this week.

Waiting: for the other shoe to drop, or miracles to happen.

Wondering: If there is any truth to "a fine line between genius and insanity"?.

Wanting: To relive one moment of my choice.

Y tu? Que haces?

The great outdoors

2009-07-27T19:17:00.006-04:00

I took a little vacation, I was gone 12 days. 12 Days where I did nothing but focus on me (and a little bit on my travel companion.) I spent a lot of time listening to my ipod, sleeping long hours, a deep restful sleep, I read, had a manicure and pedicure and I hiked. I went to Arizona and Utah and Nevada. Now I know it was a bit crazy to leave this tropical island paradise for that dry desert heat that numbered in the triple digits every single day I was there but I am crazy that way. Anyone who knows me knows that my greatest joy is being in nature, surrounded by sunlight and walking/hiking.

I came back feeling a little more "together" and a little more focused and a lot more content. I won't go into detail about the couple times I cried or held back tears . The times I longed for things the way they use to be, or even the overwhelming sadness. I will tell you that this trip was a bit cathartic, I purged some negativity, accepted a few things, renewed my spirit and even found time to basked in the familiar.

I hiked the Grand Canyon, Bryce Canyon and Zion, then I topped it off with a side trip to Vegas. I went with my cousin Jenny (she's one of my gazillion cousins). She was the perfect travel partner, smart, witty and yet fully aware of my need to "mend" from the last year, she left me plenty of alone time.

Grand Canyon, absolute splendor.

Me at Bryce, contemplating the end of a 4 hour hike.

Zion Narrows

Grand canyon, Free from worry, I should have taken a leap and clicked my heels together but it was a long way down.

Bryce Canyon

Grand Canyon, dead tree

Working on pushing that damn boulder I've been carrying around away, far away.

Jenny and I, taken by some strange guy that followed us around for a bit.

Jenny after a long day of hiking.

Another dead tree, but it was pretty.

I have many more pictures to share but blogger is giving me a headache and taking way too long to upload pictures so this is the end ... for now.

Oink Oink

2009-07-23T14:16:00.007-04:00

I have been away for the last couple weeks but this post isn't about what a joyous time that was (that's the next post) this is about the damn swine flu. We on the island are at Level 5. level 6 being "we are more than likely in big trouble" pandemic level.

Now if you read the news there are a plethora of conflicting reports. According to news sources Puerto Rico has had anywhere from 1-8 deaths and 100-800 confirmed cases.

Let me tell you how it's playing out here on the "isla del encanto": We have had 8 deaths, 300 confirmed cases and about another 600 unconfirmed. A whole lot of people are walking around in full pandemic regalia. (surgical masks, gloves, and vats of alcohol based hand sanitizer.)

Our government (which is run by a bunch of stupid, greedy people who make all decisions based on their own personal agendas and not at all in the best interest of the country) have been on TV daily, warning us about our up coming doom yet telling us not to worry, it's all under control. The media of course has also done it's best to fuel the pandemic panic fires.

We really have no idea about the real facts since our government is stupid, but I think I already told you they were stupid, right? As of today meetings are being held behind closed doors to decide if in fact a level 6 will be declared today. In the mean time, we have been told to cancel all activities that involve large groups and several municipalities have shut down operations for the next week. There is a possibility that all government offices will close but I don't really know if that's true because well, our government is stupid.

The governor while making his daily news briefs has warned the public not to hug, or kiss or shake hands with anyone, not anyone, for any reason. Hellooooo this is Puerto Rico, does he have any idea that as a culture, as Puerto Ricans, physical touch is a must, it's an instinct, it's what makes us Puerto Rican. So as you can guess "the people" have gotten very creative to meet this new challenge. I saw people today touch elbows (because you know elbows can't spread germs), some throw kisses at each other, others touch finger tips and then pull out the vats of disinfectant to smear all over each other. Which if you ask me could be fun if done naked with the right person.

As for me, I am not doing anything except my same old routine, while constantly disinfecting my hands when ever I touch something that perhaps some human or some swine may have touch prior to me. I open a door somewhere public, I clean my hands, close a public door, clean my hands, touch money, clean hands, you get the picture? My hands are dry and chapped because using an alcohol based disinfectant on them and washing them 300 times daily has managed to destroy the natural softness and beauty that were once my hands. It is however a small price to pay to show my patriotic loyalty, or to prevent the spread of swine flu depending on which news report you follow.

If all hell doesn't break out today, I'll be back soon to tell you all about my vacation. Right now ,I am off to wash my hands because I don't know what swine might have touched this keyboard while I was away. (you can click on the Pooh pic to enlarge if you can't read it)

Update: we now have 9 confirmed deaths, 22 unconfirmed and so far still a level 5, school should start Aug 5 but media claims that will be delayed, more baloney, little facts. that is all ...

Slow resurgence

2009-06-25T09:17:00.001-04:00

Yeah, yeah, so I claim to be back and then I write nada for several weeks. Damn me. I have many things I want to tell you and many things to write about, a wide variety of topics from politics to life on "the island" to sex but ... most days am too tired to put it all together so again with the bullet post:

I made it through another Fathers day, did a little pondering at the cemetery, I fucking hate holidays, always have, hate them now more than ever.
It's mango season soon to become avocado season, am ever so happy about the farm this time of year.
My mental and physical health really suck but am working on "fixing" both of those.
The governor of Puerto Rico is Luis Fortuno and he is an absolute idiot who has no idea what the people of Puerto Rico need and want. He (as do many politicians) made promises based on lies which he promptly broke the second he made it into office. He is currently in the USA asking/begging congress to allow a vote for Puerto Rico to vote on a possible vote on our status. Yeah, it makes no sense and it's stupid, a waste of time but he thinks it's important ... more on the politics of my island soon.
I am completely done with unpacking and organizing, hard to believe it took me 4 years to "settle in".
My 17 year old brother may be the spawn of Satan when he isn't one of the grooviest teens I know. Teenage drama surrounds him now that he thinks he is madly in love, argghhh.
Stupid people shouldn't breed, there really should be a law about that.
Speaking of kids, I hate pregnant women. Yes, you got knocked up but NO you do not deserve special treatment because of it. I took your parking spot, I don't care that it annoyed you, it's a mall courtesy not a law.
I really need to buy clothes that fit, I hate shopping.
Looking for a new hair style and hair color, the quest so far sucks.
Thanks to all of you that keep checking in on me, it's appreciated more than you know.
My lovely friend Loli had surgery on Monday, heal quickly, love you comadre.

There you have it ... a bunch of randomness. Whats random in your life?

It's been a while

2009-06-03T21:28:00.002-04:00

I have been missing for a long, long while from the world of blogging as well as the world at large. Why? well it's a long story, long and convoluted so let me give it to you in bullets :

I was kidnapped by a chupacabra and only recently managed to escape.
I have been in such a foul mood that I could only write negative, vile things and frankly even I tired of my "pity parties".
Petulance (not to be confused with flatulence)
My writing muse took an extended vacation, leaving me high and dry.
I've been too busy.
Grief and overwhelming sadness
health issues, relationship issues, friendship issues, lot's of fucking issues.
I ran away and married ~~Angelina Jolie~~ ~~Raul Julia~~ Benicio Del Toro and being his ~~sex slave~~ wife leaves no time for blogging.
Soul searching.
I had eight babies, and have been avoiding the media circus that surrounds such a blessed event.
I just needed a break because of my mental break.
Due to my chronic insomnia have been hallucinating too much to write something clever.
Am so freaking tired, sick and tired.
Grief ... did I mention grief?
been training for a triathlon (can't even type that with a straight face.)
Been traveling the world using my powers for good and not evil.
No time to write, a Nuyorican (aka a Puerto Rican) is headed to the supreme court.
Procrastination, putting off till mañana what I could have written about today.
sad, lonely, miserable, too many headaches.
No internet connection in my padded cell.

There you have it my little huckleberries, reasons why I have been gone, some are true, some are not. Feel free to add your own reasons for my disappearance.

Life stages

2009-01-11T20:17:00.002-04:00

I have spent a little time looking at old pictures while waiting for my wounds to heal and since I have nothing to really blog about I thought I would give you a glimpse at how I developed into the gorgeous beauty queen you see above.

I was a bald baby, didn't grow hair until I was almost 2 or maybe 3.
(OK, I think that's a picture of my mother but I looked just like her when I was that age.)

Once I grew hair, grow it I did. My hair and I, we have always had a love/hate thing going.

I had a thing for milking cows, if I saw a cow, I milked it, OK, I was a little freaky that way. (well, in other ways too but that's another blog post) This was obviously before my love of pigs, which by the way, I never tried to milk.

My mother made that dress. It started my love of frilly flowery dresses. OK, truth is I thought that dress was hideous but my mom made it, so I wore it, once. Those white socks and pointy shoes complete that dashing ensemble. I would probably wear those pointy shoes today but not with white socks.

Army pants, green shiny belt, black tube top, long hair tied back, can you say "HAWT"? yeah, me neither.

I know, I know, What the fuck happened to my bangs? It also looks like something is wrong with one of my eyes. And how about that long hair curl on my shoulder? Once you stop focusing on all that, I was pretty cute, huh? Little did I know that the red bow in my hair would be a precursor to my current love of all hair adornment. (refer back to current picture, top of post)

So there you have it, a little bit of me. A sample of who I was then which led to the beauty that is me now. I have a few more pictures which I may or may not post. Depends on who begs and how many of you looked past the bangs and saw the cuteness.

Starting off with a bang

2009-01-03T06:49:00.011-04:00

As you may know 2008 was a year I would like to forget. But being the optimist I would like to think I am , I was looking forward to "new beginnings" in 2009. New Years eve was filled with "happy new year" wishes and someone went as far as to tell me that with 2009 I had "nowhere to go but up". Bullshit I thought but my optimism responded, with "yeah, I am sure it will be better". Bullshit.

2 days into the new year and I am starting off with a bang. Well it was actually a fall, yep, I fell, down the stairs. Yep, I had nowhere to go but down. And down I went. (it wasn't "going down" in a good way either!) I am cut, scrapped and bruised. I also have a lovely bump on my head. And damn, I ache all over.Thats my knee, which faired pretty well because I was wearing jeans at the time. This morning the beginning's of a lovely bruise is in the development stage. And it hurts to put pressure on it.
This lovely picture is my forearm. It's also bruised and swollen this morning.

This is my elbow, taken last night before it started sporting a lovely shade of purple, it's swollen and uglier than this picture shows.

I also have a few other scrapes and bruises. Including one nice round bruise on my very nice round ass. Which I tried taking a picture of but frankly I am just not ready to share pictures of my nice bruised ass with you. Not that I don't trust you or anything. It's just that since you have yet to see my Happy naked dance (which I haven't done in a while for obvious reasons) then I don't think you should be privy to pictures of my nice bruised ass. You have to see the whole me before you can put the ass part in perspective. Maybe after a few shots of Puerto Rican moonshine you can talk me into it, but for now, you just have to take my word for how badly bruised my ass is. And my back, did I mention that my back is also scrapped and bruised? I am walking slowly because everything hurts. Trying to stand from a sitting position takes a moment because I can't put much pressure on my knee. Yeah 2009 , nowhere to go but up, fucking bullshit. Not that I'm bitter or anything ...

The optimist in me keeps whispering that this is just a minor set back, the accident could have been much worse, I have no broken bones, I still have the ability to swear, it could have been worse. And as I bandaged up all the bleeding parts last night (I didn't want to get blood on my sheets, I am so practical that way) I kept thinking yes, it could have been worse, I am just starting the year off with a bang, perhaps just getting the bad out of the way early. There's nowhere to go but up. Optimism ... my nice bruised ass, what bullshit! Please tune in tomorrow my optimism might be back by then.

We Three Kings

2009-01-02T07:05:00.012-04:00

As most of you are now winding down from all the holiday festivities, I am still stuck in holiday hell. In Puerto Rico the party continues until 3 kings day. (January 6) Supposedly our best gifts are yet to come. Ya see santa only brings the small stuff to the island but the 3 Kings they bring the good stuff. The gifts and wishes we really long for. (maybe that's when my goat arrives)

El dia the los Reyes as it is known here in Puerto Rico is also known as the feast of the Epiphany. Epiphany derived from the Greek word epiphania meaning revelation is based on the biblical story that tells of the Magi or 3 kings (Caspar, Melchoir and Balthasar) who saw a bright light on the night Christ was born and followed it to Bethlehem. There they found the Christ child and presented him with gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. 3 kings day is also known as little Christmas, and the Twelfth night. 3 Kings day is the official end of the holiday season's "twelve days" of Christmas, counting from Christmas December 25th to the Epiphany on January 6th.

Because you know I love keeping you informed here's a little info on the 3 Kings:

El Rey Melchoir was the Sultan of Arabia. He was the oldest of the Magi and was considered a small and gentle man. Melchor had a long white beard and wore elegant crimson robes. His gift was gold which was much used by the Hebrews for the Temple and was plentiful in the time of David and Solomon. Gold was not coined until after the reign of King David, was an article of commerce and was sold by weight. Saint Melchor's feast day is January 7th. Saint Melchor's figure always goes before the other Kings in a manger scene.

El Rey Baltazar was a Nubian King and ruler of Ethiopia. Baltazar was dressed in exquisite robes. As were all the Kings. His gift was myrrh, a precious and aromatic resin that comes from the bark of thorny African trees and symbolized suffering. Myrrh was a precious commodity in the Middle East. It was one of the ingredients of the holy ointment, (Exodus 30:23), and an embalming substance. (John19:39) It is also used in medicine and as a perfume. Legend tells us that Baltazar died soon after seeing the Christ child, in the presence of the other Wise Men. Saint Baltazar's feast day is January 8th.

El Rey Gaspar was Emperor of the Orient and ruled over all oriental lands. His clothes were gilded in gold. King Caspars gift was frankincense, an exceedingly aromatic gum used as sacred incense for temple services. It is distilled from a tree in Arabia. Frankincense was priceless, the "in" gift for kings and symbolized prayer. It was burned in temples to honor God. It is said the Gaspar traveled the furthest to visit the Christ child. Saint Gaspar's feast day is January 6th.

Traditionally kids all over the island will be searching for boxes, will be filling them with hay, camels (as happens with reindeer) do get hungry on long journeys, placing the box under their bed on January 5th. Then they will go to sleep because as with Santa, if you have to be asleep for the 3 Kings to show up. The next morning the hay is gone and in it's place presents! I'm on a quest to find a box perfect in size for a baby goat, I just have to figure out how to get the damn thing under my bed.

There will be plenty of merriment, roasted pork, arroz con gandules, a hell of a lot of moonshine and music so loud you can't hear yourself think. But at days end the holidays will be over, officially. Well almost over because on January 7th it's my birthday and no holiday season is complete without celebrating the day of my birth.

New Beginnings

2008-12-29T07:01:00.006-04:00

This year will soon end and another begins. As I have done every year for as long as I can remember I will make time to review the passing year. I will reminisce, contemplate, laugh and no doubt cry. I will check to see what goals I met and which ones I totally ignored. I will read through past journals and wonder if in fact there is "cosmic plan". I'll surprise myself at what I have accomplished and all the things I have survived in the last year. I will count the things I did with great love (even the small things) and will forgive myself for those things or times when ugly thoughts and feelings were the only vibes I gave to everything around me. But it's soon to be a new year and a new beginning.

I am leaving 2008 in perhaps the worse shape ever. This has not been a very good year, not emotionally, not mentally and not physically. I have felt like I was tittering on the edge of very ugly places more times than I have been willing to admit. I have plummeted to some ugly places more times than I have admitted too as well. I loved hard and my heart broke harder. I made some tough decisions and choices, others were made for me as I kicked and screamed refusing to accept what was ultimately inevitable. Yes, there was plenty of despair in 2008, fate was not kind and the gods were not fair.

Not everything was doom and gloom in 2008 (even if it seemed that way to me most of the time). I have many things to be grateful for. I live on a beautiful island, in a beautiful home, on a gorgeous farm. I am blessed (during these trying times) to not have to worry about working or making ends meet. I have an incredible family, a gazillion cousins and friends who love me unconditionally and who have held me up during my worse times. I have been in a position to help those that needed a helping hand and have done so with an open heart, I am grateful they let me into their lives. I am grateful for the insight, support and concern from all you sweet huckleberries. I am grateful that I am still here, battered and bruised but still standing.

