Dear Huckleberries

Dearest Huckleberries,

This horrible journey continues. This week we were faced with more internal bleeding and the need for yet another pint of blood. The double pneumonia is worse. There is an infection just about every where, and the body just keeps laboring on. Almost on a daily basis the doctors remind us that "today could be the day, the end". Every day we wait and watch someone we adore slowly die.

Almost every day I am faced with more decisions that need to be made, and more papers to sign. And every night as I say goodnight, I wonder if this is last time I'll witness the labored breathing, if while I lay sleepless and crying in bed the phone will ring and it will be "the call". Everyday I wonder if I'll make it through the day without wailing like a banshee. Everyday I wonder why. Everyday I wonder how much stronger I can or need to be.

I stand strong and silent most of the time. I understand that I set the mood for all the other family members. If I fall apart so shall they. I am most impressive when dealing with doctors and having to explain to the rest of the family what is happening. I am concise, keeping my words simple and I have mastered my "poker face". Alone in bed or in the shower it's my chance to whimper. I find I also cry at the strangest times. Like when asked "would you like fries with that?", or when a nurse recently said "what a lovely t shirt", or the morning the mechanic asked me to sign my bill, and of course the day the sales clerk asked if he could help, I whimpered and just walked away.

I am tired. Tired emotionally and physically. I want to sleep for hours, that deep undisturbed sleep. I am tired of forcing myself to eat at least one meal a day. I have lost 18 pounds. I am tired of being strong. I am tired of driving. I am tired of hearing about God and her abilities to heal, decide ones fate and of the comfort I should be feeling if I focus on God. I am tired. Tired.

On a brighter note, I have at long last been given the "balls of steel" I have been looking for. The lovely WNG as awarded me some. I am going to carry those around proudly today, gracias you made me chuckle which beats the hell of of whimpering.

Lastly, thank you (again and again) for all the love and kindness. I am humbled by how you manage to consistently check up on me, thank you for taking the time to be here.

Besos, Es

bedside

Dearest Huckleberries,

I am currently maintaining a bedside vigil. Just waiting for things to end. We have heard from the doctors that this journey could be over any day. (of course I have heard that since last week.) We wait, and sit and wait. I ponder all the "why is this happening?" and all the "what if's" and all the "then what". I have no answers.

I am frustrated and have many moments of overwhelming grief.
Sometimes we are given a glimmer of hope and then it's quickly taken away. Then we just sit and wait some more. I find I am more quiet now, sometimes just refusing to speak because I fear the wail that might escape my lips before I can stop it. Sometimes I just keep my words to a minimum, idle chit chat at best. Sleep is becoming a distant memory. A wrong number in the middle of the night, makes my body shake uncontrollably and mother fucker has become my choice response.

I am now entering the numb stage of my emotions but before completely caving in to that desire to feel nada, I want to thank you. Gracias for keeping me company. The warm loving thoughts, the positive energy, the emails, comments, phone calls, and text messages, muchas gracias. I am truly touched by your kindness. You have proven once again that each and every one of you is simply fabulous.

To those of you who are my blog pals, talk about fabulous berries! You crack me up and I do feel the love. I am astounded by the kindness of strangers (let's face it, you are all a bit strange). I am truly grateful for your friendship.

To my comadres del alma, who would have thought that meeting all those years ago in "latino Leaders" would bring us to this sisterhood. Gracias, estaran siempre en mi corazon, las adoro.

To my cousins, Virginia and Aury, coming back from the hospital to a clean house and home cooked meals is a gift. Gracias, I have no idea how I will ever repay all those random acts of kindness you have both constantly given. To Tony and Daisy, what can I say about both of you. You have no idea how much help you have been from far away. I love you.

To the love of my vida (you know who you are) You are constantly picking up the pieces of my broken heart, so unselfishly standing by and loving me unconditionally. Knowing you are standing on the sidelines waiting to catch me, brings me peace.

I look forward to all you hugs and love, to the promises of vodka, and the silly thoughts. I look forward to the positive words, it's what keeps me a little sane right now. I am grateful beyond words.

Besos, Es