My dad use to say as long as you had "hope, faith and love" everything would be alright. In a way it was his holy trinity. It was how he lived his life and what he tried hard to pass onto me. (of course his faith was a lot more Catholic/religion based than mine will ever be but ...) I do have HOPE for a much brighter new year. HOPE that my karma and the cosmic plan will do good by me in the coming year because I do try so hard to do good by it (most of the time). I have FAITH that perhaps this past year was the one where I learned life's hardest lessons and I am a better person because of it. FAITH that I will continue to grow into the person I dream to be. As for LOVE, Yes, I have LOVE because I do, I can, and I was and that makes me very blessed not to mention lucky. So good bye 2008, hello 2009. But please try and be a little more gentle with me this new year. The past year left me a little frayed, OK a lot frayed around the edges but in hindsight frayed could have been worse, I could have been broken but I'm not, and I am still here, able to see a glimmer of new beginnings.

From the Asylum to all of you "Happy New Year", may it be filled health, happiness and beautiful new beginnings.

Besos, Es

Merry

2008-12-24T04:36:00.003-04:00

From my padded cell here at the Asylum ... Have a wonderful Holiday.
(wake me when it's over)

It cost so little and means so much

2008-12-21T06:11:00.007-04:00

So I am a "bah humbug" kind of girl. Not sure why because I have fabulous holiday memories. Perhaps it's the commercialism, maybe it's just cynicism. But I was thinking that there are some things I could wish for this Christmas. Things that might make me happy:

Puerto Rico time to equal my concept of time. If you claim you will be at my house at 9AM then damn it, let it be 9AM. Not 11AM or 2 days later, 9AM! Puerto Ricans are not too concerned with time, bugs the hell out of me.
~~Peace on Earth, goodwill to men.~~ 8 full hours of peaceful sleep.
A goat, I would really like a goat. A baby goat.
A love letter, not the romantic boy/girl kind (although that would be sweet) but the kind that reminds you how fabulous you are and how the decisions and sacrifices of the last 4 years were right even if they cost you a broken heart.
3 days alone. All alone, like by myself, just me, not anyone else, get it ... me all about me.
Running water and electricity for a whole month without interruptions in service. I just want to take a hot shower any fucking time I want with total abandon.
A chance to make amends.
Blogger to work right and post pictures where I want them.
A few days in Vegas or a hiking trip.
A few days with old friends. (this doesn't include my up coming Comadres week or cousins reunion)
This Christmas ornament because it's too fugly not to be cute.

Or this Ornament because, well it's a goat, did I mention I wanted a goat?

A less tumultuous new year.

What are you wishing for this Christmas?

Cat on the loose

2008-12-16T19:11:00.006-04:00

Puerto Rico has a panther on the loose. For the last week a panther has been helping himself to livestock on the island. It has been spotted in 3 areas. (Caimito, Rio Piedras, and Monte Hiedra) Our government is devising a plan to catch him. Of course our government also tried to catch the monkeys that were ruining crops and they failed miserably at that. I think they caught one but alas we still have a monkey problem.

I am thinking catching the panther might be a priority since perhaps he might be a more serious problem to humans than the monkeys. No one knows how a panther (not indigenous to the island) got here. The newspaper claims it got here illegally .... duh, ya think? I for one am sure he didn't get here on his own. Let's just hope there's more luck catching the panther than there was catching the monkeys.

Soon to return

2008-12-12T05:17:00.004-04:00

Dearest Huckleberries,

I have been so neglectful of the asylum and the 3 or 4 ~~million~~ of you that stop in to visit. I haven't felt much like writing. When I do feel like writing it isn't anything pleasant because ya know my mood tends to be foul of late. And lets face it this blog has been a bit of a downer more times than not lately. So I have chosen to be silent rather then continue my downward spiral at the asylum.

My mood isn't much better but I do so love the asylum and have decided that writing is a joyous thing so am going to focus on a little writing, perhaps some remodeling, this place could use a little paint to freshen it up. Just to get me started back on the right track here are some totally useless things to share with you:

In recent months I bought fresh blueberries and pomegranates. If you're thinking not a big deal, you would be wrong. It is a big deal when those items are imported to the island. I paid $7 for the the pint of blueberries and $17 for the 6 pomegranates. As with most food items that are imported to this island, you buy them when you see them because you may never see them again. You pay exaggerated prices because that's just the way it goes. So I bought them. The blueberries were used to make pancakes, YUM! Worth every penny. I had not eaten a pomegranate since moving here 4 years ago. I love them. They were the biggest ones I have ever seen and were simply scrumptious. Deliciously sweet, almost decadent and worth every incredibly overpriced cent. It made me happy.
My house is in the process of getting a makeover, roofs were leaking and now have been sealed, painting is progressing at a snails pace due to the constant daily rain. But damn, it's starting to look fabulous.
The holiday season is here, Bah fucking Humbug, yeah that's my attitude.
Tuesday (Dec. 9th) would have been my parents 53rd wedding anniversary, breaks my heart, fills it with sorrow. Fuck!
I have a couple memes to do, have been reading your blogs. (promise to start commenting again this week, well maybe) You huckleberries are a creative bunch and greatly amusing.
Poi is an interesting character from my neighborhood. I have watched him walk up and down our road for the past 4 years. He is always followed by at least 4 dogs. He is disheveled, very dirty looking and hasn't had a haircut for at least the 4 years that I have watched him. He basically ignores everyone, just wanders around, picking things out of trash cans, followed by his trusty pack of dogs. For 4 years I have gone out of my way to greet him, "hello, good morning, Hi, how are you?, good afternoon". At first he ignored me, then he started sticking his tongue out at me, then a couple weeks ago he said hi back. (Progress, after just 4 years) Now he sometimes blows me kisses or waves first. Last week I found out his story. Poi was once married and had a 5 year old son. He also had his own business. About 6 years ago his little son was killed by a passing car. It left Poi and his wife broken, so broken that they each fell apart. their marriage ended, he lost his business, turned to alcohol and slowly became the "man he is today". He no longer has a family, or a home. He isn't always coherent. He relies on people in our neighborhood to feed him, lives where ever he finds cover, always protected by his dogs. He exist a broken crazy man who now takes the time to wave at me. I wonder where my breaking point is. Do we all have one? That place that is so painful and ugly that we break. Kinda makes me want to stop whining about how much this year sucks the juice of pond scum. Kinda but not yet.
Speaking of whining, this year really fucking sucks, ton's.
Despite my obvious misery I am still absolutely in awe of the beauty that is this island. The night sky filled with so many stars it becomes a challenge to find specific constellations because I am so distracted by all the twinkling. The incredible burst of color at almost every sunrise and sometimes sunset. The lush vegetation, the island air. Puerto Rico truly is "la isla del encanto".
I use to be able to flip back and forth between English and Spanish with ease. Completely fluent in both, translations were a breeze. I can't do that lately. My pronunciation in either language is seriously lacking. I get stuck trying to think of a particular word in either language. I sometimes start off in English and end up in Spanish and don't notice until the clerk gives me that blank "I have no clue what you are talking about" look. It's a little crazy.
Tony, there was a Ramito festival in Caguas this weekend. I didn't go but I would have gone in a heart beat had you been in town.
I am still at war with my loud neighbors and still have a pigeon problem.
My brother has a new girlfriend, she sings in the church choir, young love, arrgghh.
I once again for the gazillion time this year must thank you for the concern. Your short notes, comments and texts have been warmly received even if I haven't acknowledged them. Truth be known every month there seems to be another reason why life sucks, why I am sad and miserable. Every month that goes by I have a better understanding about why some people "break". Every month I am still here grasping at the small things, hoping they are enough to get me through another day. Every Month I realize I still have enough strength and humor to get through one more day. Every month I wonder how helpful sleeping pills or anti-depressants might be. But every so often I think "this too shall pass" and I'll be OK. And life does go on ... only it's different than the life I once loved. But I'll grow to love this one too, only differently. So there you have my last "misery" rant, well maybe not my last. I will be back, with a lot less whining, well maybe not a lot less whining but a better attitude, well maybe not that either but I will be back soon. Promise.

Besos, Es
(feed the turtles, it's my attempt at something joyful)

I did Vote today

2008-11-04T09:14:00.007-04:00

I just got back from voting. The whole process took about an hour. Here in my part of the world I don't think things have been any different from any where else on the planet. The politicians have made numerous promises, touted their expertise, slung a little mud, yelled and ranted to no end. There were many rallies and tons of fliers.

Puerto Rico has an incredible high percentage of people who vote. Statistics claim that from 95-98 percent of registered voters do vote. Politics is part of our culture. Everyone feels it is their right and their duty to vote. All island schools from kindergarten to high school hold mock elections to teach all students about the candidates and the voting process. The process is presented in ways that accommodate age. My 5 year old neighbor told me she voted for the candidate that offered her the new colorful playground. A 16 year old told me he voted based on what candidate offered more ideas for a better school system. All those votes are not counted but everyone learns about the system, their right to vote and their duty to the country. Obviously given the high percentage of voter turnout, indoctrinating children and young adults year after year to the importance of voting does have an effect. Everyone has the day off today. Everything is closed and alcohol cannot be served or bought until midnight. Selling booze on election day will get you a $5,000.00 fine. The only focus on the island today is voting.

I attended a rally for my town Mayor (who is running for re-election) on Sunday. It was a cultural community event. A celebration. There was food and music peppered with a healthy dose of politics. People of all ages discussing the pros and cons of issues. Heated discussions, laughter, and of course plenty of drinking, eating and dancing. To be Puerto Rican means you vote. Means you attend rallies, and talk politics every chance you get to make certain that everyone knows the issues and votes. We are as passionate about politics as we are about sex, family and culture. And that's pretty damn passionate.

I come from a family of political activists. People who are willing to die for their beliefs (some have) and for the protection of our rights here on the island. I come from a family that represents a vast array of political beliefs as well as political affiliations. I come from a family that believes you must stand up for what you believe and you must be counted, it is our right. I went and voted today to honor my family name and because it is my right. I am proud to be a part of the process that makes my country a free country.

I hope where ever you are, you too have the right to vote. I hope where ever you are, you exercise that right and not take it for granted.

And in case you are wondering as a resident of Puerto Rico I can not vote in presidential elections but if I could, I would have cast my vote for Barack Obama today.

I felt the earth move

2008-10-12T19:38:00.002-04:00

On Saturday (oct. 11) I was sitting on the couch finishing my second cup of coffee before heading to my 7 AM hair appointment, when the couch started to tremble. Hmmm, I thought to myself, that's kind of odd. As the couch started to shake so did the table and the phone and other items through out the house. I felt the earth move under my feet, and as soon as I stopped singing the Carole King song, I realize we were having an earthquake. The earthquake happened on 6:40 AM and registered 6.1 (Richter scale) and it was felt through out the U.S. and British Virgin Islands as well. This was the worse earthquake to strike Puerto Rico in years.

Did you know we had earthquakes? (bet ya didn't) We have earthquakes because we are near the Puerto Rico trench. The trench being the deepest part of the Atlantic ocean. The trench region posses significant seismic and tsunami hazards to Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands. I am not at all clear on why the trench has this "shaking ability" but it has something to do with being the most negative free-air gravity anomaly on Earth as well as having large landslide escarpments, trench axis and left lateral strike slip motion. Frankly, the why we have earth quakes in P.R. doesn't really matter, point is, I felt the earth move under feet.

Four strong earthquakes have affected Puerto Rico since it's colonization. The first one was in 1670 and the magnitude was not determined. On May 2, 1787 an earthquake registered 8.0 and cause significant structural damage through out the island. On November 18, 1867 a 7.5 magnitude earthquake hit followed by a tsunami that ran in land 490 feet, then on October 11, 1918 it was a 7.5 quake accompanied by a tsunami that was 19.5 feet high.

There have been numerous tremors through out the years but with this weekend's quake, the island was all abuzz about what could happen or might have happened or will happen should a "big one hit". A lot of people were afraid. As for me, well lets face it, this year has sucked mightily so far and I just don't care to think about the "big one". (unless of course it has to do with male genitalia) So I am just walking around doing what I got to do, singing or humming "I feel the earth move under my feet, I feel the sky tumbling down, I feel my heart start to trembling, whenever your around ". Damn I can't get that song out of my head ...

RIF - Boobs

2008-10-10T05:46:00.001-04:00

Grope your breasts ... October is breasts cancer awareness month.

Breast cancer is the most common (excluding skin cancer) cancer among women affecting one in four women.
Breast cancer incidence and death rates generally increase with age. 97 % of of deaths occur in women age 40 or older.
White women have a higher incidence of breast cancer after age forty than African American women. In contrast African American women have a higher incidence rate before age 40 and are more likely to die from breast cancer at any age.
Early detection can save your life.

So my little huckleberries grope your breasts, do it your self, or have someone do it for you. Make a game of it, but do breast self exams every chance you get. Go get a mammogram, do it, schedule it now. Boobs, tits, breasts, bosoms, hooters, jugs, boulders, mammary cannons, melons, twin peaks ... what ever you call 'em take good care of them, your life depends on it. (and don't forget to moisturize)

This has been a public service announcement.

Asi esta la cosa

2008-10-07T20:16:00.005-04:00

Just some rambling about stuff at the asylum.

Weather: after all that rain, 8 towns were declared disaster areas, FEMA is on the way. Now the sun is shining and it's been beautiful outside except for the humidity which was 71% today. The night sky has been a brilliant canopy of stars. We are back to tropical paradise.
El gato: my cat was sick on Saturday, throwing up and very sluggish. I was scared. I love my gato and I couldn't bear the thought of anything happening to him. He is all better and so am I.
Eyes: a couple months ago as I was planning a little get away vacation to the west, my vision became very blurry. My eyes were itchy and red and I felt like giant boulders had taken residence in my eyelids. I had a severe bacterial infection that required, eye drops, oral antibiotics and all sorts of ointments. As if that wasn't bad enough, the bacteria invaded a mole (on my eyelid) and caused it to grow to about the size of a giant redwood, only not as majestic. End result ... surgery, stitches, another round of all sorts of antibiotics. My vision has sucked for the past 2 months, but it's better now and so am I. (Stitches come out Thursday.)
Google reader: sweet cracker sandwich, I could not get the bitch to load all my feeds and allow me my daily fix of all your blogs, as well as my various other interests for 3 days! Got it all figured out, no thanks to Google. Just has I was having withdrawal symptoms, you are all back and life is good. and so am I.
Visitors: My niece Melissa was here for a week. She is beautiful and funny and loving and as crazy as the rest of us at the asylum. She was a great distraction from my depressive self. Love ya Melissa and glad you were here. Thanks so very much for the "flip". Expect to see some videos at the asylum as soon as I take some and can figure out how to add them. (yeah, I know you hate this picture, right out of the shower, blah blah, but you gotta love that t shirt)
Grief: it has it's ups and downs. Some days I feel fine, some days I don't. I find I have a short fuse these days. But I am better, it does get better. I think, maybe.
Books: I need some new stuff to read. Any suggestions? What about books for my ipod? My vision isn't clear enough to enjoy reading right now but I can listen. And I have a $50 itunes gift card just itching to be be spent.
ipod: I got a new ipod this week and it is sweet. We now have 7 ipods in this household, overkill? ... no fucking way.
Sadness: overwhelming on any given day for a whole cacophony of reasons. No longer feeling close among them.
Gratitude: For every single one of you sweet huckleberries, My Familia, my comadres, slowing finding the courage to sew up some loose ends, spreading my wings, learning to say goodbye.

Rain and more Rain

2008-09-22T08:08:00.003-04:00

According to the National Weather service:

A low pressure center over Puerto Rico is not yet a tropical depression but could become one soon . A flash flood watch has been posted for Puerto Rico and the U. S. Virgin Islands and flash flood warnings are in effect for parts of eastern Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands. Dangerous flooding and mudslides will be an issue through Monday.

We have gotten 15 inches of rain since last night, reports claim we will average approximately 4 inches of rain per hour today. The temperature has dropped from 98 degrees to a chilly 72 degrees. You are probably thinking 72 isn't chilly but when your home is built of cinder block and cement and you live on a tropical island with extreme humidity and the temperature drops more than 25 degrees, trust me it's a chilly damp air that invades your core, OK my core but whatever.
That's the view from my balcony, behind all that gray are green lush mountains and palm trees. Yesterday after a little housework I spent the day in bed, looks like today I am doing the same.

"Into each life some rain must fall, some days must be dark and dreary"
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Time

2008-09-15T09:49:00.000-04:00

It's been a long time since I posted. I haven't really felt like saying much. I'm not socializing, keeping up with my email, or my blog comments, in fact I am not doing much of anything. I am still just struggling to get through each day. I have never been very good at sharing my pain or hurt. (although I am better than I use to be) I have this tendency to isolate myself from life when I can't get things to make sense to me. I go through the motions and do what needs to be done but I do as little as is needed to accomplish the task. I talk when I have to, drive when I have to, yeah, basically I just live because it seems I have to. I have been sick a lot in the last 4 months and still feel a non specific physical malaise. If you look at all the signs (and I have) depression seems to have reared it's ugly head. Anger is way up there as well. Yeah and all those other stages of grief have followed. Having loved ones die sucks the juice of pond scum.

My cousin Tony says "time heals nothing, you just have to set your mind at healing and do it". I agree it's all a mind thing, an attitude thing but time does allow you the room to start healing. Time allows you the freedom to ponder, reflect, contemplate where you want to go and even why taking certain paths are the wiser choice. My cousin Olga said that when her sister died (my cousin Gilda) the hardest part was realizing that no one understood the depth of her grief. I find that to be true as well. Everyone around me has also suffered a loss but no one understands the magnitude of my loss. (not that they should). It's one of the many pieces which leads to isolation. I need to be alone with my pain because no one feels it like I do, no one lived it like I did or have. I have felt so broken in the last 4 months that I was surprised everyday that I bothered to wake up and get out of bed. Sadly many days I wished I hadn't bothered to get up.

Many years ago I read a quote that I have always held close because it somehow matched how I felt I lived my life. I can't remember who said it ( I could look it up but why bother) it read " When you come to the end of all the light you have known and are about to step into the darkness of the unknown. Faith is knowing that one of two things will happen. There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught how to fly". Through all the trials and tribulations of my life I have found I've always had something solid to stand on. Right now, at this moment in my life I am hoping to learn to fly.

Which brings me back to time ... time is slowly teaching me to fly. I am doing better, each day feels lighter. Each day sucks a little less then the day before. That's progress. I still don't feel physically well but I am sleeping better and that helps. I have managed to go shopping and buy clothes that fit. It's rather surprising how much weight I have lost in four months. Then again maybe it's just as surprising how much I had gained prior to the last 4 months. Either way, I now have pants/shorts that fit and people are constantly commenting about how skinny I have gotten. Time allowed me to realize that losing weight was a good thing, how I went about losing weight was a bad thing.

I am doing better. I need to make some life decisions, find a new direction. I am mentally making note of things I need to do and how it will affect those around me. I've been keeping up with the news. Although I am a U.S. citizen, I am not a resident of the U.S. so I can't vote in presidential elections. If I could vote I would not be voting for the duo that insults my intelligence and stands for taking away my freedom of choice. My body, my choice, 'nuff said. We haven't been in a hurricane's direct path (like in Haiti or Cuba) but the extreme weather did cause us to lose power and water for 5 days. I don't really give a shit about Lesley Lohan and her sexuality. Nor do I care much about who is currently entering rehab and why. I do care that Lawrence Fishburn is joining the cast of CSI.

Time doesn't heal but it compliments the healing process. It's been a slow process and I don't really feel much like "me" right now but I can sense that I am still here, just a little more convoluted then I use to be. I still feel hurt but not as broken. I still want to sleep the day away but not as often. I still want to isolate myself but am starting to miss my family and friends. I still don't feel well but sleeping normal hours and eating daily meals are happening more often. I don't feel like I have something solid to stand on but with time on my side I am learning to fly.

Finally (yeah, bet you thought this post was never gonna end) I must thank each and everyone one of you (again and again) for the emails, comments, texts, phone calls, threats, bribery, and positive energy sent my way. I may be depressed but I never lose sight of the love. Muchas gracias from the bottom of my convoluted corazon. I hope to be back posting more often after a couple more flying lessons.

Cabo Rojo

2008-08-07T19:35:00.016-04:00

I have absolutely nothing of any real substance to post about right now. But while I was pondering how to advertise for a new muse, I went to the beach. I live on an island that's what we do when we need an escape from ... well you know, an escape from the lush vegetation. I went to Cabo Rojo. (you can read about Cabo Rojo by following the link). I'm still working on getting rid of this massive void in my heart but the sun and ocean did some good. I did take a few pictures for your viewing enjoyment. Salt flats More salt flats
One of the many things Cabo Rojo is known for is it's salt flats. In Fact "el Combate" beach is so named for the fights that took place among locals for possession of the salt flats. (salt was once worth a pretty penny)

El Combate Beach, it was this crowded all week.

Look at those crowds! There must be 10 people in the water.

My beach chair, where I sat pondering life, on the very crowded beach.

Nothing like bringing a 16 year old along when you ponder life. (my brother, Albert)

An even better thing to do when "pondering life" is to bring 3 sixteen year olds with you to the beach. See that look on my brothers face? He was really into the whole pondering thing.

The beach was fun, I got a little sun burnt, I left with no answers to any of my life's questions but I escaped the sadness for a short while and that was worth it. (And my hives are almost gone, in case you were wondering).

Get the party started

2008-07-23T06:50:00.005-04:00

I haven't been here in a while. The last few weeks have moved at a snails pace and often times I have felt I was watching from a distance. Watching from far away but not too far, just far enough to stay engaged yet not let on to how I really feel. Know what I mean? The hives are better, yet the grief is worse. The energy involved in day to day living is exhausting. I'm tired. The insomnia is kicking my ass. If I sleep it's for short spurts. I toss and turn, my mind wanders. I ponder the last 4 months, the last year, the last 4 years and so on until I fall asleep again. Not the flowers in my hair nor my favorite red pants are helping to get me out of this funk.

Ever have one of those moments in life when you question all the whys? Why did he have to die? Why are people so stupid? Why does my cat think he can get his big fat ass into that small round space? Why are the lizards in the back of the house bright green and the ones in the front of the house brownish? Why do I feel so alone lately? Why am I here? Why are life's lessons so fucking hard? Why can't I find shorts I like? Why are my ~~boobs~~ breasts standing between me and that great t shirt that doesn't come in my size because I happen to have ~~boobs~~ breasts.? Why do some women insist on wearing clothes that are 2 sizes too small? Why do these women think they look sexy? Why can't these same women get a fucking pedicure before they squeeze those ugly cracked feet into too small sandals? Why do I find myself weeping at the most inopportune times? Why do I feel I should rant to you about all this shit? Because I am having one of those moments where I question the whys. And I'm miserable and you know what they say, "misery loves company" and I just invited you to my "misery party". Lucky little huckleberries.

My party decor will be brown, I hate the color brown. I'm adding a little splash of some bright cheerful color (like red or purple) because well, I'm miserable not suicidal. There is a guest register, be sure to sign in. Otherwise I may not remember you were here. Misery = forgetful, your mind gets a little cloudy from sadness and lack of sleep. What about misery party food? I'm supplying mangoes and avocados (they are fabulous not miserable) but they are in season right now and I can't give those things away. We'll add a few rotten ones just to take the misery down a notch. We have plenty of bananas as well, take some on your way out. There will be several Jello molds, nothing like 3 or 4 Jello molds to bring a party down. As for beverages ... hell yeah, plenty of that. only the alcoholic kind allowed. Alcohol fuels misery, don't ya know. How about drugs, you ask? Drugs, sure, bring your own. Just keep it on the "low" those are illegal, and I would never do anything illegal. (wink wink, nudge nudge). Party favors? Absolutely! Misery loves presents. Your "Misery party bag" comes in your choice of colors, brown and another shade of brown, both festooned with gravestones and the grim reaper in a glittery beige hue. Copies of Silvia Plath's (aka Victoria Lucas) "The bell jar", and " The Stranger" by Albert Camus will be among the fabulous gifts inside. I'm including some gummy bears and chocolate (because again we are miserable not suicidal) and lastly one of those rubber/plastic bracelets to commemorate the miserable occasion. It will read "Resistance is futile, you will be assimilated" (quote stolen from the Borg). Please feel free to bring me a gift worthy of my sadness. Party on my little huckleberries.

In comments please RSVP and let me know if you are bringing anything or what you're wearing for such an inauspicious occasion.

Random Information Friday (aka RIF)

2008-07-04T08:29:00.001-04:00

Things I haven't yet told you about:

We had a presidential primary here. Mr. and Mrs. Obama were here, as were the Clintons. I did not vote. What?! Why?! Because I am not allowed to vote in a presidential election. Our commonwealth status forbids it. So I can vote in a primary but not in the presidential election. WTF. Sorry, I'm an all or nothing kind of girl. That's just how I roll.

It's summer and we are already doing "hurricane prep". Checking lanterns, generators, cutting back any trees that can/may fall on the house, placing extra reading material and board games in easy to find locations, stocking up on candles, water. etc.

Speaking of summer time, I don't care how bad chancletas may be for my feet, I gotta have 'em. Perhaps when I'm old and lamenting my fallen arches, I'll think differently but not now.

I have been nursing a bad case of hives this week. They itch, they look yucky. I have tried all sorts of remedies, so far all I've manage to do is relieve some of the itch. Sucks really.

I'm not sleeping well and continue to vacillate between feeling OK emotionally and being depressed. I guess losing a loved one does that.

I need to buy new clothes. I hate everything I see. I'm not sure when flat chested, anorexic styles came into play but I am neither of those. woe is me.

This article cracks me up. I wonder how different the English speaking me and the Spanish speaking me are. Do we get along? If you met me, which personality would you like more?

I'm still having pigeon problems. We have about 20 baby chicks roaming the land, apparently the roosters have been very busy.

The neighbor's dog is no longer a problem but the neighbors are. They are loud, obnoxious, inconsiderate jerks. They need me to allow the town access to my property so a dead tree, behind their house (which could fall on their house during a storm) can be cut down. Yeah, I am going to do that ... NOT. Sorry, I am not going to play nice. Respect and kindness go a long. Perhaps you should try that and then maybe I'll reciprocate.

I live in the 2nd happiest place in the world. (according to this survey sent to me by the wonderful T). Denmark is numero uno.

Happy Birthday Papito Rei. Am thinking of you comadre Loli.

I steal therefore I am

2008-06-18T19:52:00.006-04:00

These beautiful flowers were the center piece on a table I walked by. I decided I would really enjoy them, so I took them. I am sure that who ever they belonged to would have wanted me to have them because they cheered me up. I giggled all the way home, knowing I stole them.

At least 10 people watched me take them and walk out with them, no one said a word and no one stopped me. I took that as a sign that they were meant to be mine. Of course I am not advocating that all of you just take stuff you find pretty, stealing is bad. What I did was wrong, bad karma, stealing is bad, did you hear me, bad, don't do it. Unless of course you can get away with it, like I did. (I'm kidding, sort of, kinda) Damn it was fun and those flowers sure are pretty.

Feliz dia de los Padres

2008-06-15T07:26:00.019-04:00

No matter how much time passes, the void left by my dads death will never be filled. I am missing you greatly, still, today, always.

My dad and mom doing the sexy beach thing, what the hell was he thinking with that suit?

United States Army: served in Korea

One of many girlfriends, he loved the ladies.

Cousin Tony, my dad and Tia Felisa

That's one big piece of meat! It was a gift from one of his nephews.

Dad, you were perfect, and I'm not just saying that because I am your daughter. I have heard it said time and time again by everyone who ever knew you. Your sense of humor, your love of life, your devotion to family, your honesty, your work ethic and your compassion all traits I sure hope you passed on to me.
Te adoro, estaras siempre en mi corazon.

The end

2008-06-01T07:08:00.003-04:00

Dearest Huckleberries,

With overwhelming sadness I sit here trying to decide what to tell you about the last week. It was a horrible week and the details are many. Death finally arrived on Sunday, May 25th at around 6AM. We brought our loved one home on Thursday, deciding that dying at home was perhaps the only viable, yet painful thing left to do. Hospice care was in place, as was all the equipment necessary to make the last days as comfortable as possible. Between Thursday night when we arrived home from the hospital to Sunday morning when this part of my life ended, we had a steady stream of people in and out of the house. Doctors, nurses, friends and family all working to making things as easy as possible under the circumstances.

I slept in the room with "love" every night, OK truth is I didn't really sleep but I was there to do all that needed to be done. I was there all night to listen to the labored breathing, and the oxygen machine. I was there all night to do things I never imagined I could do but did, all in the hope that the suffering was lessened by my feeble nursing attempts. I was there all night to wonder why and to fear the inevitable end. I was there standing by the bed as the last breath was taken on Sunday morning. I made each and every phone call to everyone who needed to be informed. I made all the arrangements. I was there each and every moment of the last 7 weeks. I was there until the very end.

The images from this journey creep into my brain every so often filling me with grief and undeniable pain. Somewhere in my head I can still hear the gurgling, the suction machine and the oxygen tank. Somewhere in my head I can still hear that last breath. Somewhere in my head I can still see those gorgeous blue eyes, empty and awaiting death. I am physically exhausted, emotionally numb. I have moments when the sadness makes me want to curl into a fetal position. And moments when I make a list of all the things that need to still be done. This I do while feeling completely detached from the task at hand. I have already started to sort through stuff, deciding what should be thrown away, what should I give away, what should be donated and of course there is that pile of stuff that I can't stand to even look at right now.

I wasn't ready for the "dying" part. I knew it was coming, I was expecting it, but I wasn't ready for it to show up without warning me. It never gave me a sign that it was so close and for this I am angry. Would it had been easier if I had been told it was moments away? Perhaps not. Are we ever really ready to face the inevitable end? Sometimes this journey flashes before me in short snippets. Images of various scenes, the hospital, a nurse, the cafeteria, the blood, and the faces of my family and the worse one, the body being taken away.

I am still mostly silent. I don't feel the need to say much, everything seems so trivial. I speak when I have to, otherwise I prefer not to. Sometimes the silence in my own head is deafening. ( I now understand that phrase... silence being deafening) As yet another saying goes "life does go on" and so we shall. In time. Slowly.

It sucks to be me right now but there are some things I am grateful for, despite my grief. I witnessed many random acts of kindness during this journey. There was a complete stranger who bought me coffee, or the one who held my hand never speaking a word, another who brought us lunch, people we didn't know, who witnessed our pain and tried to make it better. I am grateful for the medical team who were wonderful and compassionate. The hospice team was a true gift. All the people who came to the funeral, family and friends, I am grateful. To all of you, who kept me company via your comments, emails, voice mails and texts. To my comadres, who daily, for this entire time "had my back". To Tony and Daisy, I can never truly put into words what the two of you have meant to me during this. Your love, and support reminded me every day that I would be OK. I know what a sacrifice you made to be here this week from cash, to work, to your personal lives and I am so unbelievably grateful. To the love of my vida, yet again you sat quietly in the background, but trust me, not once did I ever forget you were there. Not once did I ever forget you were ready to do whatever it took to hold me together. I am truly grateful for all of you.

Today, as I have done every day this week, I remind myself that there are wonderful memories to fill some of the void. I remind myself that yes, it will get better and the void will get smaller and I'll be OK, in time. Slowly. Ever so slowly. For now I will go back to making my lists and sorting through stuff and allow myself the time to curl up into a fetal position if time allows, crying when I can't stop the steam of tears. For today I will pretend it's a "normal" day, cuddle my cat (if he lets me) and look forward to the day when life will be almost normal, almost normal in a different way.

Besos, Es

Dear Huckleberries

2008-05-16T20:43:00.006-04:00

Dearest Huckleberries,

This horrible journey continues. This week we were faced with more internal bleeding and the need for yet another pint of blood. The double pneumonia is worse. There is an infection just about every where, and the body just keeps laboring on. Almost on a daily basis the doctors remind us that "today could be the day, the end". Every day we wait and watch someone we adore slowly die.

Almost every day I am faced with more decisions that need to be made, and more papers to sign. And every night as I say goodnight, I wonder if this is last time I'll witness the labored breathing, if while I lay sleepless and crying in bed the phone will ring and it will be "the call". Everyday I wonder if I'll make it through the day without wailing like a banshee. Everyday I wonder why. Everyday I wonder how much stronger I can or need to be.

I stand strong and silent most of the time. I understand that I set the mood for all the other family members. If I fall apart so shall they. I am most impressive when dealing with doctors and having to explain to the rest of the family what is happening. I am concise, keeping my words simple and I have mastered my "poker face". Alone in bed or in the shower it's my chance to whimper. I find I also cry at the strangest times. Like when asked "would you like fries with that?", or when a nurse recently said "what a lovely t shirt", or the morning the mechanic asked me to sign my bill, and of course the day the sales clerk asked if he could help, I whimpered and just walked away.

I am tired. Tired emotionally and physically. I want to sleep for hours, that deep undisturbed sleep. I am tired of forcing myself to eat at least one meal a day. I have lost 18 pounds. I am tired of being strong. I am tired of driving. I am tired of hearing about God and her abilities to heal, decide ones fate and of the comfort I should be feeling if I focus on God. I am tired. Tired.

On a brighter note, I have at long last been given the "balls of steel" I have been looking for. The lovely WNG as awarded me some. I am going to carry those around proudly today, gracias you made me chuckle which beats the hell of of whimpering.

Lastly, thank you (again and again) for all the love and kindness. I am humbled by how you manage to consistently check up on me, thank you for taking the time to be here.

Besos, Es

bedside

2008-05-03T21:23:00.008-04:00

Dearest Huckleberries,

I am currently maintaining a bedside vigil. Just waiting for things to end. We have heard from the doctors that this journey could be over any day. (of course I have heard that since last week.) We wait, and sit and wait. I ponder all the "why is this happening?" and all the "what if's" and all the "then what". I have no answers.

I am frustrated and have many moments of overwhelming grief.
Sometimes we are given a glimmer of hope and then it's quickly taken away. Then we just sit and wait some more. I find I am more quiet now, sometimes just refusing to speak because I fear the wail that might escape my lips before I can stop it. Sometimes I just keep my words to a minimum, idle chit chat at best. Sleep is becoming a distant memory. A wrong number in the middle of the night, makes my body shake uncontrollably and mother fucker has become my choice response.

I am now entering the numb stage of my emotions but before completely caving in to that desire to feel nada, I want to thank you. Gracias for keeping me company. The warm loving thoughts, the positive energy, the emails, comments, phone calls, and text messages, muchas gracias. I am truly touched by your kindness. You have proven once again that each and every one of you is simply fabulous.

To those of you who are my blog pals, talk about fabulous berries! You crack me up and I do feel the love. I am astounded by the kindness of strangers (let's face it, you are all a bit strange). I am truly grateful for your friendship.

To my comadres del alma, who would have thought that meeting all those years ago in "latino Leaders" would bring us to this sisterhood. Gracias, estaran siempre en mi corazon, las adoro.

To my cousins, Virginia and Aury, coming back from the hospital to a clean house and home cooked meals is a gift. Gracias, I have no idea how I will ever repay all those random acts of kindness you have both constantly given. To Tony and Daisy, what can I say about both of you. You have no idea how much help you have been from far away. I love you.

To the love of my vida (you know who you are) You are constantly picking up the pieces of my broken heart, so unselfishly standing by and loving me unconditionally. Knowing you are standing on the sidelines waiting to catch me, brings me peace.

I look forward to all you hugs and love, to the promises of vodka, and the silly thoughts. I look forward to the positive words, it's what keeps me a little sane right now. I am grateful beyond words.

Besos, Es

Broken

2008-04-17T00:21:00.004-04:00

Dearest Huckleberries,

I am so lost and heart broken. I have spent the last week watching someone I simply adore and love madly slowly wither away before my very eyes. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I just can't.

The death of Papito Rei in January broken my heart in places that were already a little fragile. I've been meaning to tell you all about Rei, he was a most amazing person, and you missed out not knowing him, I'll get around to that tale at some point. The recent health scare of yet another love of my vida broke me just a little bit more. And now ... well now I'm thinking all the little pieces are going to be harder to put back together.

So why the fuck am I blogging right now? Because I need to do something and I don't have the physical energy to do anything else. I've read your comments and emails and as always, you are fabulous and I feel the love, gracias, muchas gracias.

I am spending most of my waking hours at the hospital. Today I did the hardest thing yet. I signed the dreaded "DO NOT RESUSCITATE" papers. Let me tell ya my little huckleberries, If I thought I was kicked in the balls last week, this week even "balls the size of church bells" would not hold up well.

I'm letting you know how bad things are, yet being vague because I can't bear to type the details. Perhaps another day. I thought I had plenty to say but I don't, so I'm done. Goodnight, don't let the bedbugs bite. And thank you again for all that positive energy you are sending my way. Keep it coming. I'll write again when I can.

Besos, Es.

Kicked in the balls

2008-04-07T22:14:00.003-04:00

Life is kicking me in the balls. For the record I don't have balls but if I did, life would certainly be kicking me in the balls. How can a girl go from living and relaxing in bliss one day and less then 48 hours later be writhing in pain? The emotional kind of writhing in pain and as we all know, emotional pain is the worse kind of pain. I don't know what I have done in my short life to warrant such extreme cruelty from the gods but ... motherfuckers!

If I had balls, which I don't but if I did, they would be smashed/kicked to smithereens by now. I have always been a "glass is half full kind" of girl. I bask in the good days and let the bad days roll but rat bastards, enough already. The glass is starting to look half empty and that sucks the juice of pond scum!

This is the "Asylum" and as such you would expect things to be a tad crazy, but hell this isn't crazy this is damn fucking insane and not insane in a good way. (yeah I think some insanity is a good thing). This my little huckleberries is the bad insanity. Life sucks, there I said it and I'm proud.

Your regularly scheduled programing (such as "RIF") will return as soon as I develop some balls of steal.

Way to spend an afternoon

2008-03-30T14:13:00.014-04:00

The weather has been nothing short of absolutely gorgeous lately. So how did I spend my time? Thought you'd never ask ...

Giving in to the inviting hammock.

Surrounded by color.

Sipping on ice cold fresh coconut water, while trying to decide if I should eat the fresh fig or the pomegranate first.

Deciding that eating the soft fleshy inside of my coconut was the way to go.

Random Information Friday

2008-03-28T06:09:00.005-04:00

The science of kissing is called philematology.

The fear of kissing is called philematophobia.

In Naples, Italy in the 16th century, kissing was an offense that carried the death penalty.

You burn 26 calories in a one minute kiss.

A simple pucker uses two muscles, the upper and lower orbicularis otis surrounding the lips. A passionate kiss uses all 34 facial muscles.

The Catholic church declared kissing to be a mortal sin in the middle ages.

The average person will spend an estimated 20,160 minutes kissing in their lifetime.

International kissing day is February 5th.

A study at Princeton University in 1997 concluded that our brains are equipped with neurons that helps us find our lovers lips in the dark.

Canadian porcupines kiss one another on the lips.

50 % of all people kiss before they turn 14.

In Indiana it is illegal for a mustached man to habitually kiss human beings. In Hartford it is illegal for a man to kiss his wife on Sunday and in Cedar Rapids, Iowa it's a crime to kiss a stranger.

In the middle ages a person who could not write/read would sign documents with an X. They would kiss this mark as a sign of sincerity. Eventually the X came to represent the kiss itself.

A kiss can contain 278 of different bacteria. 95% of which are non dangerous.

Couples transfer an average of 9 milligrams of water, 0.7 milligrams of protein, 0.18 milligrams of organic matter, 0.71 milligrams of fat, and 0.45 milligrams of salt in an open mouth kiss.

Oh Brother!

2008-03-26T18:38:00.007-04:00

My brother reminded me today that his birthday is coming up. (April 24th) He will be 16 years old. 16 going on 30 but that's just my opinion. He thought that I may want a list of things he would be interested in getting for his birthday. He wants to make shopping easier for me, yeah right. His big ticket item is a car, well, hum... talk to mom and dad about that because it isn't coming from me. The rest of his list consisted of clothes, shoes (specifically a pair of Adidas's he has his eye on and a pair of converse), an itunes gift card (but an itunes account would be even better) and of course the gift that always fits: cold hard cash.

Once we got the birthday thing out of the way, we got down to some serious conversation.

Bro: do you think it hurts to get your penis pierced?
Me: I don't have a penis but I am guessing it does, why?
Bro: I'm thinking a diamond might look cool but what about pain and infection?
Me: ewww an infected penis would be bad.
Bro: yeah plus I hate needles. Do you think it's true that girls have a g-spot?
me: why, are you looking for one?
Bro: (laughing) just wondering. Did you read about the guy whose muscles blew up because of steroids?
Me: nope, where did you read that? stay away from steroids btw.
Bro: I saw it in a video. I'm working on my abs and looking caliente!
Me: prove it, I wanna see.
Bro: I don't take my shirt off for just anyone, there has to be a reason.
Me: shut up.
Bro: are you going to buy me something expensive for my birthday?
Me: Yeah a book that tells you about g-spots, steroids and penis piercings.
Bro: can't you just buy me new sneakers?
Me: I love you
Bro: what's not to love.

Turning 16 could be interesting.

Beliefs

2008-03-22T15:00:00.001-04:00

In the 3 years I have lived in Puerto Rico, I have seen many rainbows, many incredible sunrises and many firefly's. Last night as I watched my cat chase a firefly, the annual Good Friday procession was slowly working it's way up the mountain. There must have been about 50 people, each walking with candles, swaying back and forth, working their way up the mountain to church. It struck me rather funny, that they looked like fireflys (really big ones) in the darkness of the country road.

My isla has been virtually at a stand still this week, in honor of Holy week. (Even my idiot neighbors have been quiet) At night there has been an strange stillness, except for the sound of hymns being sung in the night. Living on this mountain top, in the country, evenings are very dark. Illumination comes from either the moon, or the street lamp outside my house, that only works on some nights. In the darkness, every time I hear the sounds of hymns or chanting going past my house, I have gone outside to watch "the masses" make their way towards the church that sits roughly a mile from my house.

I don't relate to the rituals that encompass so much of the island at this time of year but I do respect and admire the devotion and the celebration that takes place. I don't speak much about religion on this blog. It's such a multi-faceted topic that it would require it's own blog. This week I have quietly watched as those around me celebrate Easter with much religious fervor and I sit quietly, not participating, eating my easter candy.

I was brought up a good Catholic girl. I don't remember when I stopped being a good Catholic girl but I do know I have not participated in any Catholic church for a great many years. In recent years once in while I attend mass, and then quickly regret doing so. The Catholic church and I do not see eye to eye on many things. Sex, abortion, and homosexuality to name just a few. Rather than be hypocritical, I don't go to church. My views on organized religion maybe a tad agnostic and perhaps even a little on the atheist side but I certainly to not hold anything against anyone's right to practice their faith.

I won't go into my disdain or opinion on people who use religion to justify hurting others, or those zealots who think killing for a deity is OK, or even tell you my feelings about Tibet and China. Those thoughts I'll leave for another day. Today the focus is me because well, it's my blog and most things here are always about me. (ha)

This island is primarily Catholic. This week has been filled with rituals. I've watched several of them from my balcony. I've had complete strangers "bless me". I've smiled as many family members question why I don't go to church. I've tried explaining in short simple sentences not because I doubt their intelligence to understand my explanation but because who wants to bring to question someones "god" during holy week? Not I, because even a non believer plays it safe this week.

So what do I believe? I believe in being the best human I can be. I believe in compassion, charity, and unconditional love. I believe in respect for others and the planet, laughter and joy. I believe in not taking life for granted, good, bad, or indifferent, it's the only life we have. I believe in my right choose, and the freedoms I am afforded by living here. I believe there is a lesson to be learned around every corner. I believe that despite any grief, pain or injustice I may have suffered, I am fortunate to be here. And I believe in Easter candy.

Random Information Friday

2008-03-21T17:36:00.005-04:00

Pigs, that's todays topic for information Friday:

Celebrity Pigs: Miss Piggy, Piglet, Babe, Porky, Wilbur, Arnold Ziffle, Gordy, The 3 little pigs, Napoleon, Pippo.

Pigs do not have sweat glands so they roll around in mud to keep cool. (and to keep bugs from biting them)

A mother pig is called a sow, a father pig is called a boar, baby pigs are piglets and a group of pigs is called a herd.

There are pigs on every continent except Antarctica.

A pig's orgasm last 30 minutes.

All pigs have 44 teeth, can live up to 15 years, and are the fourth smarted animal group.

Insulin from the pancreas of pigs is used for diabetic humans.

Random Information Friday

2008-03-14T13:41:00.007-04:00

I'm thinking this is a new Asylum thing. Random Info Friday. This Friday it's all about me, some Fridays it may actually be helpful or useful info. Then again maybe it stops here, who knows.

Dahlias are my favorite flowers.
I learned to drive, and ride a bike as an adult.
"El vacilon de la manana" cracks me up, every time I listen.
I love caramel.
I love rain and thunder storms when I am home and in bed.
My Ipod and my computer are sometimes my best friends.
I have problem solving skills that beat the hell out of any super hero.
I meditate.
Hiking is one of my greatest joys.
I have known many extraordinary men and very few idiots.
Weak woman make me want to slap them.
I once broke a beer bottle on someones head in anger.
I have had verbal altercations at a video store, a supermarket and a hospital that required police intervention.
Champagne in the morning is a fabulous high.
I am absolutely addicted to coffee.
My favorite toy as a child was what is now known as a sock monkey, only mine had a red hat.
Sweat freaks me out.
I have never seen a baby I thought was cute.
I have protested for many causes.
I am pro choice and I don't care who doesn't agree with me.
I hate that people go hungry and sometimes it weighs heavily on me.
I wouldn't go back to high school for all the tea in china.
I don't believe in heaven or hell, unless of course I am living through one or the other.
I love cheap candy.
I make a killer cheesecake.
I hate soup.
I love sushi.
I can clean and fillet fish, I can also clean and cook octopus.
I love cheese and bread and if you add wine to that, I swoon.

Got any random info you want to share?

Still here

2008-03-04T18:57:00.003-04:00

Inquiring minds have been wondering where I am. Estoy aqui, right here, busy doing stuff, trying to live life and be true to my self in the process.

It's not easy being ~~green~~ me. Life sometimes gets in the way of blogging, but I haven't been ignoring you. I have read all your posts, gotten your emails and read your comments. But I have been silent while doing it.

Much has been happening here on my little island. There is a teachers strike, which is volatile and has caused much turmoil among the natives. It's an election year, and you know what that means, the idiots are out causing havoc. The neighbors are as stupid as ever and court action seems to be my next recourse. The asylum has been dealing with stray cats (still) and pigeons (still) and barking dogs (still).

There have been many appointments for many things, farming to do and repairs to be made. I have washed all the windows and screens. I am having trouble with my camera and am thinking I need to replace it. My Ipod is having breathing problems and I may have to replace it as well. The car needs new breaks and a tune up, as well as it's inspection time.

I have many things I want to post about, like island politics, Papito Rei, friendship, love and sex. Friendship, love and sex being completely unrelated topics. I have also been tagged with several memes which I still haven't gotten to, and I got a couple blogger award things which I haven't thanked people for.

I have been doing a little soul searching because sometimes a girl has to re-evaluate where she is in life and where she might be going. I have had some emotional highs and some lows. I have been doing some hand holding with those I love, at times long distance. (you would be surprised how even with an ocean separating you, you can hold someone close). I may be rekindling a friendship and losing another. The freedom to be yourself seems to always come at a cost, it's how high a price I am willing to pay that sometimes keeps me silent, frozen even.

I still made time to take some new pictures (even with my injured camera) for new blog headers. (this months header is a peek at what most of our cemeteries look like here on the island). I still listen to my Ipod before I fall asleep even if my sweet Ipod is dying. I still made time to smoke a nice cigar, do my hair (notice the lovely new flower headband), nothing makes a girl feel prettier than flowers in/on her hair. And today I made time to say "hello" to all of you!

I am here, my little huckleberries, still holding down, fighting, pondering, searching and loving all the craziness at the asylum.

Trump This

2008-02-17T20:22:00.004-04:00

I have never been a fan of Donald Trump. His personality always strikes me as cheesy, aberrant at best and his hair, let's not even go there. But the Donald has finally done something I can applaud. I am even debating doing my happy naked dance because this impacts the economy here on my little island in a big positive way.

Donald Trump and our governor Anibal Acevedo Vila announced a partnership to build a $600 million golf complex on the island northern coast. The new "Trump International Golf Club Puerto Rico" will be developed with a local construction company and will include 500 residences. The first 56 villas will be sold at prices starting at $1.4 million and will include access to a private jet, yacht and limousine service.

Developers will improve the golf course previously known as The Coco Beach Golf and Country Club in time to host the Puerto Rico Open, a PGA tour event.

What does this mean to Puerto Rico: JOBS, lot's of jobs, more tourism dollars, it impacts our shipping ports, air travel, and did I mention JOBS. More jobs. (a big deal since the pharmaceutical company's are leaving the island at a rapid pace).

So Mr. Trump, who cares that you always give me the hebbie jebbies. So what if you hair looks like it needs to find a better home. This Boricua is just thrilled to think our Puerto Rican economy is getting vitamin boost. Gracias for that.

Hungry

2008-02-15T19:38:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I come across an item that reminds me of an old childhood memory. I found this article about the book "Hungry Planet" by Peter Menzel. It's photos from all around the world of families surrounded by their weekly grocery purchases. It reminded of Brooklyn, nights eating white rice with a fried egg for dinner. And from the dark, deep, hidden place in my brain pan it reminded me of welfare food. The welfare food we would get as monthly staples. YUCK! Large cans of peanut butter, big one pound blocks of butter, powdered milk, powdered potato's and the ever scary extra large can of chipped beef. Chipped beef ... what the fuck, it looked ominous even in the can. (Perhaps that is where my distaste for beef comes from.) Now that I think about it, having white rice with a fried egg was actually tasty compared to chipped beef or worse, not eating at all.

The pictures from Menzel's book are an amazing glimpse into what people spend on food and what they buy. Family budgets ranging from $500.00 a week to $1.23 a week. Imagine $1.23 to feed your family. And I complain about the chipped beef of my childhood.

I am often surprised at the amount of food that goes to waste here on my island. Food grows on the side of the road all across this island. Food rots right where if grows. Yet people go hungry. I grow avocados, several types of bananas, pineapples, oranges, tangerines, grapefruit, plantains, all sorts of root vegetables, mangoes, lemons, star fruit, sour sop, and papayas. I never let a visitor leave without giving them some fruit to go. I share with the neighbors. I bring extra fruit and veggies to the baseball park and let strangers take what they want. Seeing fresh fruit go to waste scares me.

I remember being hungry, and what it felt like to be a kid and watch others enjoy special treats, salivating and imagining what it must taste like, what it must feel like to go out and just buy whatever you felt like eating, whenever you felt like eating it. What freedom. Life being the incredible adventure that it is has allowed me to now be that person, you know the one that can buy what she wants when she wants. What freedom. I can choose to eat anything and pay whatever. Yet people go hungry and I sometimes feel guilty. Even more guilty now after reading "The Hungry Planet".

More than 840 million people in the world are malnourished — 799 million of them live in the developing world
More than 153 million of the world's malnourished people are children under the age of 5.
Six million children under the age of 5 die every year as a result of hunger.
Malnutrition can severely affect a child's intellectual development. Malnourished children often have stunted growth and score significantly lower on math and language achievement tests than do well-nourished children.
Lack of dietary diversity and essential minerals and vitamins also contributes to increased child and adult mortality. Vitamin A deficiency impairs the immune system, increasing the annual death toll from measles and other diseases by an estimated 1.3 million-2.5 million children.
While every country in the world has the potential of growing enough food to feed itself, 54 nations currently do not produce enough food to feed their populations, nor can they afford to import the necessary commodities to make up the gap. Most of these countries are in sub-Saharan Africa.
Most of the widespread hunger in a world of plenty results from grinding, deeply rooted poverty. In any given year, however, between 5 and 10 percent of the total can be traced to specific events: droughts or floods, armed conflict, political, social and economic disruptions.

So when you see me at Starbucks buying a venti iced caramel macchiato and complaining about the cost of imported extra virgin olive oil, feel free to tell me to shut the fuck up.

Happy Love day

2008-02-14T13:12:00.000-04:00

What better way to celebrate Love day ... one of my parent's favorite love songs.

Coqui, Coqui

2008-02-09T08:26:00.000-04:00

We are a two car family here at the asylum. A 1998 white station wagon and a 2005 XL7. We use to be a one car family when in 2005 a snake decided it wanted to live in the station wagon. Although we did mange to get the snake out, no one wanted to ride in the station wagon for fear of retaliation from the snake and it's brethren. So we did what any ~~crazy~~ sane human would do, we bought a new car.

For sentimental reasons I would still take the station wagon for short scenic drives, but I always went alone because everyone feared that snakes were still in residence. I almost plunged off a cliff to my fiery death on a few occasions when I thought I felt something cold and wiggly lick my leg, (but that's a whole other story) still I felt the car should be taken out for a spin once in a while. That's just how I am, loyal.

One afternoon while washing/cleaning the station wagon we found several coqui's had made their home in side the car. We don't fear coqui's as much as snakes so we gingerly managed to catch them and set them free. (you can learn more about coqui's here) On a few other occasions another snake was found, a few more coqui and a spider, a big hairy tarantula, so now the car just sits, parked for all eternity. I draw the line at sharing a car with tarantulas. The station wagon has been given up to the reptiles and arachnids that have taken it hostage.

The car sat there for several months until recently. I decided it was just wrong to let the creepy crawlers win. I must take it back. I am woman, hear me roar, I ain't afraid of a few creepy crawlies. I washed the outside of the car and then mustered up the courage to tackle the inside, this is what I found : the coqui that once was.

Now I'm thinking we are a one car family. The station wagon will soon sport a "for sale" sign. Something about dead coqui's just gives me the creeps. Are there dead snakes in there? What about the spiders? What if some of these creatures are alive and well, feasting on the creatures weaker than them? Do you think I need to disclose any of this to the new buyer? Or should I just giggle as they drive away, knowing that at any moment they may feel something cold and wiggly licking their leg?

Oh Brother!

2008-02-07T15:06:00.000-04:00

I have a fabulous 15 year old brother. OK, the truth is that sometimes he is fabulous and sometimes he is the spawn of Satan. But I guess that is what 15 year old boys are suppose to be like. He is madly in love these days which means he spends all his free time on his cell phone talking or sending text messages to some girl named Jorely. He is a funny, athletic, smart young man but as a consequence of being a teenager he is at times completely self absorbed. It's all about him, how he looks, how cool he is and of course how fashionable he is. He's a clothes horse and his love of shoes almost rivals mine, almost. He is also into colognes, I swear some mornings a cloud of his latest scent enters the room before he does!

In his attempt to set him self apart from all the other ~~spawns of Satan~~ young teenage men showing interest in young teenage girls, he got a star... a big star shaved into the side of his head. Now I don't remember what it was like to be 15, but I think I would have probably been impressed with a boy who shaved a star on the side of his head, then again maybe not.But wait, there's more, no one told me when I signed on for the "get a free brother" thing at social services that in accepting that cute little 2 year old, every year he would continue to grow and age and I would live through it all with him. Damn. I am now reliving high school crushes, broken hearts, homework hell, sex talks and more sex talks. I find myself saying things like "yes, I suppose getting a star shaved on the side of your head is impressive to a 15 year girl". "yes, I think you look great in those new jeans and no, you can never have enough converse sneakers". "yes, always, always wear condoms, boy's who don't are stupid". "Please delete that marijuana leaf picture from your cell phone". "No, I will not talk to your parents about letting you go spend the night at some persons house who we don't know, even if you claim they are really nice people, Ted Bundy was nice too and look how that turned out". "yes, trigonometry sucks but you still need to do your homework". " No, I am not going to buy you another pair of shoes, even if you need them to match the new shirt and jeans I bought you last week". The list just goes on and on.

No one told me having a little brother would keep me awake nights, drive me to drink, make me swear more than usual, laugh hysterically, fill up with pride at his accomplishments, marvel at the human he is becoming, love him unconditionally and smile when I look at pictures of his "star".

You are the berries

2008-01-30T00:18:00.000-04:00

My darling huckleberries, you have proven once again that bonds are made even through cyberspace. Muchas gracias for the hugs, besos and deep breaths.

I would love to thank each of you by sending lavish expensive gifts or washing your car, cleaning your house, perhaps even teaching you my naked happy dance but alas that just isn't realistic.

So instead ... Gracias for being the best bunch of huckleberries a girl could ever dream of knowing. In fact you are so groovy, you are better than a plain huckleberry, you are chocolate covered!

A little bit lost

2008-01-13T18:42:00.000-04:00

The last few days have been difficult ones. I will not go into all the details right now because it overwhelms me with sadness. I will say that it involves the passing of a dear and very special friend. I remember his voice and the laughs we shared on Christmas day and I can't fathom not hearing him again. I cry, I cry way too often and easily these days. It makes me very uncomfortable. I hurt because I can't make things better for his wife, my dear "comadre de mi alma". I hurt because death has become an all too familiar event in my life.

There are moments when I focus on the life that was. Moments shared, conversations held during long sleepless nights, his wisdom and his ever so quirky sense of humor. I am grateful that he was in my life. Grateful that he touched my heart. Grateful to have known him. Yet I can't seem to find much solace in those thoughts. Perhaps it's too new, and "time heals all wounds". Yes, time, perhaps a little time. Then again time only makes things a little more numb, I don't think it heals anything.

I struggle with the belief that he may be in a better place. Those that know me well, know this is a concept I don't really buy into. I struggle with what he left behind. I struggle with the emptiness. I struggle with the pain and anguish I heard in my comadre's voice when she told me. I struggle and I cry. It's been an emotional time.

So my little huckleberries, keep checking in, let me know how you are doing, I'll be reading your blogs but perhaps not commenting, I'll get around to the meme's I've been tagged with as soon as I feel up to it. In the mean time, tell me something sweet, or funny even, I can use the laugh.

Sending you "besos" from the asylum, where there's even more "locura" than usual.

Los tres Reyes Magos

2008-01-02T19:49:00.000-04:00

I am guessing that most of you are getting back to your "normal" post holiday routines, not so for things at the Asylum. Here on my little island the party continues and will continue until January 6th. (a little longer for those with more traditional catholic fervor than yours truly). January 6th is "el dia de los Reyes" (3 kings day). We will continue to celebrate (in the most outrageous of holiday spirits) until the 3 kings deliver fabulous presents ( Santa was just a teaser) and we eat, drink and party "'till the cows come home" or the roosters crow letting us know that it's almost sun up and time to sleep.

Trying to get anything done in this country is never an easy task, but from thanksgiving until after 3 kings day, it's just a complete waste of time. Don't even try to conduct some sort of business, it will only make you want to "go postal" (which is usually frowned upon, more so during the holiday season). Nothing gets done during the holidays, most of the island is busy cooking special foods, having parties and staying somewhat inebriated.

30 years ago a child growing up in Puerto Rico didn't know about or care about Santa Claus. January 6th was the most special day, the day when the 3 Kings would arrive to deliver gifts to the baby Jesus and on their way would stop to drop off a gift for each child. Children would find boxes and fill them with hay for the camels, place them by/under their beds on the 5th and wake up to gifts left by "los Reyes".

The tradition of "los Reyes" is taken very seriously here on my island. The catholic church declared the Magi saints and gave each his own feast day. On the days following 3 kings day the octavas and the octavitas are celebrated to honor the magi. "Los Reyes mago" from the Persian magu meaning magician, also the name applied to the 3 wise men in the bible who followed the star of Bethlehem. The bible story does not name them nor give their number but Christian tradition from about the 7th century names the 3 kings Melchior, Gaspar and Balthazar.

Since Christmas day, every day, every where I go I am surround by the Magi. I even saw them live and in person at the mall Sunday, they replaced Santa by the Christmas tree and of course in the holiday tradition for about $7 you can have your picture taken with them. Their beards fit just as poorly as Santa's did but their colorful robes were much more rockin' then Santa's red and white suit.

If I don't post too often between now and el dia de los 3 Reyes Mago, please know that it's not you, it's all about me ... me and my quest for the perfect box. The box I will lovingly fill with fresh hay, the box big enough to fit a few precious jewels, a couple pair of blahniks, a little white chocolate, a plane ticket and a $50 iTunes gift card. And anything else the magi think I am worthy of, after all, I have been a very good girl.

May You ...

2008-01-01T08:46:00.001-04:00

Rise above the small things and find strength and courage to conquer the big things.
Be surrounded by peace and joy.
Find, enjoy, relish love and loved ones.
Live your best life.
Happy New Year my little huckleberries.

Feliz Navidad

2007-12-25T05:58:00.000-04:00

Merry Christmas, May it be a joyous day.

HO HO HO

2007-12-24T11:19:00.000-04:00

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish & Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total -378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes that there’s at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with. This is due to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits/second. That is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has .001 second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

4) Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles/household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles; not counting stops to do what most of us do at lease once every 31 hours, plus eating etc. So Santa’s sleigh must be moving at 650 miles/second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles/second. A conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles/hour.

5) If every one of the 91.8 million homes with good children were to put out a single chocolate chip cookie and an 8 ounce glass of 2% milk, the total calories (needless to say other vitamins and minerals) would be approximately 225 calories (100 for the cookie, give or take, and 125 for the milk, give or take). Multiplying the number of calories per house by the number of homes (225 x 91.8 x 1000000), we get the total number of calories Santa consumes that night, which is 20,655,000,000 calories. To break it down further, 1 pound is equal to 3500 calories. Dividing our total number of calories by the number of calories in a pound (20655000000 / 3500) and we get the number of pounds Santa gains, 5901428.6, which is 2950.7 tons.

6) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 lb.), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300lb. Even granting that “flying reindeer” (see #1) can pull 10 TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with 8, or even 9, reindeer. We need 214,200. This increases the payload - not counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. This is four times the weight of the ocean-liner Queen Elizabeth.

7) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles/second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within .00426 of a second. Meanwhile, Santa, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 lb. Santa, being very conservative in terms of guessing Santa’s weight, would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 lb. of force. If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.

(Doing my part to keep you informed.)

Para Susan

2007-12-18T05:49:00.000-04:00

In Your honor, a little Mae West:

"A dame that knows the ropes, isn't likely to get tied up".
"Between two evils I always pick the one I never tried before".
"I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to be sure".
"I'm no model lady, a model is just an imitation of the real thing".

Happy Birthday, wishing you a wonderful day.

Arbolito

2007-12-15T18:52:00.000-04:00

Bah humbug. I am not too fond of the Christmas holiday season. I am convinced it has lost all it's magic and true meaning but that's a whole other kettle of fish. As a child it was a different story. Christmas was magical and full of love and family. Gifts were never a big deal. We were poor so gifts were very simple and cheap and mostly home made. It was a good year when under the tree on Christmas morning I found candy or something to read. Growing up the holiday was all about the traditions, the culture, family and the Christmas tree. Oh, our Christmas tree, now there was a sight to be hold. Today the only thing that still excites me about this bah humbug holiday is the Christmas tree. I love looking at Christmas trees, and I've always loved having one. The twinkle of the lights, the ornaments, the always personal tree topper. I love Christmas trees.

Growing up in Brooklyn, getting the tree was the highlight of my year. We almost never got a tree before Christmas eve. They were much cheaper if you waited until the very last minute to buy one. Of course this also meant that what was left in the tree lot was a sad version of a "Charlie Brown tree". Getting a tree was a family affair, we always walked together to the same tree lot on Linden Boulevard. We spent so much time lingering among the little lifeless skinny trees left that by the time we decided we were all shivering. Should we get that scrawny little one or this scrawny little one? The absolute cheapest tree they had, that's the one we got. It was always the ugliest, scrawniest, most pathetic tree on the lot. But to me, it was beautiful and full of magic. We would carry our tree all the way home, singing Christmas carol's all the way.

Where to put the tree once we got it home was never an issue, anywhere in the living that was close to a plug. We didn't need to make room for it as there wasn't anything in the living except a couple kitchen chairs, a black and white TV and a stereo. That stereo was our prize possession. Music has always played in my life. My parents would play typical Puerto Rican music, aguinaldos (folk type carols), plenas (also folkloric music influenced by African and Spanish music), some Ramito, Chuito de Bayamon, and mixed in was a little "white christmas", "We three Kings"and "Jingle bells".

Our decorations were handmade, mostly stuff we had made in school, a construction paper multi-colored chain and sometimes some angel hair. Angel hair made you itch if you touched it for too long but when illuminated by the twinkling lights, it was mesmerizing. The tree topper was an angel my mom had bought, it had a plastic head, with blond hair, and mesh wings, and lights in it's little plastic hands and it cost $1.00. I still have that angel, the lights don't work, it's blond hair is mostly missing, and the mesh has holes, but I still have it.

Our tree was lit every single night and all day long on weekends. We ate dinner sitting near it, in fact if I was home I could always be found near it. We kept it until January 8th. (January 6th was 3 kings day and the 7th my birthday) By January 8th, it was lopsided and had little to no needles. It was a sad day when we said goodbye to it.

As the pretend adult I now am, Christmas trees still excite me. My Christmas tree is a work of art. It is big and tall, expensive and fake. ( I live in the tropics my little huckleberries, a real tree would be dead in minutes.) Every single light and ornament placed in just the perfect spot. Almost every ornament has a reason or meaning for being part of my tree. I spend hours making it look perfect. (of course "perfect" is a relative term). The top still holds an angel, a pretty porcelain one, with delicate features. My childhood angel now retired due to it's fragile condition.

Every time I walk by a Christmas tree, every time I stop to look at one, I am reminded of my family. I can hear us singing, and laughing. I remember that "Charlie Brown tree" of my childhood and marvel at the magic it brought to my house every single Christmas. The magic tree that once it came into our home wasn't scrawny and sad but tall and full and beautiful. The magic tree that shared our love and was an honored guest. I am EsLocura and I love Christmas trees. (I wonder if there's a help group for that).

When it rains ...

2007-12-11T18:39:00.000-04:00

Tropical storm Olga has been visiting the island, this is the river near my house. It is normally very clear water but due to the rain and our red clay like soil, it's not looking too pretty.

That's the bridge I need to cross to get into town, I had to take the "long" route to town today.

The waterfall that sprouted where once there was none.

At least I still have an internet connection.

One year ago today

2007-12-08T19:03:00.000-04:00

Sweet cracker sandwich, "Eslocura's Asylum" is one year old today! Pretty fucking amazing if you ask me or any of the ~~hundreds~~ few people who read this blog. So what has the past blogging year been like you ask? Well let me tell ya ...

It all started out about me, and it's still all about me. I have shared all sorts of stuff, written about my heartache, my insomnia, stupid people, animals/pets, Puerto Rico, family, friends, fruit, and my childhood. I have done a whole bunch of memes. I have cursed a whole fucking bunch, and been proud of it. I have met my goal of not censoring myself as various friends and family became readers. (this I am even more proud of then the fucking swearing thing). I've touched upon many topics and I've written some filler stuff while my "muse" took a vacation. Blogging has been a fun adventure, a place to vent and be creative.

The best part of blogging: all of you. All the little huckleberries who take the time to read the "Asylum", who leave such encouraging, witty and smart comments. Thank you! Thanks for adding some sanity, thanks for adding more craziness, thanks for making me laugh. Thank you to my family and friends, who keep reading and coming back for more. Thank you to my fellow bloggers. Each one of you has in some way become part of the Asylum. I am very grateful. (now is a good time to lift your champagne glass) Here's to "EsLocura's Asylum", all hail the possibilities of the next twelve months!

Something close to nada

2007-11-27T22:12:00.000-04:00

I am having trouble with animals lately.

Pigeons: I am having a problem with pigeons. Lot's of pigeons. They have taken to hanging out by my back stairs. You can not imagine the amount of pigeon poop outside the back door every single day. It has gotten so bad that some days I think I am better off hurling my self in the air and not actually stepping on the stairs to avoid the pigeon poop. I have tried all sorts of things to be rid of them. I bought a big ugly plastic owl, hung him in a most menacing way and the pigeons basically laughed at the owl and of course by default me. That damn owl cost me $30.00 now he is just an annoyance to my cat. I tried tying black trash bags to the stairs because someone told me the movement and the noise would scare them off. Not! (OK maybe for one day there were less pigeons around) I then resorted to less humane ways. I put down some sticky gooey stuff. This miracle pigeon repellent would make the pigeons little feet stick to the steps (no, not permanently) just long enough to make them hate me and their sad little lives and fly off to someone else's house. This gooey stuff cost $120.00. The pigeons stepped in the goo, pulled their little feet out and then laughed hysterically as lizards got caught in the goo and died a slow death. I love lizards, I hate pigeons so I power washed all the goo away. Last month I am sad to say I resorted to poison ... yes my little huckleberries, my name is EsLocura and I am a pigeon killer. In my defense I must tell you that there is/was tons of pigeon poop on my stairs and it smells, it smells real bad, I was desperate. The poison killed 2 pigeons and the survivors went out and got back up pigeons to fill in the gaps. I bought a pellet gun, not to kill but to scare. The pigeons mocked me. They were afraid the first 2-3 times now they just turn around and stare at me. I think the pigeons are winning.

Dogs: The neighbors dog is driving me nuts. His bark ( I use that term loosely) is a high pitched, cause a noise bleed sort of bark. And he barks constantly. Day and night. It doesn't help that his owners are complete idiots (idiots being the kindest word I can use).The poor dog is tied to a fence with a 4ft leash. Most days he doesn't have water and I don't think he eats too well or too often. I have spoken to the neighbors, asked if they could perhaps move the dog to someplace where I can not hear him. I have offered to buy the dog, find it a good home. I give it water when I know they are not home and food when I can but that fucking barking gives me a pounding headache. And the fucking neighbors just don't care. Yesterday was the last straw, after almost 4 hours of nonstop barking, I went outside determine to tell my neighbors that I was contacting animal control. No one was home so I just set the dog free. Yes, I untied him and let him go. Of course who should come home but the neighbors, who quickly tied the poor dog back up. He's barking as I type!

Cats: I love my cat, he isn't the problem. There is a stray cat who is a problem. This stray showed up as many strays have and I fed him. (big mistake) Next day he was back with a friend. I fed them both. (mistake) This continued for about a month. Then one stray disappeared and the other stray decided that he felt so at home, he was going to come upstairs to my house. (mistake on the cat's part) My cat hangs out on the balcony, the stray tried to steal my cats food, a fight ensued, I run outside, scared the stray away. This lovely scenario has played out for a week. I am now no longer feeding the stray and taking the water hose to it when ever I spot him near my house. I haven't wet him, just scared him. But he just keeps coming back annoying my cat and pissing me off. I am now thinking I need to catch the stray and take him for a scenic long drive to the next town. ( I would of course feed him first)

Roosters: There are too many cocks on the farm. And too many cocks means plenty of fighting. All my chickens are free range, no coops for them except for the sick hens or injured roosters. Roosters like most males of any species are territorial and don't like having competition for the hens attention. Roosters fight to the death. It gets very bloody. Nothing puts a damper on my day like coming across an injured bloody or dead rooster. This problem was solved (for now) by my cousin Jose. Jose came over and caught 6 roosters to lessen the cock population. He used one rooster with a string tied around one leg, to lure other roosters into his trap. There are now only 4 roosters and about 30 hens. Better odds, happier roosters, less fighting.So what's a girl to do? I don't mistreat animals. (I've made peace with the 2 dead pigeons) I don't want to mean and angry. I don't want to become Eslocura the murderer, I so much prefer the Queen title but I am getting desperate. Got any ideas on solutions to my animal conundrums?

I still have nada

2007-11-26T22:36:00.000-04:00

Yes, it's another night of nada. I am so tired and sleepy but I wanted to stop in and say "hey". Now I am going to try and sleep, wish me luck, sandman doesn't want to visit my padded cell. woe is me. Anyone have a bedtime story? Anyone have a sure fire way to help induce sleep?

Pretty flowers ...huh.

If Only ...

2007-11-25T18:59:00.000-04:00

... It were this simple.

I got nada

2007-11-24T20:06:00.001-04:00

There is a full moon tonight and that is all I have for you, sad but true. Feel free to fill in the awkward silence with whatever you have on your mind tonight.

WTF

2007-11-23T19:07:00.000-04:00

I'm tired tonight, didn't get much sleep last night, and I was busy all day. I don't feel well, I have a little bit of an ear ache and I am in a pretty bad mood. The neighbor's dog will not shut the fuck up, and every one of his clangorous, piercing, high pitched barks make me want to stick a hot poker in my eye because I am convinced that would be more soothing than his bark! As for my neighbors I have an ever growing strong dislike for them. (not all my neighbors are stupid, just this one family). I don't want to fill these pages with the bile of even more negativity so I am off to watch some junk on Television. Hope your day and night are/were better than mine. We'll chat tomorrow, I'll try and be in a better mood.

"Get your Gobble on"

2007-11-22T06:30:00.000-04:00

Have a wonderful day.
("get your gobble on" was stolen from over at Kofi's place)

Scent

2007-11-21T05:07:00.000-04:00

As the end of the year draws near, it seems we are surrounded by a plethora of smells. All the holiday cooking smells that bring about warm and fuzzy feelings for most people. I remember the smell of winter back on the east coast, pine trees and pine cones, or maybe it was just a Yankee candle but still I love the fresh smell of pine. Hot chocolate on on snowy night, yum. The smell of that thanksgiving turkey. Cinnamon reminds me of hot apple cider. How about the scent of bread baking or perhaps even cookies? Holiday food smells conjure up many memories.

Of course there are many foul smells in the world but lets not get into those, let's focus on the sweet smells, the smells that remind you of something or someone special. I do believe our sense of smell is essential to our humanity, social interactions, survival, and relationships.

The scent of your lover as you nuzzle his neck, complete sweetness that reminds you how lucky you are. The scent of fresh coffee first thing in the morning, it's a new day. The scent of roast pork in the oven always reminds that I am home. Clothes that were dried outside, I love that clean fresh scent. Aramis cologne always reminds me of my dad. The scent of roses or rose oil as well as lavender reminds me of Yolanda (aka Yogi), a spirited soul who I have been blessed to be friends with. Frying cheese and bacon reminds me of the comadres, and the love we share.

Yes, my little huckleberries this time of year is filled with scents that evoke some sort of emotion or memory. What scents give you that warm and fuzzy feeling, or remind you of a person or moment from the past?

Discovery

2007-11-20T11:03:00.000-04:00

The word Jibaro is commonly used in Puerto Rico to refer to mountain peasants. The jibaro has come to represent the Puerto Rican people in all their historic, ethnic and cultural complexity. The image of a jíbaro is used in all forms of Puerto Rican art, including this monument in Cayey.

This week here on the island we are celebrating the discovery of Puerto Rico.

On September 25, 1493, Christopher Columbus set sail on his second voyage to the new world with 17 ships and around 1,200-1,500 men. Columbus landed on this island on November 19, 1493. He named it San Juan Bautista (in honor of the John the baptist). During the 1520s, the island took the name of Puerto Rico which means "rich port". The island was inhabited before it's discovery by the Taino and Arawak Indians. Who were eventually all defeated in battle and subjugated. Badly mistreated by the Spaniards, they died out as a labor force and the role o f the Indian was taken over by the African sla ves.The discovery of Puerto Rico is an official island holiday, which was celebrated yesterday (Nov. 19th), all government offices were closed and there was no school. Today almost all the schools are having celebrations in honor of our discovery. These celebrations honor the Jibaro, our food, our history and our culture. Children dress up as Indians, and Jibaros. (I have yet to see anyone dress up as Columbus). There is a pot luck luncheon with everyone bringing food that represents our origins. I watched today as kids proudly wore clothes representing our history, carrying Puerto Rican flags, and carrying food, wh ose aroma made me hungry for something other than cereal this morning.

I have plenty to say about our commonwealth status and our conflicts in keeping culture alive despite the influence of the United States but I'll save that for another time. For today I am rejoicing in the discovery of my island, my home.

Pajamas

2007-11-19T07:08:00.000-04:00

I just got this lovely award from Hearts. This is what she says about me:

"Eslocura at Eslocura's Asylum would wear baby doll pajamas in wine silk with matching ashtray for that ubiquitous cigar."

Now you have to admit that's pretty funny. Heart is like that, very funny. (when she isn't on her death bed, and frankly, even then she cracks me up).
So lets talk about pajamas, shall we? I don't wear pajamas to bed, I'm a sleep naked kinda girl. But I love pajamas. I wear them around the house, out on the farm, while cooking, reading, listening to music, showering, (OK not when I am showering, just checking to see if you were paying attention.) I have had meetings in my pajamas and many deep philosophical conversations. I also have been known to use pajamas as a lead in for other "extra curricular activity". (wink wink nudge nudge, know what I mean) I wear boxer shorts and t shirts, silky sexy pj's, I have even worn flannel pajamas with feet. I do wear baby doll pajamas and yes, of course I have ashtrays to match. Duh, where else would I flick that ubiquitous ash? (ubiquitous, say it with me ... ubiquitous, it's a groovy word).

Did you know that pajamas were introduced in England as lounging attire in the 17th century, making the scene around the 1880's in the western world as sleeping attire for men and the word pajama was originally spelled pyjama? (You can thank me later for that little bit of trivia.)

Thank you "Heart" for the award, I do appreciate it, you are the "cat's pyjamas".

The "6" Meme

2007-11-18T04:25:00.000-04:00

My "guilty 6's", I stole this from Hearts blog.

Six guilty pleasures no one would suspect me of having:

I love Hostess white powdered donettes and Hostess cupcakes.
My love of writing. (until this blog, of course)
I have to touch things. Information is never complete until I add the sense of touch.
I buy items/food for people in need and drop them off, anonymously.
Being naked, sleeping naked, naked.
Starbucks, iced caramel nonfat macchiato.

Six guilty pleasures I wish I had the courage to indulge:

Scuba diving or sky diving.
An entire week (or 2) alone.
Putting my own needs ahead of everyone else's.
Sharing my poetry.
Sailing around the Caribbean.
100 uninterrupted days with "you know who you are".

Six pleasures I once considered guilty but have either abandoned or made peace with:

Premarital anything.
Not participating in any organized religion.
Lazy days spent doing nothing but napping.
Swearing a whole lot, in 2 languages.
Drinking and smoking when I feel like it.
Fighting the system.

This was a lot harder than it looked. Feel free to steal it, pass it along, whatever.

Because I know you've been wondering

2007-11-17T09:27:00.000-04:00

Tired

2007-11-16T18:46:00.000-04:00

I'm tired, been up since 2AM, it's been a long day, go away, come back tomorrow, I'll have something to say by then.

What if ...

2007-11-15T05:38:00.000-04:00

What if ...

You realize that outfit you thought made you hot, really sucks?
The love of your life has left the building and you did nothing to stop him?
Chocolate is a health food?
The one thing you have been searching for, was never within reach?
Ice cream has anti-aging properties?
There is no God?
Butterflies are reincarnated love ones?
PETA dropped off the face of the earth?
Money really does buy happiness?
You have to pick between doing the right thing and losing your best friend?
President Bush is an evil troll in disguise?
They opted for truthful concerned conversation instead of silent snubbing?
Everyone has a twin?
Purple and Yellow polka dots are your colors?
Bill Gates takes over the world and we are all forced to use Microsoft shit?
Your iPod blows up?
Ghosts do exist?
Pepsi wins the cola wars?
You can go home again?
Sex is the only road to true enlightenment?
The freedom for full expression of your personality was the norm?
Rum is the elixir of the gods?
A peaceful, nurturing planet is light years away?
My fucked up noisy neighbors became decent, quiet, thoughtful people?
I had a chance to meet each and everyone of you?
The love of my vida and I lived happily ever after and no one rejoiced?
Everyone took a turn helping someone less fortunate?
There was an end to world hunger/Aids/genocide?
Happiness was easily achieved?

What if?

NaBloPoMo (less 6 days)

2007-11-14T19:19:00.000-04:00

My last post was on November 8th. If you do the math, that's about 6 days ago. I screwed up my NaBloPoMo commitment by 6 days. I am sorry, normally I am much more responsible but sometimes life just gets in the way of blogging. For the 2-3 of you that read my last post, my parting words were something about picking tangerines and grapefruits. That's where I left off ... this is where it continues.

Last I remember it was Thursday, November 8th. It was a bright, sunny, lovely morning. Perfect day for picking citrus. I put on my farm clothes and headed to the finca. (finca=farm) I think I had already filled a large sack with grapefruits, and another with tangerines and was working my way towards the lemons, when I saw the first flash of light. This is where things get a little cloudy. It was as if a large oval shape shiny flying object had landed on my farm. I couldn't move, I wanted to move, perhaps even scream, but I couldn't. It was as if someone or perhaps something had control of my body.

I can't remember most of the last 6 days but I can share with you the few bits and pieces that seem to be a part of where I may have been for the last 6 days (instead of fulfilling my duty to NaBloPoMo). I remember little green men, I think they had foreign accents, although I don't recall seeing their lips move. I remember a hallway of ~~shame~~ photographs of people I somehow thought I knew. I could swear (although the memory is a bit foggy) that I saw I picture of Dagromm in his bunny suit. Then I spotted a group photo of the quad, I can't tell you what Q was doing in the photo because the sheer thought makes me ill. There was a photo of Susan, this of course was basked in sunlight, and although I have never actually met her, the person in the picture was proudly displaying her wares so who else could it be but Susan, right?

The little green men led me through the hallway and into a conference room. I think the chupacabra was there, as was the Pillsbury dough boy( I seem to recall a look of angst on his little dough face, what is it with aliens and anal probes?), the Michelin tire man, that big marshmallow guy from the ghostbuster movie, a wookie and Sigourney Weaver. Everyone was in various "probing positions". Again my memory seems to fail me somewhat here. I do recall reaching for my switchblade, because duh ... I am Puerto Rican, I never leave home without it. Then before I knew it I woke up today in my bed surrounded by sacks of fruit. go figure ...

The good news is I am back, the bad news is I can't figure out how to get all this marshmallow out of my hair.

In comments, how goes it with you? miss me? ever been abducted by little green men?

Food Ramblings

2007-11-08T06:35:00.000-04:00

Let's talk about food. I love good food. Some people may even claim that I am a bit of a food snob. And perhaps they are right, but I like to think I am just more opinionated about food then some people. I have been lucky enough to have lived in some awesome food cities, namely New York and Boston and of course Puerto Rico.

I will try almost any kind of food once, twice if I am unsure. I love most vegetables and almost all fruits. I don't care for red meat much but I can eat fish everyday. I've taken a few cooking classes. I've learned to make Sushi, Sicilian specialties, and vegetarian meals. I am not so good at making deserts except for a killer New York style cheesecake.

I do think that fresh ingredients are always best. I do think there is a big difference between expensive olive oil and cheap olive oil. I feel the same way about balsamic vinegar. I do think the more "natural" the better. I am not a fan of processed foods, or fast food.

I am not able to get somethings here but luckily friends and family are always willing to ship things to me. My cousin Tony supplies me with Italian cold cuts, and my cousin Olga has made sure I don't run out of Orzo and acini de pepe. (for my chicken soup)

I love bread and I am rather fond of crackers so all those diets that claim I should not have bread can kiss my butt. I don't care for anything peanut butter flavored but I do like peanut butter. I love jelly bellies. I love cheap chocolate bars (twix bars are my favorite) but I don't like chocolate deserts. I love flan and creme brulee.

I enjoy going to nice restaurants and ordering appetizers. I love pizza. I love salads. (along with a nice glass of wine, red, I don't care much for white.) I've eaten alligator, rattlesnake and crickets. I've tired parts of animals that should be thrown away. (sometimes that "when in Rome" thing doesn't work in your favor)

I love rice and potatoes. I don't like turnips or parsnips. I love a good Barbecue, grilling is another of my cooking skills. I can also fillet fish like a pro. I am allergic to scallops but eat all other shellfish. I love octopus and squid especially grilled or in a salad. Roast Pork ala Puerto Rican is to die for.

I love eggs Benedict, and real maple syrup, but not together. I once ate my way through New Orleans and drank bloody Mary's served with a plethora of garnishes. I don't buy any fruit in supermarkets except for apples because nothing tastes as good as what I grow, sadly I don't grow apples.

I'm done rambling for now, I've got chickens to feed, tangerines and grapefruit to pick, talk among yourselves ...

Realization

2007-11-07T06:04:00.000-04:00

I just realized that Christmas is 49 days away, and I am not happy about it. The stores have been showing signs of this event for at least a month. The towns are already putting up their decorations. The shopping circulars are already claiming Christmas sales. It annoys me. It all just annoys me. Is it too soon to start saying "bah humbug"?.

Family

2007-11-06T05:20:00.000-04:00

I had reason today to see my father's brother and sisters. They once were a very large family, today there are only 5. They are all well into their 70's , for some 80 is around the corner. They all have many health issues, you might even say "fragile" health. As I stood around and watched them interact, two things stood out: love and laughter. They shared stories of their various aches and pains, and lamented the passing of family members. They reminisced about their childhood, and old friends. Above all they laughed and smiled and basked in the love of being together.

I am most times surprised at the closeness of such a large extended family as mine. I ponder how so many people, who are so vastly different from one another, united by a bloodline, have forged such lasting relationships. Our history started here on this island and through out the years many of us have returned, determined to continue where the last generation left off.

There are few aunts and uncles left but the cousins ... the cousins number in the gazillions (if you include both first and second cousins and all their kids). We, this generation are picking up the torch. We are all well versed in our culture and traditions. We can name most, if not all of our ancestors and what part of Puerto Rico they came from. We still cook and crave traditional Puerto Rican food, no matter what part of the world we find ourselves in. We revel in each other's triumphs and share in each other's sorrows. We are family.

My cousin Tony was here for a visit in October. He lives in Connecticut. He could have gone on a cruise with his wife Michelle and instead came to Puerto Rico with his 4 kids because he wanted them to "see" where he came from. He wanted them to experience their roots. (OK, maybe there were times during the trip when he wished he was cruising without the kids but still his heart was here.) He took them everywhere on the island. They went to all the sights, and they spent time with family. They checked out the pigs and livestock, they walked round the farm and picked fruit. Tony wanted to keep that connection to our culture alive in yet another generation.

My cousins reunion in Vegas is yet another example of our family ties. Some of the cousins had not seen each other in close to 30 years, yet from the moment we all arrived to the moment we said our good-byes, we were family. We talked endlessly about our lives and our culture. We filled each other in on family history. We spoke of the diversity of who we are, and the different paths some have chosen. We discussed (for hours) the craziness of belonging to this family.

Today, while I watched the last surviving aunts and uncles, I realized we had come full circle. From the aunts and uncles to Tony's visit to the cousins reunion, we loved and we laughed. Each generation doing their part to keep family and culture alive.

I am blessed and proud to be Boricua and carry this family name.

Utah

2007-11-05T04:39:00.000-04:00

Recently, I went hiking at one of my most favorite places, Zion National Park in Utah. I love hiking. Nothing makes me feel more at peace then nature. Zion is absolutely beautiful. My favorite trail is Angel's landing, it's about a 5 mile hike, and has an elevation gain of 1520 feet. Here's a look at one of the things that makes me happy, my recent Zion adventure.

Fashion Sense?

2007-11-04T07:06:00.000-04:00

I am not a fashion guru, and I have never played one on T.V. I am sure that there is a thing or 2 I need to learn about fashion but I do know there are some things that are just wrong.

What my fashion sense tells me:

If you weigh over 200 lbs. you are NOT a size 6, stop trying to pretend you are.
Unless you have 6 pack abs, shirts that expose your midriff are a definite fashion DON'T.
Try to age gracefully, dress your age.
Low rise jeans are great but butt cracks are exclusively for plumbers.
Pick a season and go with it, you really don't need to wear boots with your bathing suit.
Trying matching colors or go monochromatic. Some of you really should fear color.
Not everyone should wear thongs.
There is a thin line (perhaps even a thick line) between sexy and slutty. A lot of women don't seem to know that or maybe they don't care.
Super long nails are just plain ugly and scary.
Cracked heels and dry feet, should be hidden at all times.
There is a difference between being a free spirit and a fashion disaster.
Not all fashion trends are meant to be worn by all people.

Please feel free to add your own "Fashion Don't".

Me, Me, Me Part 4

2007-11-03T06:26:00.000-04:00

This is the last of my interview questions, yeah, it is, really, last one. These questions come from Heather, it took her a while to send them and it took me a while to get to them but we are both here now, so grin and bear it.

John, Paul, Ringo or George? Why? (I'm thinking lifestyle and reputation, not just looks) I would have to say John because he appeared to live as he wished. I am all for having that ability to truly enjoy the freedom to be yourself. Even if it means naked pictures.
What was the last book you finished reading? What did you like/dislike about it? Did it make you think or was it purely for enjoyment? The last book I read was "Chango's Fire" by Ernesto Quinonez. ( I am currently reading: Collected Stories by Gabriel Garcia Marquez) "Chango's Fire" was a great read, and I enjoyed it for it's use of cultural references and it was well written. It was purely for enjoyment purposes but any good book always makes me think. I wondered about the writer, the development of characters and the lives they led. Get it, read it, you'll be glad you did.
Your neighbor has passed out in the driveway again, but this time he's in your driveway. Do you wake him up and tell him to move or write "loser" in magic marker on his forehead? I wouldn't write anything on him because I would fear the toxic smells emanating from his being. I would however grab a broom and attempt to sweep him all the way to his driveway.
You're having a booming year for avocados, after shipping a few dozen to me, what would you do with the rest? What do you make with the ones you keep for personal use? I would sell them for lot's of cash that I would then spend on new electronic toys and shoes, plenty of new shoes. The ones for personal use would find their way into my salads, I'd make guacamole and the really ripe ones make excellent hair conditioner. (just don't forget to rinse, otherwise people look at you funny).
As the Queen of Puerto Rico, you have been asked to a conference of world leaders. What would you like to say to them? Anything specific for anyone in particular? First I would be very grateful and polite. (Manners do count.) Then I would use my time to explain the meaning and use of "common sense". I would hope to be eloquent enough to speak for and represent the true thoughts and feelings of those that do not have an opportunity to "bitch slap" those in power. Lastly I would specifically address President Bush and ask him why he hasn't learned to speak English correctly?. English is my second language, and I speak it well. Then I would trip him and laugh as he fell. The end.

Gracias for stopping by, please come back manana, more fun to be had.

Rain

2007-11-02T04:19:00.000-04:00

When I was growing up in Brooklyn, nothing made me happier then hearing it might snow. The possibility of a "snow day", no school, what joy! Snow men, snowball fights, hot chocolate, all things that scream snow day. As an adult the news of an impending snow storm, meant perhaps being late to work, returning home to shovel, whining about trying to find my hat, scarf and mittens. Making sure I put my heels in my briefcase so I wouldn't have to wear my snow boots at work all day. Snow, one of things I no longer think about here on the island.

In Puerto Rico it never snows. It rains. It rains for days. And then it rains some more. The last storm brought with it 8 days of rain. Rain that fluctuates from heavy to light showers but it doesn't stop completely for days. Rain. Children love to hear the word. Torrential rain means no school. It means we may lose power, well ... we'll likely lose power. If we lose power we also have no water, since the well is powered by electricity. No power = no water = no school. My internet connection is via satellite, on rainy days my connection slows to crawl, if I have a connection at all. Lot's of rain means the farm goes unattended. Our soil is like red clay and it becomes slippery and almost treacherous when wet. Rain means the free range chickens look for dry hiding spots, like the shed, the balcony, and under the car. Rain means my cat can't play outside as much as he wants, and that in turn means I have to stop whatever I am doing every few minutes to let him back in or back out. Extended periods of rain mean that due to the warmth and humidity everything feels wet (clothes, furniture, even the walls) and everything starts to smell musty and old. But yet ... I love rainy days. I accept the "cons" as part of life here in the tropics.

I live on a mountain top and one of the sights I am always amazed by is being able to sit on my balcony and see the rain working it's way over to my house. I can see it (and sometimes hear it) in the distance. I sit and watch it slowly work it's way to me. I can watch as torrential rain can become a river flowing down from our mountain along the street. I marvel at the sound of thunder that roars with a fierceness that always makes me shiver a little. Lot's of rain means I'll spot another rainbow. It means it's a good day to read and relax. I sleep best during rain storms, something about that rhythmic soothing sound that lulls me into such a secure state that my insomnia seems a thing of the past.

After the rain, Puerto Rico is even more beautiful. The lushness of my island is spectacular. Every rainy spell is followed by the most glorious beautiful sunny days. It is as if the rain truly has cleansed my little part of the planet. The droplets of water still lingering on the trees as I walk through the farm, the fruits and vegetables glistening in the sun, waiting to be picked. The smell of freshness in the air. The warmth of the sun as it drys all the wetness from my balcony and my cat can finally lounge outdoors for as long as he wants. The rain and I are good friends.

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain" ( I have no clue who said this, but someone did)

NaBloPoMo

2007-11-01T04:28:00.000-04:00

Today is day one of NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month). Everyday for the whole month of November, including holidays, I'm suppose to "blog". As this day was getting closer, I was starting to ponder, why?. Why did I think I could blog everyday for a month? Who talked me into this? What the fuck was I thinking? Why? Why? Why? Here's what I came up with:

The really cool prizes enticed me.
I was suffering a momentary lapse in logic.
I sometimes succumb to peer pressure even if that peer pressure is coming from people I never actually met. (but have sent fruit to)
Blogging everyday is something I always wanted to do but never seem to make time for, now I will be "forced" to.
I have a whole lot of "stuff" to write about and this is my excuse.
I'm just learning to type with all 10 fingers and I don't want to let that skill slip.
I have too much time on my hands after 12 hours of working the farm and running errands all day.
I look forward to the challenge and am secretly excited about it.

So my little huckleberries, stop in everyday and see what tales or jumbled words have escaped my brain pan and found their way to the Asylum walls.

What Up?

2007-10-24T20:02:00.000-04:00

What's up? The last few weeks have been very busy ones. My cousin Tony and his family were here for a visit, I went to Vegas Baby, for a cousins reunion, I went to Utah (those are some mule deer in the above picture, I came across them while hiking) and I spent a groovy few days in Arizona. loving and being loved, that's what's been up. Yes, my little huckleberries, I have been busy feeling the love and living the moment. I have many stories to tell and pictures to Post, Heather sent me some questions to answer and of course, I have not for one moment lost sight of my "path to enlightenment" which Dagromm laid before me. OH, the tales I could tell, or will tell as soon as I get some sleep. So stayed tuned, plenty of naked drunken pictures to follow, ok not really naked, but I did hike up my dress one night ...

In comments, "what up" with you since last we spoke?

Me, Me, Me Part 3

2007-10-07T22:42:00.000-04:00

I got the following email from Dagromm: Hi Ms. Locura. I hope everything is going well for you. Below you will find your list of interview questions. It's not widely known that I spent a year traveling to the far reaches of the planet to meditate with the greatest spiritual masters of our time. I don't like to drop names, but Al Roker comes to mind. I have specifically put these questions together for you. If you contemplate on these questions long enough it should lead you to a greater understanding of the universe and spiritual enlightenment.

Yeah, well, Dagromm, whatever ... but since I am still on my quest for the interview crown, I am willing to risk spiritual enlightenment or Al Roker to win. So behold my answers:

1) The world is made up of "haves" and "have-nots", but even the "haves" don't have everything, or even half of some things. Please explain. Well, um, see it all started with the egg, I mean the chicken but then Bill Gates got involved and now he has everything thus becoming the "haves" which meant that the rest of us became the "have-nots". But since even the "haves" as you claim don't have everything, Bill Gates must be missing something, but damn if I know what it is. The end.

2) If you could slip out of your castle undetected for a few days to live as a commoner, how would you accomplish this and what in the world were you thinking? Are you kidding me? why the hell would I want to live as a commoner?

3) Colors are often used to represent emotions and also flavors. Which color best represents you? Peach (Tera says it's a color, go with me on this one) with a smattering of purple, aqua and black.

4) A tornado wrecks havoc on Puerto Rico and sweeps you off to an island with a dozen other stranded people. They all speak the same language, but not one that you speak. How long does it take for you to kill them? Duh, we have hurricanes not tornado's, you must be thinking of Texas. Go ask Q that question.

5) What would you warn someone about that wanted to visit Puerto Rico? Don't forget to bow and avoid eye contact with the queen and bring bug spray, Dengue fever is one the rise.

6) Why did you send Q mangoes? He's been a real snob about it. He keeps them on display so that he can show them to us when ever we're around. They haven't held up well since it's been over six months and he mounted them in the first week to a plaque that says "Bequeathed by the Queen of Puerto Rico". I sent them because I really like fringes and by default Q, or because it does my heart good to know how it torments the rest of you, or because it was cheaper then sending livestock (sorry Q, I would have sent that donkey if I could have found a box big enough) or because I am really getting into this whole "Queen" thing and I knew Q was weak enough to buy into the whole story line.

7) You are a very good writer that puts most of the blog community to shame. Besides myself who else do you find to be an exceptionally impressive blogger? I couldn't think of anyone else either. I am meditating on this one, will get back to you. ( while we wait, I'd say everyone whose blog I take the time to read.)

8) I am fascinated by the requests people make for a last meal when they face execution. What would your's be? Ripe fried platanos, bacon, rellenos de pana, empanadillas de pollo, vanilla flan, a pint of Ben and Jerry's "cherry Garcia", Loli's mangu and a six pack of Medalla light.

9) If you were to go back in time and write your own birth announcement, what would it say? EsLocura was born! (yeah not very creative but to the point)

10) When you were younger I'm sure you were told you were too young to do some things you wanted to do. At some point do you think you might be told you're too old to do something that you want to do? What will the activity be? The only time I expect to be too old to do something I want to do, is when I'm dead.

11) As royalty you have some significant influence. What is the one thing that you would like to make legal and what is the one thing that you would like to make illegal? I'd make marijuana legal and I'd out law stupid people breeding. And of course I would make "Dagromm day" a national holiday.

12) What personal possession have you held onto the longest and why? There are actually 2 things. I still have the paycheck stub from my very first job because it reminds me that I will always have the power to never be hungry again. I also still have every journal I ever wrote in, because it chronicles all the reasons for the human I continue to evolve into.

13) When was the last time you were embarrassed to ask for help or admit you did not know something? I am always quick to admit I don't know something, knowledge is power and I like learning. However asking for help is not something I do well. I have always been someone who would rather muddle through and figure it out then ask for help.

14) You are going out on the town and finally splurge on those skin tight leather pants you've always wanted. What top do you wear with it? none, I don't want anything distracting from the fine tight leather.

15) Gyuss likes to point out that 40 is the new 20. Q says that 15 is the new 18. Cyber D maintains that millionaires are the new middle class. I'm not sure if there's a question in there somewhere ... but ... a little help please? I hear gray is the new black, Met's are out and the Yankees are in (sort of, tonight they be be out), It's "Breast Cancer Awareness month", ladies make time to schedule your mammograms and don't forget self exams, men feel free to lend a caring hand.

Thank you all for playing. This concludes my interviews. Did you get to know me better? Did I win the interview crown? (I bet my crown will look great with those leather pants)

Me, Me, Me Part 2

2007-10-05T06:24:00.000-04:00

My muse is still locked away, but no matter, I have Susan's questions to answer. Lucky for me she is all about helping me win the interview crown.

1) Poof! You've been transformed into a fruit. What fruit are you? What characteristics do you share with this fruit? What dish are you best served with? Mango's have been described as sweet, juicy, succulent, and sensual, that's me in a nutshell. Best served alone, no need to taint perfection.

2) What is your favorite time of day? Why? 4 AM, It's when the world seems to stand still and quiet. I sit on my balcony, drinking coffee, watching the sunrise and relishing the moment before the chaos of my day starts.

3) As the "Queen of Puerto Rico" your days are filled with duties and endless tasks. When you have an evening off, though, what do you like to do? Who do you like to do it with?( Boy, haven't I left myself open for a bad answer there?) As Queen a day off is nearly impossible but every so often I lock the castle gates and after practicing my naked happy dance, count my blessings and drink plenty of red wine. As for who I do it with, inquiring minds want to know ... tough.

4) I'm in jail! You, out of the unbelievable kindness of your heart, have decided to pay my bail. What do you have to sell to get me out of jail? Exactly what did I do to land myself there? Once you get me out, what conversation do we have? I had to sell 3 chickens, 2 goats and 2 pigs along with my vintage "Alice in wonderland" watch. You were arrested for displaying your "wares" in public, while ranting "Do you think these boobs are awesome?" Upon your release we both start laughing hysterically and I ask for the final count. You reply "32, yes those are awesome and one look of confusion". (of course the look of confusion came from the old man I had the garage incident with so he doesn't count). Still laughing, we drive off ~~into the sunset~~ to the nearest bar and celebrate the absolute awesomeness that is you.

5) We've miraculously evolved and can now live on any planet. What planet do you choose? why? Mars, the red planet. For the following reasons : it was named after the God of war, which is kinda cool, I enjoyed " The war of the worlds" by H.G. Wells, Mars has polar caps like Earth, containing frozen carbon dioxide (and a small amount of water), The largest volcano in the solar system is on Mars (called Olympus Mons), Mars has seasons like Earth. This is caused by the tilt of the planet's axis, at a similar angle to the tilt of Earth axis, and lastly, I like the color red.

Please stayed tuned part 3 is yet to come.

Me, Me, Me

2007-10-04T06:09:00.000-04:00

Since my muse is locked in the bathroom, refusing to come out and I am trying to beat the interview meme record, Tera at "Peruse and Ponder" is helping me out, read on, it's all about me.

1) You are given one "do over", what do you do over? I would have handled my friendship with R differently. I would apologize for not understanding her better and for making the disastrous decision that costs us our friendship. With that said, I do believe that even bad choices/decisions help to define who we become as long as we learn a lesson from the experience. I learned a hard yet very valuable lesson from this falling out with R. She and nuestras hijas are truly missed, all these years later.

2) You are a living legend and are going to be globally recognized in 3 days ... write your speech.
Gracias, muchas gracias, por acceptar que yo soy la unica persona que puedo conquistar el mundo. Free drinks for everyone.

3) The old man that had the discussion about the parking spot with you in the garage weeks ago is in the elevator with you and you two recognize each other ... do you say anything to him? I say " Hey, You look a little older then last time we met ... Get out! I found this elevator first!".

4) No one has read your blog in weeks (I know rare, but run with me on this one) as soon as you become a bit puzzled, what is your next post about? It's about my wild week of sex, sharing every small detail and of course, plenty of pictures, nothing brings the hoards of huckleberries out like sex.

5) Tell me about your first love, any regrets? still communicate? lessons learned? It was J in high school. He was sweet, funny and thoughtful. My first "real boyfriend". Our families were concerned about our differences mostly that I was poor and lived in a bad neighborhood, he was not poor and lived in a nice neighborhood. Either his parents or older brother always drove him to my house and picked him up because they feared for his safety. Lesson learned: despite their concerns, his family always welcomed me with open arms, always tried to feed me, and with J, I never felt poor, or different. Compassion, understanding and an open mind go a long way. I also learned how to kiss with J, he was a damn great kisser. We lost track of each other when he got a baseball scholarship and I moved from New York to Massachusetts. (Hey J, if you happen upon my blog, thank you, it was a lovely ride and you did set the bar pretty high for future boyfriends.)

Please stay tuned, Susan's interview questions coming up next.

A little heart to heart

2007-09-24T18:03:00.000-04:00

Hello my little huckleberries! I know it's been a while and thank you for all the email and comments left wondering about my lack of posting. Seems that sometimes life gets in the way of blogging. I have been busy with family stuff, house stuff, and visiting friends stuff. I also have been busy working on my naked happy dance because you know... practice makes perfect.

Hearts over at "Guilty with an explanation" sent me a meme over a week ago and although I swore to get right on it, I am just getting to it now. Heart's blog is among my favorites. She is smart, witty and insightful. Now to the meme before I get distracted. It's an interview, 5 questions kind. (Heart's questions and my answers.)

1) I would like to know all the reasons you moved to Puerto Rico, besides the incredible staggering beauty of the place. This property was purchased close to 10 years ago as an investment, a possible retirement getaway and for sentimental reasons. This is where my dad grew up, in fact he went to grade school just down the road. About 3 years ago I came here on vacation for what was suppose to be a 2 week stay and stayed for a month. Shortly there after I came back to deal with a family crisis and I have been here ever since. In the process of being the fabulous problem solver/care giver that I am, I rediscovered my roots. (not that I had ever left them behind, just that my focus was different.) I found that my culture, and my island held my history and perhaps my future. The activism and beliefs my parents instilled in me, came to flourish here. I am here, choosing to speak for those who can't, taking care of those who need a helping hand, and living a much more selfless life. Of course, why I am here is much more convoluted and complicated than I am stating but the bottom line is that I love my homeland and had always planed on returning. Fate just had a way of getting me here sooner than I had anticipated.

2) If you could meet one famous person from any era, who would it be, and what would you want to ask him or her? I'd would like to meet Albert Einstein. I'd want to ask him how he managed to use his genius for good not evil and still have the courage to be himself. How does one stay true to himself and yet cope with the ideals and expectations of the planet? (that may be 2 questions but so) Yes, Albert Einstein because I admire those who were told they couldn't but did.

3) If you were assured the wildest success in any career of your choice, what would it be? I'd have to say it would be in the only career I enjoyed (and was damn good in, she said modestly), the field of psychology. The success would be to understand human behavior enough to alter it in a way that would allow for more happiness. The ability to teach the skills needed so that everyone gets an equal chance at living the best life they can. Since it's my "wildest success" to help conquer mental illness, now that would be wild.

4) If you were given 10 million dollars, free and clear, how would you spend it? I'd spend 5 million making my family and friends a little more comfortable and 5 million I would give to charity. The charities would be : Susan G komen foundation, Heifer International, Kiva, and the International Aids Alliance.

5) What quality of character do you most want to be remembered for by your loved ones? Sincerity.

Interview rules:
1) If you would like to be interviewed leave me a comment saying "interview me".
2) I will respond by emailing you 5 questions, I get to pick the questions.
3) Update your blog with a post containing the answers.
4) Include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5) When others comment asking to be interviewed, you ask them 5 questions.

There you have it, I'm back, meme style.

An old man and my Karma

2007-09-05T04:29:00.000-04:00

I had an appointment yesterday at 8:30 A.M. in Rio Piedras. It's about a 45 minute drive from my house. I left early allowing enough time for commuter traffic delays, a cup of coffee and my obsessive need to be early. There were no traffic delays, I had an hour to park, have coffee and still make my appointment, getting there early, of course.

Parking is in a building garage, a good thing since in this heat, shade is always nice. The garage was full but there are no other parking options at this place and I had plenty of time, so I decided to just drive around the garage until a spot became available. 35 minutes later (now normally after 15 minutes, I would be swearing and screaming all sorts of evilness but since I am on a beauty kick, I was calm, secure in the knowledge that I had plenty of time.) I spotted a man exiting the elevator, I sped up, opened my window, asked if he was leaving ... "yes", he says, and motions for me to follow him. He was parked just a few spaces away from the elevator. What joy, how lucky am I, right near the elevator.

There is a long line of cars behind me, I proudly turn on my blinker, smugly letting everyone behind me know I got a spot. As I glance in my rear view mirror, I see a car (2 cars behind me) start to pull out of the pack. I think "man, is that guy impatient". He starts to pull up beside me and of course I think he is about to pass me because he can't wait for the one guy to pull out of the parking spot so I can pull in.

As the first guy pulls out of the parking spot, the car next to me pulls in. For a moment I viewed life in slow motion... he didn't just steal my parking spot, no, he couldn't have, yes, damn it, yes, he fucking just stole my spot! I honk my horn ( a lot), I open my window and try to get his attention ... nada ... he ignores me.

I get out of my car and walk right up to his car, now parked in "my" spot. There sits an old man, who I swear must have been 80 years old! He looks up at me and says "what do you want?". The following conversation ensues:

Me: you just stole my parking spot.

Old man: I didn't see you.
Me: I was right there next to you, the first car with the blinker on waiting for this spot.
Old man: but I'm old.
Me: yeah and your point is what? you stole my spot.
Old man: don't you respect your elders?
Me: with all due respect sir, you obviously showed little respect when you stole my spot.
Old man: but I'm old.
Me: I want my spot.
Old man: what do you want me to do?, I have an appointment.
Me: I have an appointment too, I drove around for 35 minutes waiting for a spot and you stole it, and I want it back, so I want you to leave so I can park.
Old man: I'm old and you are being a bully.
Me: you aren't so old that you didn't know you were stealing my spot.
Old man: I didn't see you, sometimes I don't notice things, I'm old.
Me: you shouldn't be driving if you don't notice things but that's a personal problem, now get out of my spot!.
Old man: Are you going to make an old man keep driving around and miss his appointment? That's just rude and disrespectful.
Me: Stop playing the "old man card". I understand you have things to do, but so do I, now get out of my parking space. I'll wait here all day if I have to.

With the saddest eyes this old man could muster, he reluctantly gives in. He pulls away, I drive into the parking spot, 10 minuets to get to my appointment.

The rest of the day, I am left pondering what effects todays event will have on my karma. Yes, my little huckleberries, today I bullied an old man with big sad eyes out of a parking spot. Now obviously, I feel bad (I'm still thinking about) but seriously, is old age an excuse for not doing the right thing? Should he get away with bad manners because of age? Should I learn to be more respectful of the elderly? Did I open the door to a ton of bad karma?

Beautiful

2007-09-03T22:49:00.000-04:00

Some times I feel the need to find beauty. I understand that "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" and for the moment I am the "beholder". Beauty gives me reason to pause and enjoy the sensory pleasure, be it sight, sound, or taste. Beauty encompasses many things for me, it goes beyond the basic physical thing. Not that I don't find the physical to be sweet, we all look, we all swoon, and we all fantasize. Physical beauty isn't one I pause for too often, but when I do, damn, it's a thrill.

Natures beauty is a great high for me. The above banner is a picture I took one morning while having coffee on the balcony. Sunrise, it was almost magical. Nature is amazing. Sometimes I get so tied up with the things that keep me busy that I almost lose sight of the fact that I live on a gorgeouse tropical island, where finding beauty means just looking outside. Don't we all get so busy sometimes we forget to look around, take in our surroundings and feel grateful?

Tasteful beauty, there is nothing like the food of this island. Seeing all the fruits and veggies grow, is pretty groovy. The beauty starts at the plant and ends with something delicious to eat. The bakeries here provide sweets, breads, and sandwiches that make you forget the calories and just refuse to step on the scale for a month.

Shoes, talk about beauty. I just bought a pair of flip flops that are fabulous. (I know, I read the news, flip flops are bad for my feet but so what). I paid $3.99 for them, on sale, 75% off, beautiful! Shoes of any kind, damn beautiful.

Friends and family, beautiful. (~~most~~ sometimes) I am blessed with incredible friends. Friends that love me unconditionally. As for family, it amazes me that for a group as large as we are, most of us are on speaking terms, haven't ordered a "hit" (recently) and share many laughs.

Music is beautiful. It doesn't matter what mood I'm in or how frazzled I get, music does indeed make life better. (except for reggaeton, that never makes anything better). Certain sounds are beautiful, like laughter, and sweet whisperings. One of my favorites is the coqui's after a heavy rain.

Love is a beautiful thing. Finding the time to pause and admire the love we sometimes take for granted, not an easy task but so worth it. Isn't it sad that sometimes we recall the beauty of love when it's too late ? Love, savor it, bask in it, roll around in it, before it's too late.

I have spent a lot of time recently finding beauty, re-discovering it, and reminding myself of it's existence. I had forgotten that beauty was right here, always surrounding me, waiting patiently to be noticed. We should all make an attempt to stop ignoring beauty. It's not that difficult to find. Perhaps the planet would be a sweeter place if we were to embrace more beauty. Beauty in the simple things, a smile, a warm embrace, a silly conversation, a good cup of coffee with a decadent dessert, or even a great pair of flip flops.

Share the beauty, where do you find it, what's beautiful to you? I need to know.

Where have I been?

2007-08-29T20:19:00.000-04:00

I have been reading blogs when I can, but not posting very much, (OK, I haven't posted at all), but I'm here now to let you know I am muy cansada, and busy because :

I am trying to film my naked happy dance for posterity.
I am spending all my free time testing new hair products.
I fell, scraped my knee and am wallowing.
I have a serious case of d.t.'s due to the lack of bp's.
I'm dealing with some family illness/issues.
my cat ate yet another lizard.
I am greatly saddened by Owen Wilson's mental health issues, and let's not even talk about Lindsey or Britney.
the heat, humidity and rain have caused me to constantly rant "I'm melting, I'm melting" and frankly that takes up huge portions of my day.
I'm farming, cooking and taking care of business.
The new padded cell is way too cozy.
I've run away and joined the circus. (on my upward climb to cirque du soleil).
I'm plotting, plotting lot's of stuff.

What do you think I've been doing? Where have I been?

Let there be light

2007-08-20T19:46:00.000-04:00

The power is back and so am I. Hurricane Dean missed Puerto Rico but in it's path it left heavy, torrential rain and strong winds. I am happy to report there was no damage to anything I hold dear. BUT ... I had no fucking power or running water for 3 days. Our water comes from a well, which requires an electrical pump to deliver natural spring water to my house, no electricity, no water.

I am not complaining because it sure as hell was better then having the hurricane hit us head on. But alas, no power sucks. No water, sucks ever bigger. I amused myself by reading (3 books in 3 days), listening to my iPod (until it died), playing board/card games (I won$5.45), enjoying the serenity of candle light (which is easy when you are ~~drunk~~ relaxed) and of course drinking plenty of ~~wine~~ bottled water to ward off dehydration.

I am anxiously awaiting the return of running water tonight. I plan on taking a long hot shower, my first in 3 days. Not that I smell all that bad right now, I did wash up daily. But turning on the shower and stepping into that gentle warm stream will beat the hell out of having to lather and rinse while holding and pouring cold water on myself from gallon jugs of bottled water. (which I might add, required some pretty impressive contortionist type movements on my part)

As soon as the power was back, I did a little naked happy dance (because if you are going to do a happy dance it really should be done naked, other wise you run the risk of looking stupid). After the dance, I checked my blog and my email. My most sincere thanks to all of you who commented, emailed and sent good thoughts my way. I feel all warm and fuzzy from the love. (there is a slight chance the "fuzzy" might be from the lack of showering but I'm almost certain it's the love).

There is light, there is love and damn it, soon there will be water, all is good here on my little piece of the planet.